If you like melodrama and stock footage, you've found the right movie. Obvious propaganda film is obvious but a poor man's Humphrey Bogart helps make it memorable.
Reviews
42 Reviews
Clown Motel: Spirits Arise
(2019)
Unwatchable
5 May 2020
I can stomach a lot in a low budget horror flick but even I have my limits. This film exceeded them. I could not make it through the last half hour of this towering heap of terrible. I would rather be tickled with electric cattle prods than watch another 5 minutes.
For god's sake, RUN!
For god's sake, RUN!
Braid
(2018)
WTF
27 April 2020
I made it all the way through. The story ran out after 50 minutes but this film lumbered on bravely despite having been decapitated. The last third of this was a disjointed, self-consciously weird wreck of a shamble. Was it all a dream? A drug trip? A psychotic delusion? Who knows? WTF.
Ellipse
(2019)
Self-Indulgence and Space Mangoes
12 April 2020
It's always a bad sign when a film is directed by, written by and stars the same person. That's what you're getting here and it will be obvious within the first half hour that things are going very wrong. The space mangoes hanging from pine trees by fishing line is symptomatic of the low bar. Then there's endless slow motion and blatant attempts to jerk tears. Also, the "alien world" looks exactly like the mountains of California.
The best thing in this movie is a dog.
The best thing in this movie is a dog.
Hallowed Ground
(2019)
Deliver Me From Deliverance
31 March 2020
I can excuse a great deal in a horror flick but there are limits to the suspension of my disbelief. Nobody in the real world makes the constant stream of bad decisions that passes for a story. People like this wouldn't survive childhood. I don't blame the actors and I'm fine with every theme present except one: poor story-telling.
Keep scrolling!
Keep scrolling!
Carnivale' Creepshow
(2014)
I have scraped better movies off the bottom of my shoe
16 February 2020
Twenty minutes in, I realized that this was unwatchable. I kept watching. It kept getting worse. This is "hey kids let's make a video on my phone" bad. The writing, especially the dialogue, is AWFUL, and it isn't helped by the acting. The camera work, the stupid cartoon bits, all of it is beyond terrible. Run away. Run far away.
Eaters of the Dead
(2017)
Notes While Watching
12 February 2020
Warning: Spoilers
Welcome to dystopian cannibalism 101
The soundtrack mismatches the action and is too loud. The sound mixing in general leaves a lot to be desired.
It's nice to see that teenagers can still get orthodontic care after a NBC warfare disaster resulting in widespread institutionalized cannibalism.
The editing is all over the map. Very choppy in spots when nothing much is happening. Please stop cutting back and forth every two seconds. Confusing and amateurish way to cover up the slow parts when they're talking pop philosophy.
If there are no animals left to eat, why are crickets constantly chirping? Eat the crickets... Occasional birds, too. Kinda blows the premise.
Why does the police dispatcher sound like someone doing a poor Sean Connery impersonation?
This is basically a very stripped-down version of Soylent Green with the rich consuming the poor. Nowhere near that caliber of talent in this, though.
47 minutes into the movie, there hasn't been a single gory or even particularly violent scene. Tame stuff so far.
The sped-up scene hurts my eyes and doesn't seem to convey anything other than "this would be nice."
"A few minutes later"
And it's over without any kind of satisfactory tension ever building. What a flat film. I won't be watching again.
The soundtrack mismatches the action and is too loud. The sound mixing in general leaves a lot to be desired.
It's nice to see that teenagers can still get orthodontic care after a NBC warfare disaster resulting in widespread institutionalized cannibalism.
The editing is all over the map. Very choppy in spots when nothing much is happening. Please stop cutting back and forth every two seconds. Confusing and amateurish way to cover up the slow parts when they're talking pop philosophy.
If there are no animals left to eat, why are crickets constantly chirping? Eat the crickets... Occasional birds, too. Kinda blows the premise.
Why does the police dispatcher sound like someone doing a poor Sean Connery impersonation?
This is basically a very stripped-down version of Soylent Green with the rich consuming the poor. Nowhere near that caliber of talent in this, though.
47 minutes into the movie, there hasn't been a single gory or even particularly violent scene. Tame stuff so far.
The sped-up scene hurts my eyes and doesn't seem to convey anything other than "this would be nice."
"A few minutes later"
And it's over without any kind of satisfactory tension ever building. What a flat film. I won't be watching again.
Blood Descendants
(2007 Video)
The Best Horror Movie Ever Made...
25 January 2020
... in East Lyme, CT. I mean, sure, it's tedious and amateurish. Sure, the acting is worthy of a school play. Sure, the CG are cheap and cheezy.
But there's no denying this was made in East Lyme. Its effects are similar to the disease for which the town is more famous.
But there's no denying this was made in East Lyme. Its effects are similar to the disease for which the town is more famous.
Lost Souls
(1998 TV Movie)
Forgettable
11 January 2020
You won't remember this film two weeks after viewing it. Not a thing in it, not a performance or a scene or a plot twist, will stay with you. It's a very basic, predictable ghost story involving an autistic child and a machine for talking to the dead. Goes nowhere and lays there.
Two weeks. Maximum.
Two weeks. Maximum.
A Snoozing on Sleepy Street
11 January 2020
Suburban Coven
(2018)
Dull and Drab
7 January 2020
Warning: Spoilers
There are plot holes galore in this slow-paced, hardly acted, sleep inducer. It never delivers a coven. It never delivers a scare. The ending may induce cramps. It sure didn't cause a chill.
If you're a horror fan, avoid this waste of your time. I wish I had.
If you're a horror fan, avoid this waste of your time. I wish I had.
Dracula 3D
(2012)
A Weak Dracula
1 January 2020
I like Dario Argento as a rule, but this movie is weak both as compared to the rest of his work and as compared to the many adaptations of Stoker's novel. Thomas Kretschmann is woefully miscast in the title role, a bland vampire who never conveys much foreboding. Some of the CG goes far off the mark, the worst of which is a giant praying mantis that's so garishly fake that it's hard to believe the director could have approved it.
That said, most of the cast is good. They don't have a lot to work with, though. Disappointingly mediocre overall, especially coming from Argento.
That said, most of the cast is good. They don't have a lot to work with, though. Disappointingly mediocre overall, especially coming from Argento.
Tabernacle 101
(2019)
The Amazing Adventures of Jesusman!
27 December 2019
Warning: Spoilers
An obnoxious atheist dies and returns from the dead as Jesusman. He gains all sorts of supernatural abilities and does light saber combat with demons. Pew! Pew! Pew!
So pretensious that it sports a crucifixion. The acting and writing were surely dredged up from hell. The cheap CG special FX make the whole thing much funnier than this load of awful ever intended to be. It's the icing on the cow pie!
Pew! Pew! Jesusman to the rescue!
So pretensious that it sports a crucifixion. The acting and writing were surely dredged up from hell. The cheap CG special FX make the whole thing much funnier than this load of awful ever intended to be. It's the icing on the cow pie!
Pew! Pew! Jesusman to the rescue!
Grandma Werewolf
(2017)
Grandma Got Run Over By A Werewolf
20 December 2019
Warning: Spoilers
This movie is set in an alternative universe where everyone is terrible at what they do. Bad parenting, bad policing, bad acting, bad writing... it's all bad. No blood, a body count of zero, and costumes bought on Amazon. You have been warned. It's a cinematic dad joke.
My Sides Hurt
6 November 2019
This movie fails so hard that it's hilarious. It's funny in ways that the filmmakers, who were on some potent drugs, couldn't possibly have intended. The surreal dialogue, the terrible sound recording, the huge-breasted actress changing costumes on camera to work in yet another shot of her cleavage, Donald Pleasence on an apparent bender, all of it. It's a perfect storm of awful. Dysfunctional hilarity!
Assimilate
(I) (2019)
Derivative Is A Kind Word
28 October 2019
Who would have thought that Invasion of the Snotty Badgers would have been so like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, right down to pods and shrieking impostors? Thing as, it's not a particularly good "homage" to the original or it's reboot.
Point at this movie, shriek and move on.
Point at this movie, shriek and move on.
Strange Nature
(2018)
Erin Brockovich vs. The Killer Shrews
22 September 2019
Warning: Spoilers
So many unintentionally humorous moments in this rather earnest nature-revenge flick! The very last scene provides a certain macabre final flourish, and make sure not to miss the additional scene after the credits.
So bad it's good! I totally understand why comedian Carlos Alazraqui to do this weirdly comic creature-feature.
Take with several large grains of salt and enjoy.
So bad it's good! I totally understand why comedian Carlos Alazraqui to do this weirdly comic creature-feature.
Take with several large grains of salt and enjoy.
Train of the Dead
(2007)
Train of the Dead Derails
26 August 2019
There's nothing in particular to recommend this movie. The story is minuscule, the special effects ridiculous, the acting consistently over the top. The ending doesn't come close to being coherent. It's a major mess. Choo choo.
The Black Room
(2017)
I Officially Love This Movie
8 June 2019
Not only is it one of the better demonic horrors you'll see, but it's got an 80s feeling tongue-in-cheek (among other places) feel to it. My wife and I were, um, truly inspired by this flick. Kudos to Kanefsky for not only entertaining me but getting me laid. I can't wait to see more of his stuff.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
The Curse of La Llorona
(2019)
Pedestrian and Forgettable
21 April 2019
There is no good reason to pay full price of admission for this one. You've seen everything in it a hundred times before. Not one thing stands out about this mediocre bit of fluff. Wait to watch it on the small screen if you must watch, but if you miss it... no big deal.
The Covenant
(2017)
Good Mythology
19 April 2019
I went in with low expectations and this exceeded them. One of the better in the ever-growing crop of satanic mythology. This one even has something close to a twist in it but no spoilers here. If you like Christian good-v-evil movies, give it a look. You can even root for the bad guy.
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