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JamiJR
Reviews
Dracula (2002)
One of the worse Dracula adaptations ever.
Van Helsing was a better movie than this. Badly written and terribly acted, this dreck doesn't deserve an IMDB page. The characters are all one dimensional - more so than in the original novel. Patrick Bergin is by far the worse Dracula ever seen. Even worse than Thomas Kretschmann in Dracula 3D. There are plot holes you could drive the Queen Mary through. Avoid at all costs. You'd have a better time watching Zoltan: The Hound Of Dracula than this.
Le ballon rouge (1956)
This movie still terrifies me to this day.
Every rainy day in elementary school we were subjected to this horror show of a movie. A boy is stalked around Paris by a sentient red balloon. Stupidly, the boy befriends this balloon instead of running away in terror from this unholy object. Even though I was already reading Stephen King and grew up watching horror movies, none of that scared me as much as this terrifying tale of a stalker balloon. The ending is by far the worse when the boy is abducted by all the balloons of Paris and it ends with him flying high in the sky. Leaving one wondering what will happen next. Will a flock of birds fly into the balloons popping them? Or will the balloons abandon the boy and leave him to end up impaled upon the Eiffel Tower?
I don't know how anyone can possibly find this movie artistic or charming. It's terrifying and to this day I really, REALLY hate balloons.
Ghostbusters (2016)
At the end of the day it's a misogynistic pile of puke.
I'm serious. This movie is misogynistic, not the people who hate it.
Every female character is badly written but Erin is the worse offender. The way she acts around Kevin is a male power fantasy about smart women acting stupid around men. No, a woman with half the IQ of Erin would say to Kevin after 30 seconds, "Look, you're cute, but you're so stupid you're obviously the product of inbreeding. Get out."
And those of you who keep claiming there's no fat jokes? Yes they are! Like the misogyny they're subtle but they ARE there. All those moments with Abby and soup? The bit about the sandwich, her picking off others' food, and low blood sugar? Abby only being able to come up with soup as a good thing in the world? Those are ALL fat jokes. Cause "Oh, well, she's fat so she should be obsessed with food." Haha, very funny. Look, I'm fat, I know a fat joke when I hear one.
The only saving grace of this movie is Leslie Jones. She deserves so much better. I want to see her in a horror-action flick where she's killing vampires or Lovecraft's Elder Gods. Cause she's amazing and I love her. But even she can't save this dreck.
Still miles better than the Star Trek reboots though. Or as I call them, Star Wreck.
Covert Affairs (2010)
Awful show and the lead needs to wash her hair!
Annie Walker is one of those "too perfect" characters - she can fight, she can speak six languages, she can do everything - except wash her hair.
Piper Perabo plays the grease pit Annie, and does a terrible job of it. Granted, the hackneyed writing, impossible plots, inane characters - just an all around bad show.
Why everyone is praising Annie's so called beauty with her unwashed hair (honestly, you could use the oil in it to replace the oil in the engine of a SUV) and over collagened lips is beyond me. It makes it even more impossible to suspend disbelief.
This is a show that should never have seen the light of day. And Piper is a woman who needs to be taught basic hygiene.
Fairly Legal (2011)
She's too perfect.
There's nothing more annoying or boring then a character that can fix every single problem - and when that character is female it's even worse. (This is coming from a woman, mind you.) Kate is too perfect. She can solve any problem thrown her way - except with her ex-husband and step-mother, but these two flaws are not enough to save the show.
The fact is, Kate is too pretty, too smart, and too all around annoying. I spend every episode wishing she'd get hit by a car or have a heart attack from the massive amounts of caffeine she consumes.
Perhaps if she was fat, or had a big wart on her face, or something to give her a flaw she'd be more likable. As it is, Fairly Legal is a show you pray will get canceled because Kate is too perfect.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (1999)
It used to be good.
Back when Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was truly an ensemble show, it was excellent. Each week would focus mostly on one character - the best episodes being the Munch-centric ones - showing us a case from beginning to end.
Then the show became the star making vehicle for mediocre "actress" Mariska Hargitay. Every week now we're treated to her wooden acting and Olivia's constant whining. "I'm the product of rape! I have a political opinion and I'm going to shove it down your throat! I'm going to cry over nothing! I'm going to be kissed by a woman!" Hargitay has so little acting talent she makes Paris Hilton look like Merle Streep. Yet every week we have to see her character poach a case from the far superior Finn or Munch, then we're have to put up with The Benson & Stabler Prime Time Whining Hour. If it's not Olivia whining, then it's Stabler and his unnecessary family problems. Munch and Finn whom have much more chemistry and Richard Belzer & Ice-T have a ton more acting talent then Hargitay, get shoved to just next to non-speaking extras.
Of course Christopher Meloni's acting is not all that stellar either. Though he did improve when partnered with better actors and actresses.
Perhaps if the producers get their heads out of their tuchuses and fired the talentless Hargitay the show would improve. They also need to stop with shoving their political opinions down the viewers throats. But mostly fire the wooden Hargitay and make more Munch & Finn centric episodes. Also a few Cragen centric.
Class of 3000 (2006)
Miserable Failure
In his interviews Mr. "3000" suggests he wants the cartoon's so-called "music" to be listenable outside of the episodes. That he wants a "mish-mash of kids" to show all types.
What he has instead is boring, repetitive - things - that doesn't even begin to qualify as real music. Nails on a chalkboard has more musical quality then what passed for "music" on this tired cartoon.
As for the kids, they're such heavy stereotypes - from the over-talkative white blond girl to the overweight and tough black girl - that one could see them as verging on racist.
One can only hope this cartoon is swiftly put to sleep.
Love Actually (2003)
Love IS All Around
Love Actually is the kind of movie we all need to see once in awhile. Actual, realistic love stories. From Hugh Grant's chubby woman loving Prime Minister character to Alan Rickman's (almost) cheating husband. The only thing that the movie could do without is the porn body stand in love story. (To make room for more Alan Rickman.) Possibly the best story though is about the little boy who's recently lost his mom and with the help of his step-father sets out to win the heart of a little American girl in his school who has the same first name as his mother.
Love Actually is sweet, well written, and wonderfully acted. Everyone should see it.
And Alan Rickman's name should be on the main list of credited characters as he was the most important part of the movie.
Out to Sea (1997)
Light Hearted Romantic Comedy
Movies aren't always suppose to be about deep, provolking thoughts. Sometimes they're simply meant to be escapes from reality. Out To Sea fits the bill perfectly.
A light hearted "golden years" romantic comedy, Out To Sea may not be big budget, you might be able to easily tell when they were acting in front of a green screen, but it's still very much a movie worth watching. A sweet movie that needs to be given a break.
This is just good, light hearted fun. It's not meant to be a deep movie. It's something worth watching. If for nothing else, you must see it for Brent Spiner's humorously stiff and uptight rendition of Oye Como Va. Gil is a character you love to hate and Mr. Spiner pulls off the perfect evil comic foil to two beloved comedy movie gods.
Van Helsing (2004)
Good, mindless fun.
Van Helsing has gotten an unfair shake. It's not as bad as people say. Yes, it's a little light on plot and twists, but it's not meant to be one of those deep thinking movies. Van Helsing is more like - a cheap romance novel. Meant to be sorbet for the mind. Something to refresh your mind when you've watched too many deep minded movies. You don't have to over-think Van Helsing and that's what makes it a good movie to watch. People need to give this movie a break. Just sit back, watch, and try not to think. Enjoy a good, mindless adventure and you'll find yourself ready for a deeper, more thought provoking movie afterwards.
Really, give Van Helsing a chance. You might find yourself pleasantly surprised.