Reviews

At the start of this movie, Steve Guttenberg is fat, bald, pale and cancer-ridden. It's funny because by the end of this movie I kinda wished I was dead of cancer. If you don't know what this movie is about, thank god. IF YOU MUST know, its about the Gute fixing himself up with the help of Diane from Cheers to woo Jamie Gertz of all people. If you are going to go through that much trouble, at least get a HOT chick. And I don't know how many times I saw Steve promoting this movie telling the story about how when he was just walking around as himself, no one payed any attention to him, but once he looked like Lorenzo lamas, all the girls were like "Hey Mr. S!" Wow! So you are attracted to girls who talk like Fonzie? Great, good to know Steve. OK, so he goes through the whole routine, she falls for Lobo (which is THE dumbest name!) and then guess what? She finds out its him! Did you see that coming? if not you are a dense piece of dung. Do me a favor. Look at all the people's comments, and find people who liked this movie. Then, report them to the complete asshole police. These are the people in High School who took Gym to seriously or the assholes who have no respect for a line or the guy who can't fold his paper on the Subway. OK. To sum up, avoid this movie. If you want good Guttenberg, keep dreaming, I can't think of one.

I have no idea what the budget on this movie was, but whatever it was they made it work! I have seen movies that spend 100x the amount (Pearl Harbor anyone?) and sucked 200x worse. This movie has everything. David "Makin' It" Naughton in the lead role as Adam, an average college student who gets wrapped up in a game called the Great AllNighter" run by Leon! This guy rocks! A "genius" with nothing better to do than come up with an elaborate game for a bunch of people to play. But he doesn't just pick his friends. He has a team of Jocks, nerds, fatties, average kids and of course, Flounder's team who are the "bad guys". But this movie has no black and white. There are many shades of gray. Adam is not the altruistic hero with no faults. He treats Alex P. like crap. AND Flounder is the way he is because of pressures from his Dad and a cranky stomach. The jocks play dirty, but so does everyone else! This movie rocks! The scene at the PBR factory? Classic! "Johnny's Obese Male Child?" Can you write a better clue? This stuff is gold Jerry! GOLD! Maybe I am from a different generation, but I love movies that seem far-fetched but still have roots in reality. This never happened...but it could. Eeeee-Gypt.... EEEE....Easter Bunny....Easter Parade! Oh and watch for a young Paul Rubens still working on that Pee wee character. PS That Devra Clinger WAS/is HOT! She must have been one bad actress not to work in Hollywood anymore. SEE THIS MOVIE!

Well, if it wasn't this did it. Kirstie Ally (before she became the fattest pig in Hollywood) and Dan Fielding buy a house that nearly bankrupts them. Already this movie sucks. But I'll keep going as there is a ten line minimum. MAYBE this movie could have been good if the cast wasn't such g-listers. Imagine if Ben Stiller played this for laughs. Oh wait...Duplex sucked too. OK. Never mind. But seriously, that cat gag got old the first time it happened. After the fourth I wanted to slit my wrists. And not the "cry for help" horizontal way, but the vertical "I'm looking to drain this sucker and die quickly" way. The top comment says non-stop laughs. ON what planet? Planet unfunny? WORTH WATCHING again and again. Are you a masochist? I hope you have grown a brain since then Barry, because if not, the ironic torture dept. of hell is gonna have a field day on you. After the 9th time you watch this you will be begging for Ernest takes A Poo or Mary Kate and Ashley's Adventure at The Tire Store.

Thats right kid! I can't! Firstly, WHAT WERE you thinking Frank Miller? You can write! How much did they pay you and was there an extra bonus if you made it crappy? Because i know you can write. And yet, Robocop 2 is, for lack of a better term, a steaming pile of armadillo dung. Robocop is under the control of an evil corporation, (You down with OCP?) and he must fight his programming and find the man within. Sounds OK. Nope. Don't forget to add a 11-year-old bad guy (Can't shoot a kid can you f-er?), a bunch of other ancillary characters no one cares about, and a second, crappier version of Robocop which the special effects manage to make look so fake you wouldn't be surprised seeing a large child come into the frame and start playing with it. Oh did I mention they use a drug-addicted ex-con (who also played the bad guy in The Last Action hero so you KNOW he's good!) to be the second project? WHY? Ask Frank cause any rational person would say this was a bad idea. Makes me long for the day when Red Forman was shooting holes in Robocop. Can You believe they made 3????? After this sludge? Now someone somewhere said "Irvin directed the follow up to another extremely successful franchise (see EMPIRE STRIKES BACK?) why not hire him for this one?" I've watched Empire, I bought the Empire trading cards, this movie couldn't hold Empire's wang while it urinated. That's how bad it is! TRUST ME! This movie is worse than most root canals.

Curly had a twin brother? Really? And he is just as surly? Wow! Well, let's make a great sequel. OR NOT. Bruno was smart. They asked him back, he probably read the script and said something to the effect of "No way! Never! Not for all the money in Paris Hilton's Yochee!" And seeing it, it's no wonder Jon Lovitz did it. This is the same guy who starred with Teri Garr WAY past her Mr. Mom days. Remember all the things you loved about the first one? They are here in a perverted unfunny way. I don't mean perverted in the touching little boys sense, but in the sense they are taking something good and molesting it. City Slickers isn't a classic, its cute but sappy and melodramatic at times. The second one just plain blows. It gets on it's knees and starts bobbing like a trained seal. While the first one was about a search for one's self, the second one was about money. And that ending? Incredibly dumb. I wish I could go back in time and sabotage this movie. Burn the sets, kill minor actors. If you are someone who enjoys watching this, drink heavily. You got nothing going for you.

I was excited for this movie when it was coming out. I even saw it in the theater when it came out. Big mistake. HUGE! I should have waited for all the negative reviews to come pouring in. Ferris Bueller is in this movie, but that doesn't save it. Hank Azaria can't save it! The special effects couldn't save it. Jean Reno didn't even need to be in it! The monster looks faker than the old-school "man-in-suit" version. Somewhere in the middle of this movie it turns into Jurrasic Park in Madison Square Garden. Now MSG does not have the greatest rep. I mean the Rangers suck so bad they haven't made the playoffs in 7 seasons! But still... No need to disgrace the place with this garbage! Poo on a stick. I would criticize the plot but there was no plot. Big monster comes to NYC and thrashes it. What is with this new trend in movies where NYC get trashed? Why not Memphis or Atlanta? Why is it always MY beloved city? Think about it. All those meteor movies, disaster movies, etc. Its always the Empire State building falling or Grand Central burning up. Enough! Godzilla should be trashing Tokyo! OK, so if you don't believe me, go watch it. Go ahead... I'll wait... ...Done yet? OK. Was I right? It sucked? I TOLD YOU! Oh well. Next time listen to me.

OK, the ending of the first film did (sort-of) leave the door open for a sequel. That being said, it was more of a joke. I know, it was a hit and all, but couldn't they just make the dead person someone else? Now before you freak out and say "Replace Terry Keiser???? Are you crazy???" Just listen. Bernie is DEAD! Long dead! It doesn't take a Sri Lanken fisherman to tell you the body get bloated and rots! Right away! Anyone ever heard of riga-mortis???? That stiffening that happens when you die? OK..... They COULD have made our two heroes visit Bernie's twin brother Ernie to tell him what happened. Ernie dies and for some reason they have to cart around HIS corpse. BUT NO.... Now they break Bernie out of the morgue. But Bernie is on the move thanks to some Voodoo curse that makes him dance around when he hears music. Oh the humanity. Whoever wrote this garbage was on some serious drugs and whoever green-lit it was on more. Now we know, corpse humor can be VERY funny, the first movie proved that. I actually would give the first one a 7. This one however is in one country and will live there forever. Hopefully it will die there. If you have made it this far into my review, bless you. You have way more free time than I do, and that is saying something. Bottom line. This Movie sucks donkey pp.

7! For Patch Adams! NEVER! Even if I were Robin William's son (and needed him to make more money for my herpes that he gave me) I STILL would give this movie a ONE! OK people, brace yourselves... WHEN Robin Williams does that whole stream-of-consciousness thing he does, it sucks. He is only (rarely) funny when he can be tempered by a good director (see Fisher King NOT Ben Damon movie). But when he is allowed to "explore" HE SUCKS! ANd Patch Adams proves it! Its full of "Laughs" and "tears" with so much sentimental schmaltz, it almost makes you vomit. Literally, puke up your twizzlers. It is now my mission in life to find all the people who give these movies 10's! See, I gave it a one, but someone must have given this movie a 10 to counter my one. I would expound but I'm too annoyed! SEVEN! You people should be shot! Terrible Stuff!

First of all, if you are even THINKING of watching this movie, STOP! Don't. I just did you a HUGE favor. You might have just started watching it, or )god forbid) PLAN on watching it tonight, but just don't, STOP! NO this is not a telegram, I am trying to emphasize what a waste of time this movie actually is. Everything that is wrong with movies is in this one. Cliché after tired cliché. There might be some people who say, "If you are a fan of Jennifer Aniston or Paul Rudd, it makes the movie watchable." WRONG! Whammy! Trust me, there is nothing about this movie that makes it worth watching. The fact that not just one person, but a whole slew of them green lit this project with this script. Who read this and said "Yes I believe this would happen. A gay guy is living with a woman and is going to be the 'father' of her child. But not biologically, and then oh wait, just to prove we are Big PC cool guys we'll make Aniston end up with a black cop! But just so we don't offend the red states, lets make the father involved in the end somehow, ensuring this child will have the MOST difficult upbringing ever." Imagine being that kid on the playground. "My OTHER daddies aren't gay!" Did A.W.E.S.O.M.-O come up with this? You want some spoilers now? Jennifer Aniston and everyone live happily ever after! Anyway I managed to sum up my hate in less than 1,000 words! Anyone who says this movie is even "worth watching" has their head WAY up their own ass. They are the kind of person who like Paris Hilton and Oprah's Book Club. Rock em Sock em Robots!

OK, I like Tim Burton. I did NOT like what he did with Batman, but Edward Scissorhands, Nightmare Before Christmas and of course Beetlejuice, were friggin great. But as Sleepy Hollow taught us, Tim Burton can make a stinker! And guess what? You found another one. Even if (Especially if) you are a fan of the original starring the NRA's Heston, you will hate this movie. All the good actors are dressed like monkeys, so good luck taking them seriously. Then there is Marky Mark. Fortunately he left the funky bunch out of this one. He is good when he plays an idiot being sucked into the porn industry, he is bad as action star. He just is. Rent The Italian hand Job and you will know what I am talking about. He is just not SMART enough to be an astronaut or thief. He is more.... Dirk Diggler. Perfect role. Anyway, if you had to watch this crap (airplane or someone who said its SOOO good) you know that it only gets worse. If you catch the beginning and think, maybe it will pick up, those monkeys look cool. WRONG! Here is a spoiler for you, that part at the end when the monkey saves Marky, is the most contrived predictable piece of doody I have ever seen. Collective groan at the end.

Poor Christopher Reeve. Talk about a hard life! But I'm sure if you asked him, (Through Jon Edwards of course) he would tell you his greatest regret was not mounting a horse on that hot, hazy memorial day in 1995, but making this film. It actually had me longing for the days of Richard Pryor and a crazy computer who eats people and makes them into robots. Yes this movie sucks. Lets go down the Sucky checklist, shall we? Superman trying to rid the world of nuclear weapons? Check. Lex Luthor and no Otis? check Crappy villain with stupid weakness (and for no reason Gene Hackman's voice)? check Jon Cryer? check No lois? check A stupid kid who couldn't out-act Vin Diesel? check OK... so now we have all our ingredients.. try making your own crappy movie!

OK, imagine you are allergic to cats. Pretty common allergy. But so bad that if came into contact with one, you would die. Now imagine Earth sponsored an invasion of another planet that was made up of 75% cats. Would you go? OF COURSE NOT! And that is why Signs sucks. If the Aliens had any brains in their heads, (and clearly they do..lets see YOU fly through space smart guy) Then clearly they would have done some scouting... which they did...hence the signs. So they see a place with massive oceans, lakes, rivers, inlets, you name it and they say. "Yeah, I want to live THERE!" In Aliens, Ripley needed a big ass armor suit to fight the aliens, M. Night Crapheads version, all you need is a Louisville Slugger and a faucet. So why do people like this movie???? WHY????? Mel Gibson? I bet HE even hates it. The water thing is not the only reason this movie sucks, but its the biggest. Looking for clever ways to spend your time? Go get David Cross's new album! Its funny despite what the title would have you believe

And not in the "Oh my ship is moving" meaning of the word. This movie gets down on two knees and starts sucking. Right from the get-go! OK, first, I hate M. Night sham-sha-not gonna work here anymore. He is a HACK in the worst way. (Red is not a clever device it is a color.) OK That being said, The Sixth Sense was at least watchable. This snooze fest is an insult to every comic-reader, train conductor, cripple, security guard and super-hero. None would want to actually see this movie. Unwatchable is more like it. Bruce Willis acts like he took too much NyQuil and is sleepy, and Sam Jackson just showed up and limped. I don't know how long this garbage is, but if you think you are in for a big PAYOFF/REVEAL at the end, you are wrong! There are 4 characters in the stupid movie. Guess which one is the bad guy? I'd like to talk to M. privately please... thank you. M. (if that is your REAL NAME!), How do I say this, YOU SUCK and all your movies suck. I don't know what kind of deal you made with who, but people clearly like your garbage. Good work. You managed to make it with no real talent. I realize people like Paris Hilton do this every day, but you are unique. In a profession that requires talent, you made it! And I hate you more for it. I hope you decide to kill yourself. PS The stupid stunt you pulled for that new crappy movie of yours, was even dumber than your crappy movies. You suck. pps. If the movie was ANY GOOD, you wouldn't need stupid stunts. you suck SO if you liked this movie, get your head out of your ass and go rent something good like Shawshank Redemtion or even Porky's

I know I know. You are a big fan of the first four films and you are wondering, how can 5 be THAT bad. OK, maybe that is not you, but if you have seen the first four, you know why this one sucks. Let me back peddle a minute here. One is funny in that 80's niche movie kinda way. IN NO WAY did it merit a sequel. Did anyone, as the credits were rolling on 1, say "Man, but what happened to Mahoney? When will I get that High Tower/Harris match-up?" Let me answer my own question... NO. But 2 didn't suck either. It was fresh and had some new joke potential. The third one is a CARBON COPY of the first one. Almost scene for scene. Don't believe me? Check out the FIRST scene. OK enough already! Let rip 5 apart! YOU KNOW YOUR MOVIE SUCKS WHEN..... Steve Guttenberg turns you down! This guy did an Olsen Twins movie! And no, he was not HOT in 1988. He was NOT. So they get Llyod Braun to fill his shoes? He blows chunks. So, if you want to see Proctor screw things up for the umpteenth time, by all means, waste your time watching this movie! I did! That Michael Winslow cracks me up...