Reviews

Let's take a break from the big screen in your living room and imagine a little film of your own: A meeting. Directors, producers, writers, possibly some interested actors, all seated around a table. A burly man-in-charge glares fiercely at his underlings as they all scribble furiously, shuffle papers, and try not to meet his eyes. "A plot," he suddenly shouts. "We need a plot! Something original! Clever! Innovative! You!" he cries, pointing at a suddenly pale lackey. "Give me a plot!" The lackey shakes, his pen dropping from his suddenly lax fingers, and after a long, painful pause, whispers, "How about...She's All That? But with the roles...switched?" There is no other explanation for this movie.

Only an overeducated, money-obsessed, scared-out-his-wits idiot could have thought of this. Ms. Popular beautifies a Mr. Loser, for her own gain, thus catapulting him into popularity? No other possible explanation.

It is only out of pity for the poor lackey that I do ask you to RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! AVOID AT ALL COST! Should a desperate man in a rumpled suit offer YOU money to watch this movie, TURN HIM DOWN! Then again, screw pity. Follow my advice, for your own good.

Meet the Mr. Incredible, a superhero in a world where superheroes saving the world used to be a public, ordinary part of everyone's day. Flash forward fifteen years to Bob Parr--the same man, but now a superhero forced to stay in disguise due to the public uproar over his acts of heroism--who said saving humanity would be pricey? Bob may not be in the papers any more, but he's still out there, doing his best to make people's lives a little easier--as an insurance salesman. He comes home to his wife (ex-hero Elastigirl) and his three children--Dash (who can run at hyperspeed), Violet (who can become invisible and create force-fields), and the youngest, a baby who has the most remarkable power of all--that you'll have to see the movie to figure out.

To the outside world, they're a regular, all-American family. But unbeknownst to their neighbors, co-workers, and friends--they're The Incredibles. And they're here to save the day.

I am pleased to say that, for once, a movie was exactly as it appeared.

One cannot help but be apprehensive when told the plot. A movie about an ancient vampire going rogue and becoming a rock star, well, that's right up there with "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes." The fact that Aaliyah would be playing the title role was not comforting, nor were the previews, which showed extended shots of Aaliyah eating a still-beating heart. And still I pushed aside my doubts, reminded myself that "Interview with the Vampire" hadn't been too bad, and forked over the five dollars for a ticket to "Queen of the Damned."

I was surprised not to be surprised.

"Queen of the Damned" is exactly what it sounds like--a group of pretty actors and actresses (and singers) vying for the position of most ridiculous role. Whether it's Stuart Townsend's laughable portrayal of the dangerous Lestat (who, I had thought, was supposed to be French--I suppose one must disregard Townsend's lisping, almost Germanic attempt at an accent) or Marguerite Moreau's bland performance as the enigmatic Jesse, watching this movie was rather like watching a train crash. It's violent and painful, but you just can't look away.

The hardest part about writing this review is looking at the ratings, and finding that the lowest one possible is a "1."

The Interview with the Vampire proved to be a movie of almosts.

The plot was almost fascinating. Even the poorest actors and directors would not be able to completely kill Anne Rice's writing. Vampires are always exciting, and Rice's sensual killers...even more so.

The acting was almost engaging. Brad Pitt was surprisingly suited to play the role of the morally-ambiguous Louis, and managed to pull of an acting job that belied his pretty boy reputation. Of course, he might have only seemed impressive when put beside his costar Tom Cruise, whose performance served only to cement his role as a pretty face with a gaping lack of talent. Antonio Banderas was also stunningly ill-suited to play the role of the ancient vampire Armand. (Of course, I may have only been distracted by his ankle-length hair. If so, then I can hardly be blamed.) while Kirsten Dunst gave a remarkable performance as the child vampire Claudia. Her death almost brought a tear to my eye. Almost.

All in all, the movie was a fascinating waste of time. Although the cast was certainly drool-worthy, the film walked the thin line between a welcome success and a dull failure, and all-too-often stumbled. It was ridiculously overdone--almost. It was decadently vicious--almost. It would be a waste of time to watch again--that's a certainty.