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Reviews
Catwoman (2004)
Holy #$(@ Batman!
Note: I checked off the "spoiler thing" but just to let you know that this movie is pre-spoiled. Just like sour milk that has spilled down the back of the fridge and starts to reek really bad after a few days, this movie has the same results, but only takes 104 minutes to accomplish it!
Is this character supposed to be Selina Kyle from Batman? Since she has a different name, origin, setting, and surrounding characters, I have to make the logical assumption and say "no". So why then try to rip off the "Catwoman" name and do a wretched job at it? They should have named the film "Midnight Train to Feline Fine"...or "Halle Sissorhands"...
And COME ON when I see Alex Borstein on television I EXPECT her to do the Gap-troll skit from Mad-TV...No...I demand it! I can only assume they had to get Borstein because Rosie O'Donnell was busy making a DIFFERENT piece of crap.
Hated the characters (and this is a strong hate)...I liked Halle's "Costume" (hehe) but long hair looks better on her...the romantic subplot was needed I guess to fill in the remaining 76 minutes where nothing was happening...they really should have thought about expanding the "Deleted Scenes" section of the DVD.
Here are a few spoilers: 1 ...Picture a death scene, if you will...a cat enters stage left and gives CPR to the dying heroine...she is reborn...with supernatural cat powers (for some reason). 2 ...Bad Girl: "Game Over" Good Girl: "Its Overtime" 3 ...burglar surfing 4 ...Heroine grabs the bad guys tongue and says (get this) "Cat got your tongue?"...that's too funny...I never saw that coming 5 ...OK...now here is the biggest spoiler of all...its all about cosmetics. Thats it, thats the whole plot...now you can thank me for saving you 104 boob-less minutes
You know where Homer Simpson is watching Paint Your Wagons (Clint Eastwood/Lee Marvin) and he ejects the tape directly into the garbage can...thats what modern DVD players should come with...I could have used it for this movie...
Street Fighter (1994)
Best Part of the DVD was the Interactive Menus.
OK right from the start I'm watching the popgun scene and immediately thinking "Jackie Chan" and "Chris Tucker". A stupid scene that was contrived to introduce the Ryu and Ken characters. Now in every other media that I have seen regarding Street Fighter (the game, the anime, the comics) these characters are rather complicated and are normally handled with care. They really don't come off correctly as "goofballs". So I hated this interpretation of them. Van Damme was COMPLETELY miscast as Guile. With his accent there was no way he could have pulled it off. Guile's character is supposed to be the gung-ho all American G.I. Joe type. He doesn't even look like the video game character. They could have at least given him the big brush cut and the green fatigues. Sagat looked like an old man. Again...to the casting director...have you even looked at the video game character? He's freakin' huge. He's virtually all muscle. How can you miss things like that? Mr. Julia didn't fair much better, although I like him as an actor he just could not pull this off. Bison is a TOTAL psychopath, Julia gave it his best shot but really fell short. He doesn't particularly fill out the uniform either. The action was also too slow to do justice to the characters. Perhaps they should have thought about enhancing the speed. As for the other characters, I think there were just too many to build upon. I found it familiar to Mortal Kombat Annhilation where they were introducing SO many characters that it was hard to keep them straight. In summation, I didn't really care for ANY of the characters but Vega and Zangief were probably the best cast even though they were still misused.
Now as for the plot, I still really don't know what the plot was aside from Bison taking over the world. Bison was dressed up as Hugh Heffner in one scene...maybe that was the plot...hard to tell.
Things that stuck out: 1. Most of the extras were wearing red uniforms...how convenient 2. "The pilot...would have to be...out of his mind...". Come on, I'm no actor and I can deliver the line better than this. 3. Bat boat..."stealth mode detected"...hmmm not very stealthy 4. "This is the collection agency...your ass is six months overdue". Ouch...good line Van Damme...who wrote this little gem? 5. Took Chun Li 20 years to get this far? Wow, that is one long case. I probably would have given up after 5. And she's been allowed to expense things for that long? Must be a government job. 6. DNA mutagens? Anabolic Plasma? Sounds like good watching. 7. Prison escape? Classic. Always needed in a movie with weak characters and story and everything else. 8. "They will talk...or they will...die". 9. Incredible Hulk Paint...where do I get this?
American Ninja (1985)
Ninja dating movie
This is a great movie for first time ninjas who are dating. If you're trying to impress some cute little ninjette I would highly recommend playing this masterpiece. Its one of those special movies that allows you to miss large sections of it without interfering with the plot.
Also I was wondering, where does a Teal ninja hide? Are ninjas color coded like this? Is this normal? If I were attacked by one of these yellow or orange ninjas I would die of laughter before succumbing to his sword.
And I finished my black star ninja test the other day, it was multiple choice, It went pretty good. I found there were a lot of questions on how to "sneak" around and look evil. Its all about the eyebrows and the attitude.
Basically, the movie could have been better if: 1. There was no color coded ninjas (or the color coded ninjas could combine into a super ninja). 2. Joe died in the first two minutes and Patricia had to avenge him 3. Miscellaneous monkeys were scattered throughout the file 4. Patricia didn't talk and Patricia was replaced with another character 6. The French guy was also a black star ninja 7. Chris Tucker, Whoopi Golderg, and Chris Rock were added as "comic" relief 8. Ninja strengths came from miticlorians.