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Reviews
The Book of Clarence (2023)
Did Not Finish
I waited a long time for this film. The premise was intriguing, the casting was excellent, and it had originality in spades. But I ended up shutting it off after the first hour.
I thought I'd get a unique spin on period peices but instead I got a lame trip through colonial Williamsburg. The people, setting, everything felt so modern that it rang hollow. No pun intended but this film that's not about Jesus felt soulless.
And the comedy ranges from subtle tongue-in-cheek jabs to outlandish looney tune nonsense. I was waiting for someone to run through a wall leaving behind a human shaped print. I just don't understand (at least in the first hour) what this film was trying to accomplish? Either way, it took too long to accomplish and I can only watch so many jokes about weed before I turn it off.
True Detective (2014)
Please stop at season 1 (Maybe 2)
Please, if you enjoy this show, stop at season one. Some of the best writing I've ever seen and each season after delivers diminishing returns. Ending with an absolutely abysmal Season 4 Night Country. Im glad it was mostly white noise while I was cleaning because the final climax of "who done it" is enough to make me quit television altogether.
I wish I said that in jest, but it truly is one of the most egregious offenses to writing I've ever seen on one of the main streaming services. They would have been better defecating on a laptop and drawing symbols on the walls of their office. Probably would have made for a better story.
Enjoy season one. Do not go past season 2. You've been warned.
Redbelt (2008)
A true fight for honor
Chiwetel Ejiofor subtle internal struggle to keep his honor while drowning in a sea of dishonorable and reprehensible people was a phenomenal story that is vastly overlooked by both the MMA world and cinema world alike. I have never felt so deeply for an individual fighting to keep his literal word. While selling out and being duplicitous would be the far easier and lucrative route. He refuses (much to the hate of others) to surrender his honor.
This film was written and directed by the great David Mamet and yet it absolutely got zero attention from the powers that be. If you have not seen this film, I could not recommend it enough. If the ending doesn't get you, I'm afraid you need to check your pulse.
Scavengers Reign (2023)
Simply phenomenal miniseries
This. This is how you utilize diversity and highlight voices without being heavy handed or contrived. Not once did I feel as if the interwoven storyline was trying to push me in one direction or another. The leading women were absolutely phenomenal and the definition of strong survivors. They are warriors without ever needing to utter the words "I am a warrior."
Show. Don't tell. I learned everything I need to know about Azi and Ursula by watching and learning. EXPERIENCING their highs and lows and moving with them on their journey in a foreign and beautiful world albeit a violent and treacherous one. I cared more about a "machine" than I have most humans in shows, live action or animated.
I implore writers and creators to take notes because this show put on a clinic on how to tell a damn good story and everyone who was involved with this project should be damn proud. Full stop.
Orphan: First Kill (2022)
Horrible
Trash from beginning to end, every weak scare to trick camera shot to make a 20 something appear to be a child. This film was so unbelievably irritating I'm shocked to see its score is 6.1 at the time of this review. What are you watching? The acting? The story? The horror? The incorrect second title? It wasn't her first kill! Not even close.
The problem with this truly comes down to the casting and the need to use the same actor. She aged out and it completely makes it impossible to suspend belief. It looks like shes floating on her knees and the body double for far away shots is clewrly not her. The twist was a life raft on the titanic, too little too late. The plot holes and oblivious characters were too much to take.
Settlers (2021)
Distorted Reviews
This movie isn't trash, it's not poignant either. It's not an allegory with some deeper meaning, it isn't a complete snooze either.
There are some beautiful shots and moments of true suspense (the bandits chasing the girl is well done). However, to criticize people for not agreeing with your interpretation of said film and throwing ad hominems to flex superiority isn't going to further your point.
There is good and bad, but in the end, a man giving a teen girl a picture of her dead mother that he killed and then kissing her is just a wtf moment that I could have done without much like a lot of this film.
Prey (2022)
Please don't believe the hype
Its a good movie, HOWEVER when you've had a string of losses in the franchise, mediocrity can appear to be a masterpiece.
First off, why does everyone speak perfect English? Its 1700 stop.
Second, how does an untrained hunter become skilled in CQC. I get she practiced but disarming and killing rough men like a special forces operative?
Third, you're telling me a flower lowers your body temp to invisible on infrared?
Fourth, why does the brother just give up when they could have teamed up? Seems like everyone was just set up to die but the MC, hell even the dog didn't even get a scratch.
Fifth, whats up with the tree kicking?
Sixth, you master interstellar travel, you have active camo, laser guided bombs, laser sights, but no laser gun? Guess it being the 1700s that predator hasn't "upgraded" yet...
Seventh, A predator can knock out a bear in one punch but somehow stuggles with humans...
Eighth, why is the plot armor so thick to ensure she never takes a real hit from man, or beast, or Predator. When it had her by the throat... game over for everyone else but the MC
Ninth, how the hell is the MC faster than a deer and a predator?
Tenth, How does someone fall into a mud pit and NOT retreat to the solid ground they were literally standing on a second ago, one foot behind them.
Eleventh, If you create a new weapon, even a simple one, would it not take time to learn to use it? The MC is basically unstoppable and unbeatable, never do they feel in danger because you know they'll win.
The hype train is gonna go long and strong with this one. People will ignore all the glaring issues, lack of character, lack of emotion, lack of anything remotely riveting. The stripped back feel is nice but they forgot to add something beyond women are better and stronger and faster then dumb old men.
Nope (2022)
Stumbles towards the end
I really don't know what to say but Jordan Peele is clearly operating on another level. I enjoyed the film but didn't really understand why the last 20 was so forced? The climax just seemed unearned, the deaths seemed to come out of nowhere and the flying thing in the sky became.... a bigger flying thing in the sky.
Similar to US nothing was really explained and characters just seem to come and go in some parts. I really don't know what to make of it but Jordan is going to be praised im sure. I really wonder if he cares or if he's just filling time since he already got an Oscar and changed the landscape of horror movies.
Clifton Hill (2019)
Easy mode
This movie has no character arc, no story, no real plot. Its a meandering mess. Every person besides the protagonist are the dumbest individuals ever created. They don't push the protagonist, they just bow and accomodate. That's not how people act when they're trying to hide something.
She's not a cop. She's not a reporter. And she's about 30 years too late.
Like Crazy (2011)
Toxic
A foray into toxic relationships and not knowing when to cut your losses to get what you really need. The female protagonist is a manipulative hypocrite and the dynamic between the two is Vlvery sad and very idiotic.
Zhou (2022)
A meandering mess
Story is all over the place. Non-linear storytelling is fine but when its just coupled with shocking imagery and melodrama it rings hollow.
Its really long for the sake of being long and if the kid wasn't so cute and endearing I imagine many people wouldn't care. The found footage trope needs to go. Like reality television it does the opposite for me and just makes everything feel fake.
Euphoria (2019)
Wanna get high?
Do you hate men? Do you like disgusting people who take zero accountability? Do you wanna see 30 year olds play highschoolers? Then this is the show for you.
Nothing gets this big without having some semblance of competent writing. It's beautifully shot and overwhelmingly dramatic. The main thing that bothers me is the depictions of drug use and trauma. Along with the nihilistic tone and brooding teen obsession.
But no one wants to see well adjusted kids on television...
Resident Evil (2022)
Pilot
I'll change this review accordingly as I watch the episodes. But right now, after the pilot, this is pure disrespect to any fan or any peraon even vaguely familiar with the games, hell even the live action movies (Definitely watch the CGI films)
I don't know what's up with the seperate timelines or why they chose this narrative but it's disjointed and jarring. Also, as a black man, save your color swapping and hand me down characters. Wesker is white.
Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)
Aimless
This film wasn't for me. Weird for the sake of being weird. What it attempted to do was something that can't be done. Similar to TENANT, it's a concept of the intangibles with the overall theme of love falling flat because there's simply too much going on.
Hence the name.
It's well acted, well produced with amazing choreography but as a movie its just odd. Original yes, but odd and hard to become attached.
Unhuman (2022)
Brain Dead
How does someone on drugs fall out of a window, break their neck and just gets up and runs away?
Similar to HIGH TENSION this movie has too many plot holes to make sense. It's nonsensical. Even if you turn your brain off it's not enjoyable.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (2022)
So, Sonic?
I don't know why they tried to have a C plot. Also, why was the fastest creature on console slow af? What happened? Why was he cruising in neutral half the movie? It's Sonic. SoNiC. It's like going to a concert and having a backup singer take center stage. Again, its Sonic. Its a video game. Dr. Guy. Gold Fox. Blue Hedghog. Red Predator. Thats all that needs to be a story.
Sonic Fast. Knuckle Punch. Tails Fly. End.
Ku bei (2021)
Pure Horror
The complete opposite of elevated horror. The absolute, most unapologetic horror film since Martyrs. There aren't enough trigger warnings to fill the length of this film. Its over-the-top tone straddles the line between comedic and depraved (heavy on the depraved) only foreign films can go this hard and not be flagged. Watch at your discretion but definitely worth knowing about.
Fresh (2022)
Hello Fresh Cannibal
I dig the premise. Its a unique take on the serial killer genre Very solid horror in a landscape where horror is often lacking with good acting. The biggest problem for me is a bloated runtime and stereotypes.
There are some really great scares and her initial reaction to being taken is A1. But, again, the choice to build such a meaningless relationship in order to "feel" for the character seems like a waste. Twenty-five minutes to establish nothing with credits half-an-hour into the movie.
Men bad. Girl good. Yay bi-curious friendship.
Barbarians (2021)
Nothing to do with anything
That sentence sums up this movie. That's it. Very little in terms of set ups and payoffs. Nothing flows. Suspense doesn't built. It's just a sequence of moving pictures.
No story. No plot. No characters. Just bullet points. They filmed an outline.
Jungleland (2019)
Toxic
Question, are you smart and your brother you've known all your life is toxic or are you dumb and the girl you met 3 days ago is manipulating you?
This film is hard hitting and raw but I found myself despising the girl and the ease in which she turned two brothers from the streets against one another like dogs fighting over a scrap of meat.
I get it. Dog eat dog. Mean streets. But when I see a character lose all focus over a woman and turn on the man who has fed him and looked after him; it makes me die a little on the inside. She had no qualm in doing so and used faux emotions to get her way. She is a sad, dream struck little girl who cannot fathom being average eventhough she is just that.
I loathe this character with every fiber of my being and no robe will redeem the havoc and bad blood she created, so I guess good job to the writer Max Winkler (and others) for creating such a god awful, nausea inducing, succubus of a character.
Good movie though. "Warrior" like.
Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021)
Its good... but
It seems like everyone outside of Paul Rudd and the protagonist are one dimensional or inept. They didn't seem to try too hard to establish anyone else and they appear to stand-ins just to fill out the cast.
Also the plot is riddled with coincidences and inconsistency. How does a 80lb girl lift a 60lbs pack and not struggle? This is minor compared to larger issues but I get it, its a pure hit of nostalgia and for that I'm grateful.
But as a movie, as a story, it rings hollow.
Kandisha (2020)
Zero Accountability
I absolutely loathe the protagonist of this film. She summons an uncontrollable spirit and blames people for not helping her stop it. Tf?
She's so unlikable and solely to blame for every single death in the film. And we're supposed to root for her? I find it hard to cheer for someone with no humility and even less personality. Teen angst has a limit and she OD on it.
Her friends do little to lift the story beyond mediocrity. They're mainly stand-ins to show that the protagonist is capable of maintaining friendships. There are some good kills with great practical effects but for an 85min runtime it shouldnt feel like a slow burn... yet it does.
I just didn't care for most of it. Weak execution and slow revelations.
Choose or Die (2022)
Questionable
Soundtrack has flavor, probably the best thing about this movie.
The score is horrendous with ill timed jump scares and sharp pitches. And a heavy reliance on synth!
Acting is equally bad. I assume they phoned it end for the sake of making content. However, the lead, is especially bad. Her expressionless face triggers my PTSD of Kristen Stewart in her twighlight days. Bad movie, bad.
The Spine of Night (2021)
Must Watch!
Its all in the title. You must watch this film. Its simple story is filled with such beauty and darkness. It must be enjoyed by as many people as possible.
Scream (2022)
Almost Really Damn Good
This was the scream I was waiting for. A high five (5.9) This movie had me on the edge of my seat, literally cheering when an iconic character goes down swinging.
Honestly it hits on every meta point in a great and refreshing way. The kills go harder, the pain is turned up and the whodunit is at its most whodunit-ist with 0 trust or benefit of the doubt given.
Although I saw the killer reveal, the reasoning was... quite fitting for the time. My only true complaint is although the pain is turned up, it borders on Marvel level superhero. I've been severely injured and nobody is moving that spry. The ending was a bit of a let down with one too many gotcha' moments and well-timed lines but overall a must watch for fans.