Change Your Image
braley-christopher
Reviews
Alien Armageddon (2011)
See Battle:Los Angeles instead.
Imagine if you shot a movie about aliens without leaving a public restroom. This is that movie.
Set design is bland, consists of either a concrete room or a desert road. CGI is corny, watch a person's head photshopped away to be replaced by blood spatter clip art. UFOs kind of look like adult novelty products, and the terrifying alien technology we face? Machine guns. Cast is completely made up of unknowns who are cast into uninteresting character roles such as "suicidal pilot with uncomfortably acidic feces" who do nothing but soak up screen time until their unrealistic deaths.
If you are considering this movie, I recommend Battle: Los Angeles, which this movie started out with a very similar title to. That movie opens with a strong show of special effects and the slightly less than unheard of Aaron Eckhart. Battle: Los Angeles will also not ever subject you to 5 minutes of watching someone vomit and defecate into a bucket while begging for death. This low budget "thriller" will not only show you that scene, it may even make you mimic it.
The Woman (2011)
Soundtrack gets an F
This movie fails from the get go. It is listed as a "goof" that the feral woman captured from the wild has shaved arms and legs even at her first moment of human contact. The rest of the movie is really going to pour over how terrible men are, but at least for now we know that even the wolves were having this girl find a way to keep trimmed. That or 5 minutes in, the movie shatters it's own premise out of sheer stupidity. I wasn't sure how to take it.
From the cover or synopsis, this movie comes off as torture porn, a genre pioneered by SAW and Hostel, where horror violence generally becomes over-the-top very quickly and stays there. This movie kind of has a brutal horror wrap-up, but most of it plays out more like Law and Order:SVU, just awkwardly rapey male characters and sobby female ones. No one is relatable in this movie, even if you share a first name with the main character. If they had gotten Mel Gibson, and had him play himself as the lead, this would have made an OK dark comedy.
Moving on to the worst part - the "soundtrack." The entire movie is set to a Sean Spillane album-weird, preachy, sad, acoustic guitar music with no production value and a volume at least 200% any other sound played in the film. I think I would have preferred "Destiny's Child-Survivor" 14 times over in this movie than it's existing soundtrack.
So if you decide to watch this, mute your TV set, and do voiceovers for Mel Gibson yourself throughout. It will really increase your enjoyment of the film.