Reviews

A true mystery cannot include supernatural action or agents unknown to science, nor any physical impossibilities (or even improbabilities).

The enjoyment that one gets from watching a mystery unfold is in the collection of clues by a gifted amateur detective (either a character in the story, or the audience itself with some aid from the script), the clever mis-direction and art of the author, and a satisfying conclusion.

The conclusion is the key -- it must be innovative, and coherent. (Agatha Christie, of course, was the master. Everyone on the Orient Express did it; that's original, and satisfying. The police officer set the Mousetrap; that's original, and satisfying. The hanging judge faked his own death in order to direct suspicion elsewhere; that's original, and satisfying.)

What is the point of crafting a lenghty story, and then saying at the end: "Yes, it all WAS possible, see? The existence of the *flibbertigibbet machine* means that it could have happened."

A 'twist' that amounts to "I, the writer, can do whatever I damn well please" is simply hackneyed.

'Electrical cloning' is impossible. It cannot be done. Saying it can -- and was, by Nikola Tesla -- is idiotic.

While we're throwing around impossibilities concerning historical figures, we might as well just make a film about Queen Elizabeth I conquering Mars, or Julius Caesar inventing time travel using silver coins and sunshine.

What an absolute waste of my time.

PS. If the machine was a diversion -- all of the flashbacks and double-crosses muddied the story sufficiently to allow the possibility -- I still want to know why there are human forms in all of the many water tanks in the warehouse at the end of the film.

The question the author wants us to ask is: are these the dead canaries, so to speak, or are they yet another layer of mis-direction?

I think I can say this: if this were just another layer, and I am supposed to believe that the human forms are manniquins or stolen corpses, I am even more angry with the author. A pathetically low level of storytelling would have been reached.

Both choices come out to the same result: a horrific stain on the good name of the mystery.

I seem to be among the only people who consider this movie to be a terrible mis-fire, on a par with Shyamalan's *Lady in the Water* and Gilliam's "The Brothers Grimm".

So be it. I shall back that claim up.

Many people are reportedly enjoying the movie's ability to 're-interpret traditional fairy tale motifs'.

If only that was what del Toro was up to, here. He didn't re-interpret anything. He just grabbed a bunch of classic themes and plot points (the three tasks; the magical guide; the unexplained magic rocks that are the bane of an evil creature for some reason; the magic book that foretells the future; the golden key and the choice of key-holes; the prohibition against eating in the underworld that is broken simply because it would be no fun if it weren't; the magical creatures that adults can't see because they aren't really there; the young girl on the cusp of puberty who fears her growing sexuality and capacity for reproduction and so retreats into a fantasy world to deal with her traumatic environment; the climactic flight into a maze that is conveniently nearby) and threw them into a ridiculously drawn shadow of the aftermath of the Spanish Civil War.

On this front, Sergi Lopez and his lame impression of Ralph Fiennes in *Schindler's List* was particularly outrageous. The points which are meant to build him into a threatening character were always taken from elsewhere, and, even worse, always CAME ACROSS as points meant to build him into a threatening character: his vaguely harassing caress of Mercedes' shoulder; his rampant chauvinism; his graphic crushing of an innocent farmer's face; his slashing at his own reflected throat with a straight razor; his tortured relationship with his dead father's watch...etc. At no time did he seem like anything more than a caricature.

Unfortunately, this was not unusual.

The overall weak characterization meant that any real sense of Fascist Spain was just entirely missing, and the brief fantasy sequences lacked any real resonance.

The dinner party was meant to relate the connections between the wealthy, the church and the Fascists, but it was too short to register.

The faun himself had few lines, and was entirely cryptic. If Ofelia was simply dreaming him up, this perhaps accounts for the fact that she was never, not for one second, surprised that a giant faun was offering her faeries and tasks, but not his complete lack of any helpful, world-building clues. And, since we are not welcomed into his world, the threat of its destruction simply doesn't matter to us.

The predicament of Mercedes didn't make any sense. Why was she not in the mountains with her lover? Was her ability to sneak mail and keys to (hilariously flimsy) wooden doors out to the rebels really so essential? In fact, having a few female rebels would have been more authentic and less offensive than having them all chopping potatoes for the Captain. Did anyone for one second think that she would not find some use for that blade she kept tucked into her dress? Why did she not kill Vidal when he was at her mercy? She had no trouble later on. (Was it really because he needed to live in order to continue driving the plot? Because that would be pathetic.)

Did Ofelia's mother actually say, out loud, that she married a cold, brutal psychopath who made it clear that he valued her only as a vessel for childbirth, simply because she was 'lonely'? What the hell was up with that? (I mean, as the widow of a tailor, it isn't as though she needed to marry a soldier in order to maintain her accustomed level of luxury. Why be so massively anti-feminist simply because you can?)

The death of the doctor, who tries to make a moral statement despite offering his skills to the Fascists whom he hates, was also hackneyed. (Hint: Don't turn your 'sympathetic' character into a cowardly Fascist collaborator who is so terrified of losing his sense of privilege that he would rather euthanize rebels than fight alongside them.)

The attempts to work in allegories of change (the death of Vidal, the fact that his son would never know of him, the sly glances at 'Red Propaganda' which claims that we are all equal) also caused me to frown.

Franco won in '39, the 'heroic' rebels (who were just as given to atrocity) were hunted to extinction, and the Fascists ruled well into the 1970s, ruining the lives of further millions; socialism in the Spanish-speaking countries turned out to be just as bad. Just what the hell is del Toro getting at? He seems very muddled.

Even the special effects, which are getting excellent press, were cartoonish and poorly executed. (The toad that vomited up its tongue wouldn't have been out of place in *The Phantom Menace*, nor would the fairies whom Ofelia never quite seemed to be looking at...and did I actually spot a goddamn elf-ear on Ofelia's resurrected mother? Leftover sets and props from the Lord of the Rings, I suppose.)

The overall lesson seems to have been that innocence is lost, and death is everywhere, so the only course is to delude oneself to the point that you are willing to trust 'the voices'. Ofelia needed psychiatric treatment, not a richer fantasy life. There was no value, to my mind, in her visions or her death. And that WAS a tragedy, of a different kind than the one intended.

I could go on but I'll stop there.

PS. If you thought that this film was excellent, just wait until *Coraline* comes out. Then you might see a truly re-interpreted fairy tale, with a greater depth of explanation, mystery and menace.

Watching *Just Like Heaven*, I couldn't help noticing that it is nothing more or less than an indictment of euthanasia, packaged as a sugary romantic confection. (That it was released in the wake of the Terri Schiavo case made it even more reprehensible, in my view.) Girl goes into persistent vegetative state. Girl miraculously wakes up. Ugh.

Not only is this a dishonest portrayal of the prospects of such a comatose patient (*brain-dead* means just that), it casts those acting in a responsible manner - and with legitimate power of attorney - as attempted murderers.

Politically-charged propaganda like this is disgusting.

Those who have to make the hard choices concerning unfortunate family members do NOT need to be offered this kind of ridiculous *chance* that their loved-one will eventually *wake up* and happily resume their old life, or even a new and improved version of it.

(Please note that I am neither supporting nor condemning euthanasia from a moral standpoint. In cases such as these, I am more than content to support the decision of the family-members involved - provided that they act on the available evidence. THEIR informed choice is paramount. That is why I condemn garbage like this movie. It is a lie. A lie aimed at generating a knee-jerk conservative reaction in the viewer. A lie making a sick attempt to hold rational people at moral knifepoint in perhaps the most difficult and fraught period of their entire lives.) Yes, yes...I realize that this is just a rom-com, (it certainly had the abysmal artistic merit of one), but what better way to slip a bit of *Religious Right* proselytizing in, just under the radar? Call it a parable, if that makes it easier to understand the significance of such films.