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sanachan
Reviews
Freakshow (1989)
Godawful.
Terrible, terrible movie, full of some of the worst 'horror' stories I've ever had the bad judgment to decide to sit through - I kept thinking "well, just one more, it can't possibly be as bad as the last one", and it was. And in case you're wondering, the acting stinks as bad as the writing. If you like bad movies - chances are you probably still won't like this. It's literally painful to watch the actors stumbling around delivering lines like they just woke up.
In one story, a new employee at a pizza delivery place is told to go deliver a pizza to a ... Haunted House. That is, he's told this after a lot of padding to the script. There's a girl who gets her breasts touched by a guy. And again later what may or may not be the same girl again groped by what may or may not be the same guy. Two employees getting into a knife fight in the middle of work. A woman with a REALLY bad Italian accent who obviously is supposed to own and/or run the place standing back watching mildly until everything's over then saying "oh, hey, stop that" - finally, FINALLY we get to the new guy and he's sent to "1313 Nosferatu Lane" (or something like that - a horror name or author, I've forgotten - just something horribly cheesy with 1313 in it) with the pizza to deliver. And then the guys from the pizza shop, who for some reason hate him for not being Italian (even though we're still not sure if they are) call him up and tell him he's chicken and dare him to go to the house he's already going to, etc etc. So he goes in, long, lonnnnnnnng sequence follows in which you keep expecting something horrible to happen. Instead, there's a long, loooooooooong sequence involving girls in lingerie. Badly fitting, mismatched lingerie. No nudity, for those of you about to run out and buy it for that. Just a bunch of stupid dancing in ugly lingerie for so very, very long, while a sort of damp hand with some bad press-on nail job holds the kid captive so he can't run away from the chicks dancing around him in their lingerie.
Yeah.
Anyway, they hit the kid's head against things every so often, and eventually, despite the fact that I never see anybody touch him except the hand of this one monster (the press-on nails monster) we never actually see, he becomes a vampire.
I think.
Actually he has fangs and some horns sticking out of his face. The girls have fangs yet remain pretty girls.
So anyway, he trots on back to the pizza place, comes in looking perfectly normal, mentions a bunch of girls where he went, and conveniently one of the girls then rings up and invites the rest of the guys over, and they, hearing a sexy voice, go running towards what one assumes is their doom.
And we get one last shot of nerd new boy hissing with bad fangs and horns growing out of his face.
Look, I don't know. Just don't watch it, okay? Thank me later for saving you a valuable portion of your life.