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Reviews
Darkness (2002)
Lights Flicker When Things Get Scary
:SPOILER: Lights Don't Work When Things Get Scary, But Carlos Is there...
Usually When I'm Looking Around A New House And I Find A Giant Snake Emblem Under My Hardwood Floors, I Just Kinda Keep It To Myself Also..
List Of Clichés: SPOILERS:
Old Music, Flickering Lights, Poor Lighting To Hide Faces, The Knowledge Guy Whom For Some Reason Can't Tell The Characters EVERYThing, But Just Enough To Scare The BeJesus Out Of Them, Moving Objects, Parents Disbelief, Moving INto A New home. This Might Be The Worse Movie Mother Of All Time..
Saying Freaking Instead of F***in Makes You Just As Lame As The Situation.. The PG13 Level Boobs Bouncing IN The Same halterTop All Movie is Terrible The Darkness Constantly Is Terrible The Mother is Unbelievably Stupid The Music Had Nothing To Do With The Movie The Boyfriend Was Stupid As Hell Her Willingness To Discover Things On Her Own Were Stupid The Father Going Crazy Was Like "OOOOOK" No Connection With Anyone In The Movie All Characters Were Clowns
And Then Of Course Pour In The Whys
Why Did The Grandfather Kidnap Her Tell Her The Story Then Let Her Go? Why Didn't She Scream before He Tied Her Mouth? Why Did The Boyfriend Walk In So Unknowingly After He Found Out The Grandfather Knew Something? Why Didn't The Mother See The Snake Emblem?
Scary or Die (2012)
THE Mexican CLOWN MAN
:SPOILER: Hillybilly Zombies, Asian Business Associates And A Mexican Clown Birthday Party.
I'm Pretty Sure The Movie Budget Was 6 Coronas And A Free taco Bell Meal. The Director Prolly Found The Mask, Made it The Cover then Smoked Large Amounts Of Angel Dust. This Isn't Horror, This Isn't Comedy, This Is Cruel And Unusual Torture. Pretty Sure They Show This Movie To Men In Prison When They Get Put in The Hole. I've Never Seen Anything this Bad, Director Had A Mid Life Crisis.
I Have No clue What Happened Or Why, And Never Cared.. only Thing That Kept The Movie Running Was Sheer Curiosity... I Thought I Was being Punked.
A Night in the Woods (2011)
We Camping... Oh Nooooooo Things Getting Weird Now.
:SPOILER: NOTHING HAPPENS Seriously 100$ To Whoever Can Tell Me What Happened In This Movie...
I'm Serious...
:SPOILER: Oh Look, The Guy Walked Off... He Ain't Back yet Entire Movie Makes You Hate Leo, Whom is Obviously Involved With The Girl... Then.... Well Thats It.. The Movie Ends bro.
:SPOILER: Oh Snap... Its Got Night Vision, We Gon Run Thru The Woods Now :SPOILER: Ahhhhhh He's Chasing Us And I think its Like a Witch Or Something Take The Blair Witch Project, Take Away Any Suspense, Take Away Any Character Development, take Away Any Plot, Don't Explain What Your Looking For, Add Some Scenes About The Past We Don't Care About, Bring Us To A Point Where You MUST Explain, Then :SPOLIER: Its Night Time.. And There You Have A Night In The Woods... More Like 10 Minutes In The Woods And A Buncha Creepy Kissing Cousin Stuff.
I Will Follow You Into the Dark (2012)
Yo.. I Think Its Like A Ghost Love Horror Fantasty ...Err.. Something!
SPOILER: THIS S*** Doesn't Make A Lick Of Sense... Literally Not One... Cut Scenes That Never Took Places, FlashBakcs We Can't Remember Cause.. Well, They Never Happened, And A Love Story That We Musta Missed Because Last Time I Checked She Was Ignoring Him For "2 Weeks" Without A Callback... Are You Serious?.. Like
:SPOLIER:
Did She Really Give a Eulogy At Her Father's Wake Cursing God?.. In A Church?.. Oh Word?.. That's Cool.. What Else Happens... A Buncha Flashbacks That Never Happened.. Oh Wait I Told You That, Surely There Must Be More To It... How Bout
:SPOLIER: The 6 Minutes That WEll, Let's Just Say I Was At The DMV For A Shorter Period Of Time Then The Entire Final Scene Took Place... And If Thats Not Enough...
:SPOLIER: The B**** Decided To Take A F***in Nap... That's Right... She Took A Nap In A Haunted Hotel, While Searching For Someone In What One Could Only Assume Was A Good 7 Minutes After Beginning The Search In The First Place... Wakes Up To Another Crazy B**** In The Tub And Decides... Your The Only Person Here I Can Trust.. Hold This Watch AND Wake Me up...
NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH My Ninja... Nah
Movie Is Based Solely On The Success Of Misha Barton.....'s Name
BIG NAME = Movie
F*** A Plot F*** Logic F*** Reason
Just Grab A Big Name And Some Fancy Flashlights And Your Good Bro.