James_Storm34's Reviews

Snapped (2005 Video)

1/10

16 June 2005

Well this film is definitely an experience I will give it that, yes definitely an experience, probably the worst experience of my life!!! Where to start on this pile of dump? OK the film begins and it becomes blatantly obvious that not a single person in this thing has had an acting lesson in their lives, this is terrible and possibly the worst film I have seen, and believe me I have seen plenty of garbage and this is up there with the best of them. It makes Nikos the Impaler look like a damn Oscar winner. Also apparent in this film is that the director had absolutely no idea what he was doing and was probably smacked up off his tits when he made it.

The way a low budget film usually works is usually that its so bad that its actually good, the acting is bad, the story is bad but its made and made so badly its entertaining. Snapped on the other hand is made badly, so badly yet it tries to be serious and in this department fails on every level. If your gonna try and make a serious film with a serious story and pull it off at least hire some people that can seriously act, otherwise get the hell away from the idea. Honestly it would of been more enjoyable spending an hour and 20 minutes getting booted in the knackers by a donkey.

Anyone who thinks of watching this, I beg you to just think it over properly and I advise you against it strongly. The film should come with a do not operate heavy machinery while watching this warning. However if you do watch this and make it all the way through like I did then you are seriously hardcore. I had to suffer this rectal waste of a production, you shouldn't.... stay away!

I give this film a... GIANT STEAMING PILE OF CRAP/10

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House of Wax (2005)

3/10

MASSIVE ablution!

26 May 2005

OK so I had read mixed reviews about this movie but decided I would give it a go. Hey even if it is badly acted etc.... Who cares right its a slasher flick and there is rarely one with a great script, its all about the jumps and scares along the way, add a few gruesome death scenes and hey presto! Yes however House of wax didn't really deliver anything for me. There was nothing new or innovative about this at all, it started way to slow, and I was left there wondering if anything was ever gonna kick off. Finally it does, a few death scenes later, all of which have been done before, well with the exception of 1, and we are done. Absolute dirt, there weren't even any jumps or scares along the way, it was just to predictable and did I mention CRAP! It was just Texas chainsaw massacre with a load of wax dumped in and thats about your lot. As a movie I was expecting to be jumpy and quite tense it turned out to be a BIG letdown. I would say watch this movie but don't expect anything new from it and don't expect it to be as good as other slasher stuff out there, some people will like it but I just thought it was a waste of time.

I rate this movie, in fact forget it I don't rate the muck at all!

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Creep (I) (2004)

2/10

Creep? maybe if the ee's were substituted for an a... then we'd be in business

2 February 2005

Warning: Spoilers

I had high hopes for this film, I had seen the trailers for it and thought it would be worth a viewing. Maybe I think too much sometimes!

The film starts fairly normally, a quick death at the beginning as do many of these films and soon after we encounter the subway. Now the main character Kate is awaiting a train in the subway, the last train I might add but unfortunately she falls asleep and misses it.... Now maybe I'm being a little picky here but how in thee blue hell can u sleep in a subway station as a train comes by and screeches to a halt as you wait? Now I am a deep sleeper and I think that would wake me up no problems, the only assumption I can make is she has hearing problems.....

Anyway back to the film... So she has now awoken and is locked in the station, never a good situation. This is where it all kicks off, I won't go into detail but its the usual story, killer on the loose, people being killed and Kate being stalked throughout by a unknown assailant.

So a few deaths later and a bit more stalking he finally catches up with her and we finally see the killer in what is actually a good scene finally.

He is basically a deformed guy who isn't playing with a full deck. Now later on we see a surgery which is in the subway, where it seems there were certain things going on that shouldn't have been and this guy is seemingly 1 of these test subjects. All is explained, apart from the fact that there is an operating theatre in a subway? Ahh well I suppose its as good as the next place why not have it in a subway....

So the chasing continues, we get to the end where the killer is finally stopped by a metal hook to the throat which is attached to a chain that is then thrown in front of a train and tears half the killers throat off. now maybe I am being a bit dumb here but half of his neck is now missing however he still manages to make his screechy noises? This guy is hardcore and must have 2 sets of vocal chords... He must of anticipated this very move and decided during his many surgeries to have a second set of vocal chords transplanted in this foot! Anyway the film ends with Kate sitting in the subway station.

Well the entire film was about as entertaining.... In fact forget it, it wasn't entertaining. Granted I have seen a lot worse but it was't worth the time I had to waste to watch it. The effects in the film were bang on I thought but blood flying all over the place doesn't make a film worth watching. There just wasn't enough in there to make it interesting, apart from the setting there was no difference between this film and any other slasher movie. I wouldn't say don't watch this film, but just don't expect it to be a classic, it's far from it.

I'd give this movie a.. Nothing new at all/10

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Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002 Video)

1/10

this movie really is a Killjoy..

18 January 2005

I really don't know why I agreed to watch this movie, but like a complete fool I did and for that I deserve to be shot! I had seen the original Killjoy, well I say I have seen it.... I started watching it but found it that bad that I ended up watching it in 4x speed to get it over with and get rid of the annoying dialogue, but I said I would watch it and I did even if it was in 4x speed.

To cut a long story short Killjoy 2 kicks off where Killjoy left off. By this i don't mean the plot, I mean the complete and total bag of dirt known as acting and cheapness. I have nothing against low budget movies, in fact I kinda enjoy them, they are something different from Mega budget blockbusters, but this film is just terrible! The acting is diabolical and the script... well i think you could of given Stevie Wonder a pen and paper, and he would of produced something much better! This movie is just annoying, not to mention the annoying laugh the clown has which is so obviously dubbed! I didn't make it through this movie anyway, about three quarters of the way through it was time to turn it off and throw it through the window. It may of been a rip off to buy as a DVD but as a frisbee it was a mega bargain!

Please for the love of mankind itself DO NOT watch this muck, it is possibly the worst thing I have ever seen and considering some of the muck I've seen thats saying a lot!

My rating on this movie would be.... Nailgun to the head/10

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Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding (2003 TV Movie)

3/10

cheese fest as only Baywatch can....

17 January 2005

I watched this movie for a bit of a laugh plus it had the Hoff in it and lets face it after Knightrider the Hoff is one cool dude! (I'll let u decide whether or not I'm being sarcastic there, on one hand I could be but on the other the truth is I may be a MASSIVE Hoff fan but won't admit it.) Anyway this tale is in usual Baywatch style, bad acting, bad story, bad script. Basically its just bad, but I have to think for something to be so bad then logically it must be good? I don't know but I found it pretty entertaining just for the fact that it was that bad! Most of the original Baywatch cast are in this one including Pamela Anderson who's acting is pretty much as fake as her chest, but we don't mind that, once again its Baywatch, it supposed to be muck.

Overall I would say if you are a fan of Baywatch then you will enjoy this movie and should definitely watch it. If you aren't a fan however then I would still suggest you watch it because it really is a bad movie, but because of that it's entertaining and fun so give it a go.

This movie deserves a.... So Bad its Good/10

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Blade: Trinity (2004)

2/10

oh dear.....

14 January 2005

I watched this film after hearing very bad things about it but thought I would give it the benefit of the doubt as the other 2 films in the blade series were fairly entertaining, not special but not bad either.

So about half an hour into this movie I realised that all the bad things i had heard were right, but I decided to stick with it anyway.

Certain things about this movie were just wrong. The plot was virtually non existent, don't get me wrong there was a plot a very dodgy one, which has been done in different ways before. However the film seemed to focus more on mindless slow motion up close action/battle scenes than on the story.

Before I watched this film I was expecting the usual cheesy lines and actions that you normally get during one of these films but when Abi Whistler decides to use an iPod while going into battle, I was left speechless. I mean what was that all about? MASSIVE Idiot! Also when "bad ass" Blade says Koochy Koochy Koo to a baby well I dunno what all that was about either but it just didn't fit in at all.

Well i almost got through this movie but during the last 10 minutes I fell asleep and missed the end, being tired probably did me a favour really as those last 10 minutes of my life went on something useful like sleep and not the bag of dirt known as Blade Trinity.

1 last thing I will say is if you haven't yet seen this movie and are planning on watching it in the near future.... unlucky! I wouldn't say don't watch it (altho this would be wise,)but don't expect much either when you do, its terrible.

My mark for this would be Dog Dirt/10!

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