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Reviews
Car Masters: Rust to Riches (2018)
Made In Chino
This series keeps on giving. Frustration and annoyances. Setting aside the scripted showboating, the doomed to fail business idea and the motley crew of colorful individuals doing questionable work for a tattooed cliche in a skull cap and goatee, the most glaring issue is that there is no one out there who would pay for the vehicles the shop turns out.
Why would anyone buy a car that is clearly built FOR the "owner" of the "garage", not the customer? Are there really people out there who want to pay overprice for a backyard built shoddy piece of work covered in cobwebs, chrome skulls and bad decisions? There is a reason for why Constance Nunes is so heavily featured and billed first, she is the reason to watch this.
The King of Queens (1998)
When every support is more likeable than the lead
King of Queens is a continuation of the trope of stupid husbands not deserving the family they got, but as this is starring Kevin James, things are just a bit more upsetting.
It takes some mighty huge suspension of belief to imagine for a second that a whiny, lazy, selfish, unreliable and untrustworthy loser like Doug would ever get to marry a woman like Carrie, I know this is just a TV series, nay, a sitcom, but for the sake of some kid of realism, would it have killed the writers to fabricate some kind of likeable, or even relatable, traits besides the given obesity?
The strength of King of Queens came from Leah Remini, Jerry Stiller, Patton Oswalt and the always delightful Nicole Sullivan. These are the actors that made the series bearable, carrying even the blatant nepotism of bringing in Kevin James' brother, someone that just had to be even more unbearable than he was.
As stated earlier, shows where the lead father figure is too stupid and basically too lazy to deserve even some kind of respect, let alone a family, are not rare. However, the not sucky ones amongst these are usually cartoons and written and acted so well that the fat stupid laziness of the lead is not the all encompassing theme for every episode ever made.
It is somehow fitting that Kevin James is the one that quit the series, after bleeding it dry with salary demands even phater than he is, effectively canceling it in 2007, to pursue his 'acting' 'career'. To this date, Kevin James has not 'acted' in any major film production with an IMDB rating as high as King of Queens used to have. What a Blart.
The Exorcist: Believer (2023)
DGG will not stop because we will not make him
Considering how badly, basically with malice, fans of horror movies have been treated during the last 15 years, this was no surprise. Yet another reimagined and rebooted subject, basically a cash grab, but this hurt as it spits on the original Exorcist movies while still riding their coattails. No matter how bad the later original Exorcist movies were perceived to be, they never came close to the levels of incomprehension of the subject and incompetence of creation on display here.
This latest installment in the sorry and sordid line of David whatshisface Green's films is refreshing as it also remembers to be preachy, besides showing contempt for the original material in every form. What was the point of dragging Ellen Burstyn into this mess when the story this drivel of a film only resembles the original on a very superficial level? Yes, friends and neighbors, just plain embarrassingly bad writing by no less than three different hacks and third rate direction as in the sorry Halloween movies was not enough for the Exorcist franchise, this had to be destroyed with more cruelty, and for a longer time.
I am not at all surprised to see that this absolute talent and visionary, the brolegend that is David G Green is already engaged for something called The Exorcist: Deceiver. This must be a direct result of the wonderful, just wonderful, overall performance of Halloween Kills and Halloween Ends, and now, with an explosive blockbuster like The Exorcist : Believer, who could deny him the chance?
This is what the everyone is special and everyone is a winner mentality gets us. We deserve to be punished for basically being morons with no ability for critical thinking and too much loose cash to go around. Why is it so hard to realize mistakes and to just move on without the source of the trouble? I mean, Jordan Peele is at long last only up for an "Untitled Fourth Film Directed By Jordan Peele", and that is where he should, and will, stay.
The Last of Us (2023)
Mixed expectations - update
Update after episode six - expectations lowered, fear creeping in.
I have docked one point, now placing this show in the same category as other semi competent TV shows, but no longer amongst the great. The reason for this is the continuing neutering of the character Joel and the sheer unlikability of Ellie.
Disregarding everything else: the greater points of the story, the pacing, or the setting, what carried the game and made it so engaging was the characters of these two main protagonists and how they evolved, forming a bond between them. It is now clear that some of the writers of the TV series have decided that they know better; Joel needs to be a sobbing and moaning wimp with a bad heart to boot, and Ellie gets to be some sort of perpetual wonderkid who is always right, despite lacking the discipline to learn or any kind of prior experience of anything, sneering and dropping f-bombs left and right. The actual scene that made all of this too clear is at the beginning of episode six, Ellie steals a rabbit from the people in the cabin and Joel tells her to put it back, an order that Ellie counters with contempt and talking about herself, whereupon Joel proceeds to have some kind of a minor heart attack. Weak.
I no longer hold the same hope and expectations for this season as I once had, but perhaps season two will be different as it should be pretty clear that neither Joel nor the Ellie currently ruined by Bella Ramsey will be in that one.
This is a TV show, placed in a post-apocalyptic world and based on a very popular and in its own right very highly regarded computer (console) game. As either of these (genre or game) is bound to be familiar to basically everyone who watches this, the series is cursed or blessed from the start, and by the very audience it is created for.
For the portion of game aficionados who expect the TV series to be a 1:1 copy of the first game this is not good enough. The voice actor of the Ellie in the game is now a woman 39 years old, but still these people expect that suitable actors, identical in every aspect to the computer-generated characters in the game, are found and cast. Deviations from the original story in the game are also not allowed.
The people coming into this based on their interest in similar post-apocalyptic TV series, where zombies and "infected" are not uncommon, claim that there is nothing new here and not much is to be expected. Keeping in mind that as these voices are unfortunately very much correct, nothing good has happened to the zombie genre since the first season of "Black Summer", this is understandable, but I submit that the first two episodes of The Last of Us beats hands down an entire season, any season, of "Fear the Walking Dead".
The TV series has so far been an engaging, beautifully produced and superbly acted show with several layers and a message about the importance of perseverance and the power of kinship. As we are only two episodes in, the jury is bound to be out on the entire thing, and this current rating is not final.
I for one hope that the coming events in the TV series will not be a carbon copy of all those that already were in the game, but if the story leads to a similar to or the same finale as the (first) game did, it will be brutal but glorious.
Black Adam (2022)
Black Rock crash and burn with a nice car selection
This movie could have been at least a passable carbon copy of Black Panther, somewhat entertaining, mildly annoying and instantly forgettable, but Dwayne Johnson with his one-dimensional "acting" made sure that not even that Gold Standard was reached. In fact, Dwayne acted so hard that this particular franchise is now basically dead; no new Black Adam movie is on the horizon, and it is unlikely that a character this clunky will get a showing in any other DC movie. Nice job, Dwayne.
In a movie where every other actor at least tries to portray someone else, as they are paid loads of money to do so, Dwayne Johnson was still allowed to do his own thing, being The Rock. This is a tragedy, as The Rock knows nothing expect how to be a blowhard flexer in what is essentially pillow fights for grown sweaty men. I cannot remember if this movie also incorporated the raised eyebrow trick Dwayne the Rock stole from John Belushi, probably.
As for the movie itself, for someone who enjoyed the Black Panther this is sorta like it, only with different names for the same things, and the other main differences being that The Rock is not likeable and there is less Wakandan elitism. Both movies are of course drivel, and both are seriously harmed by willfully annoying sidekicks (the skateboard kid and the sister).
Not everything was bad, however. I wish to extend a serious accolade to whoever selected the cars to populate the streets in the Black Adam country capital city(?). The selection was a fine sampling of mid-80s to 90s European cars, not especially likely to be found in that climate or part of the world, but the only delight this movie managed to offer. With slim pickings comes easy rewards, I guess.
Troll (2022)
Infuriatingly self-serving, got angry again while typing review so docked two more points
I was really looking forward to this, and for the first half, with all the excitement of the beginning: backstory, lore, first glimpses, interesting characters, big action scenes and development I was really pleased. For about half an hour, after which the story took a sadly predictable downturn with the use of the most banal TV references ever, cliches so beaten to death that the mind pretty much boggles. The saddest part of course being that everything referenced just served to remind the viewer of how mediocre and sliding to worse this movie is.
In the end it turned out that everything that had happened was basically the fault of the humans, and now self-serving, virtue signaling actions, including the sacrifice of several white males, were needed to put things right.
For a good Norwegian troll themed movie, please see Trollhunter.
Terrifier 2 (2022)
What story?
I am not sure what to say as everything has been said before, but I feel the need to voice my disgust for the specific type of mindless gore and violence that movies like this represent. Terrifier 2 is an exceptionally good example of the bottom scraping in this genre, as it is even worse than the other "movies" in general, with a seriously inflated runtime of over two hours and the absolutely not likable or relatable characters it showcases.
Art the Clown is a pathetic attempt to ride the coattails of far greater movie antagonists, flawed from the beginning and doomed with absolutely no story to stand on. An abundance of gore and violence does not a movie make, a point the writer/director doesn't seem to get even with two of the worst examples of this drivel under his belt.
The story here is non-existent. Sure, things happen for over two hours to fill out the runtime, but none of it is interesting, and a plot there is not.
So, the movie misses its mark by being more repulsive and boring than shocking, and the main antagonist is a cheap knockoff everyone wishes dead, but what about the other actors? Glad you asked; they suck and will probably never be cast to a movie better than Terrifier 2. The only reason for these non-Arts to tag along is to be killed in sometimes disgusting ways, but nobody really cares.
It is my understanding that this movie has been hyped up by tales of vomiting, screaming and sudden unconsciousness in the theater aisles. This is easy to believe, I too vomited a bit in my mouth and prayed for the sweet release of sleep during the over two hours it took to watch this.
Everybody Loves Raymond (1996)
That feeling explained
Looking back on this show, it never was my favorite, in fact, I never knew anyone to like this like people loved Friends, Married with Children, Frasier, Seinfeld, 3rd Rock or even Fresh Prince.
Everybody Loves Raymond was always a bit too simple and cheap with endlessly repeating plot lines, and none of the actors, with the exception of Doris Roberts, had the charm or charisma to carry Ray Romano, who portrayed a whiny, self-centered lying man child, and not in a good way. In fact, almost everyone in the series had a baseline of selfish, combined with some other unattractive trait to really get you not to like them. Debra is a hardnosed bore, Robert is a blundering twit, Frank is a borderline psychopath, and the kids are just plot devices with no use at all in the 9 seasons this drivel ran.
It is unfair and stupid to hold old series to modern standards, but where the ones mentioned earlier, and many like them, are still unrivaled and unsurpassed, Everyone Loves Raymond is more of an embarrassing reminder of how fragile a series can be when you cast people that basically are not likeable.
Barbarian (2022)
Cut in half
The first half of this movie was, albeit a little predictable, better than I anticipated, and I enjoyed the performance of the actors, both clearly well selected and headed for greater things. The first half of this movie on its own would have been a much better movie, given some runtime padding, than the entire product turned out to be.
Sadly, the midway of the movie introduces the B squad, in acting and writing, and even if the transition was clever, it is no excuse for the script falling to pieces and spending the next of the movie just catching up to the happenings and antics on the screen. Was the original script abandoned and picked up by some hack or what happened? We are provided with no explanations, pretty much no closure, and a forgettable "open" ending.
As much as this movie is a rip off of Don't Breathe, it does even less deserve a sequel, so please do not go there.
Day Shift (2022)
Horror comedy done right
For everyone who anticipated or expected that this film would carry the same kind of preachy, pandering, polarizing stigma as Jordan Peele's movies do just because the lead protagonist is likeable man who happens to be black, I am sorry for your disappointment.
This is the way summer horror comedies should be made. Although not the pinnacle of anything, this movie is an easygoing experience and it is evident that everyone involved were enjoying themselves. There is not much of a story here, the effects are sometimes goofy, and there are no Oscar clips. None of this matters as the film still leaves you with a smile on your face; it delivers exactly what it promises.
People who have a thing with weeding out "meanings", real or imagined, will not like this, but on the other hand, disappointment and negativity are the status quo for that crowd, so perhaps this can please them as well, although not as intended.
Nope (2022)
Two for effort
Short review of the actual movie: hyped and as a result of that even more of a disappointment than it would otherwise have been. Runtime too long for nonexistent story, the actors were good but all clearly wished to be somewhere else.
Jordan Peele does not understand that you can't make movies in the traditionally 'lightweight' genres such s thriller and sci-fi with a massive message tacked on just for personal gratification. It does not work and is painfully cringe for the people outside the intended audience of whatever sermon he tires to deliver. If Jordan Peele has issues with Hollywood it seems like a bad idea to vent them in a Hollywood movie, to the people who made him what he is.
Successful summer blockbusters (Nope is just a wannabe, there will be no reruns for this drivel next year) must be made enjoyable for everyone, or they will fail. This might have been the last attempt Jordan Peele got; there are other, more gifted, less prone to stealing ideas and with less preachy baggage filmmakers waiting in the wings.
Run (2020)
Slightly unnecessary jarring elements
As a movie this was not bad, especially when fresh from the interrupted experience of the absolute drivel "Interceptor".
However, I will not understand nor forgive the heinous overacting during the entire roof escape scene, nor the stupid, there is no other word for it, shenanigans with the mouthful of liquid and the soldering iron. Why? Was this one scene written and directed by someone else or was this the true measure of filmmaking prowess after all? Also, the end was weak as the story needed closure, not just ambiguous face close ups and a fade out.
Interceptor (2022)
Amateur hour Netflix special
Laughable and worthless filler promoted by Netflix as somehow produced by Chris Hemsworth. They're not wrong, that may indeed be the only redeeming feature.
Everything about the first seven minutes sucked so bad that there really was no need to continue watching, especially as it turned out that despite the incompetent direction, the (one) cheap camera, 90s television scifi inspired set and horribly inept actors there was not going to be any sex in the control room.
Fear the Walking Dead (2015)
Opportunities lost to
The series was not great to start with, but season 7 especially has been a train wreck so far, and there is no hope of redemption in sight. I blame the all too often recurring writer duo of Andrew Chambliss & Ian Goldberg and the blatantly nepotistic move of allowing members of the cast to direct episodes.
After skipping episodes 7-15 of season 7, I am now watching the final minutes of episode 16, aptly named "Gone", as it describes my continuing interest in this series to a tee.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre Massacre
This fine cinematic masterpiece was offered to me by Netflix, and I answered the call.
I was sorry within five minutes. Five minutes and this drivel already tried to create an alternative reality where this movie is a credible successor to the original, and is thereby relevant and justified. Hard nope. This is again just a piss poor money grab with the sooner the deader the better irrelevant actors and no plot line, so the claims are not only stupid but offensive.
If there indeed is a need to remake this movie once every five years or so, then why has every. Gd. One. Of these remakes been so bad, and not just on a curve but on a logarithmic scale? Is it not embarrassing for everyone involved that even the audience this movie is so desperate to please sees right through it and realizes what a pandering display of incompetence this is?
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
Ages like fine milk
This newest installation of the Matrix saga will always hold a special place in my heart; it was too bad to finish. The original trilogy was hurting by the end of the third movie, but it could have been laid to rest, and forever continue to ride the glory of the first installment.
Alas, no. Greed and incompetence have again formed an alliance to defecate on all previous installments to make this newest abortion somehow relevant or interesting. It is not. It's a sorry mess of old tricks and actors that should know better rehashing old roles, combined with new characters and ideas that do not matter because there is no history and the performances are too weak to make any kind of impression even with the morbidly obese runtime allowed.
Laurence Fishburne and Hugo Weaving are all the greater thespians for not appearing directly in this drivel, or at least I hope they didn't; I opted out before the end.
Army of Thieves (2021)
What if Tilda Swinton was an annoying self promotor?
This is your answer. Ineptitude and broken promises. The director/star has decided to give ALL of the screen time to himself, a bold move as portraying a Tilda Swinton / Sheldon from BBT knockoff in what is basically trying to be an action movie is not a good idea at all. In fact, some would venture to say it is downright stupid with the source material being what it is . The director should have taken a clue from what I believe "schweig" in his surname means and toned down the cult of himself a bit as his character did nothing to save the movie.
Much like the star of the movie, the rest is just a boring collection of events told with mostly uninteresting characters trying to give some credence to a very light and terminally cliched plot. Had this not been heavily promoted as the prequel to Army of the Dead I would never have given this a chance, and now I am annoyed that I did.
Malignant (2021)
Bass ackwards
Not gonna lie, I was initially disappointed in this movie and lost interest pretty early on, but the one good thing about that was that the plot twist, although visible miles away for the normal viewer, kinda got me.
The problem with the plot is that it makes the movie infinitively worse and more stupid than it has to be; some sort of separate antagonist or enemy would have been much better than the not so brilliant brainchild (yes) used. The movie would still have been a display of mediocracy, which, given the writers involved is no surprise, but as there obviously was a need to make a statement it is now both stupid and preachy.
For every other part, Malignant was a passable small movie without any features worth remembering, possibly with the exception of the use of cheap CGI that the brilliant plot forced upon it.
Company of Heroes (2013)
Did not make it to Jurgen
This gem is currently making the rounds on Amazon Prime, and I was fooled to waste my time on it by the promise of Jurgen (can't get the umalut here, so bear with me) Prochnow. I never made it. The first twenty minutes were ripe with stupidity, soap opera type face closeups, laughable CGI, historical anachronisms and covered by an overwhelming reek of piss poor writing combined with seriously incompetent direction and no sense for the era. I could not do it.
Every actor in this movie, with the exception of Vinnie Jones, who is basically just some failed washed out moron who used to kick a ball around, can and have done better.
If you are interested in this particular theatre if war, watch Band of Brothers, still unsurpassed..
No One Gets Out Alive (2021)
No One Cares
Typical Netflix LBQT section filler. I wonder if movies like this are churned out to fill a ratio, or are there actually people out there who want to enjoy an endless stream of mediocre humdrum like this?
The Bad Batch (2016)
Netflix sponsored drivel
Happened to start this movie last night, mistake. A chick flick with gore is still just a chick flick. DNF.
Brickleberry (2012)
Dear Penthouse
So, before I begin I must tell you that I always thought that my experience is something that only happens in movies and that all of the reviews here are fake but boy oh boy.
I was just chillin' out in my expensive top floor apartment one night, flexing my strong calves and sculpted thighs on the sofa and enjoying the feel of the silk dressing gown all over my otherwise naked body. Then some show called Brickleberry came on and it was so bad it ruined my entire night.
The End.
Leprechaun Returns (2018)
Not a return, just another cash grab reboot
Warwick Davies has not made a Leprechaun movie after the celebrated fifth sequel; In the Hood from 2000, which still carries the remarkable rating of 3.8 for all it's direct to video prowess. Although Warwick knew when to call it quits, hacks and second tiers out to cash in on the name sadly do not.
I bet this POS was basically forgotten, as it should be, until Netflix decided that this is something people want. I have had it with remakes, reboots and reimagenings; Every. Single. One. Has. Failed. This is no different, and nobody should be surprised. It is a sad world we live in where mediocracy and stupid laziness on this level is rewarded and encouraged. Everyone involved in this drivel should feel worse for it.
Psycho Goreman (2020)
It's a comedy, not a good one
Psycho Goreman is, to the obvious surprise of some, a frigging comedy. The story, what precious little there is of it, is built around classic (and tired) B-movie themes and should not be taken too seriously. This is Saturday morning cartoons for people watching TV at 2.30 AM on a weekday.
A major problem is that the thin plot is not enough to carry the movie, and although the obvious 80s vibe is appreciated, this too falls short due to the more powerful vibe of the el cheapo productions. This movie cannot make up it's mind, which is a shame as there are some genuinely good new ideas ("then live forever").
As for the characters; I too spent much of the movie wishing that Mimi and her limp wristed dad would just die already, the more violently the better. Whoever decided that two of the main characters NEED to be this polarizing pretty much ruined the movie for a large portion of the audience. I used to think Tina Belcher is annoying, now I have gained a whole new level of insight, so thanks for that, I guess.
Ghostbusters (2016)
The Feig touch is real
It's been over three years and the actors in this POS still catch shade for this movie? Good. There is such a thing as too much talent in the same movie, and the participants in this obviously counted on someone else in the cast to provide the comedy. It is amazing to me that not one of the stars dragged into this movie managed to produce even a chuckle during it's entire over-inflated runtime.
There is no plot to speak of, the majority of the story is just a loose collection of scenes thrown together in a way that ensures maximum product placement but generates zero interest. It's difficult to explain, but everything is just so poorly executed and awkward that it is impossible to watch this without becoming at least a bit annoyed and at worst a bit homicidal.
The majority of what is wrong with this train wreck is still on Paul Feig; he is the inept director and hack of a writer who is responsible for this. Also, instead of owning up to the well deserved criticism Paul Feig decided to make this a gender issue; everyone who do not approve of this worthless drivel is a chauvinist and hates women. Nice one, Paul. Thank you for making movies that bomb at the box office, you played yourself.