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Reviews
Rocky and His Friends: Missouri Mish Mash: Parts 17-18 (1962)
Those of us seeing wild ducks waddling . . .
, , , through our yards every now and then are prone to be on the lookout for good waterfowl recipes. Just as some of the neighbors around here are known for their squirrel stew, raccoon ribs or possum pot-luck, we all believe that it's always open season on trespassing turkeys, geese, peacocks and ducks. A few of us may draw the line at swans, owls, hawks or eagles, but such mean birds really are not designed for good eating, anyway. On the other hand, as THE UGLY ALMOND DUCKLING illustrates, many critters including cattle, chickens and pigs behave as if they're fully aware of their prime objectives: To become our lunch or supper. ALMOND DUCKLING depicts such creature behavior very accurately.
Rocky and His Friends: Missouri Mish Mash: Parts 15-16 (1962)
Maybe "the early bird actually DOES get the worm . . . "
. . . but is this really a desirable outcome? Many of us are more of night owls than early birds. I never heard of an owl so hard up for food that it had to resort to pecking worms, slugs, grubs, ants or spiders out of the ground and grass. My understanding is that owls dine on all sorts of tangy game meat; their slogan could be "We've got the meats!" at least in the avian universe. This Bullwinkle Show's entry for Aesop and son--THE ROBIN, THE PELICAN AND THE ANGLEWORM--does NOT feature a member of the owl clan. That's why most viewers will find this film to be in very poor taste. As Mr. Dunn wrote, "Ask not for whom the worm turns: it peels for you."
Rocky and His Friends: Missouri Mish Mash: Parts 7-8 (1961)
"i'm rich! Now I can live in the manner . . . "
" . . . To which I'm unaccustomed," blurts the accidental recipient of a pirate's booty in gold. Speaking of swashbuckling derrieres, viewers of this spin on the Beauty and the Beast story will be reminded of what befalls the nameless old woman between chapters 11 and 20 of Voltaire's CANDIDE. At any rate, the beast here might as well be anonymous, since his frequently shown name plaque is continually misspelled. It's as if the crew took a time machine to the future, and hired Sade as a naming consultant. Regardless, the beast learns that all that glitters in the mirror is not gold, and that an ogre must gore the hand that feeds him.
Rocky and His Friends: Wailing Whale/Vagabond Voyage or The Castoffs Cast Off (1961)
The main problem with SNOW WHITE . . .
. . . MEETS RAPUNZEL is that Snow White NEVER meets Rapunzel. This is because Snow White's son, Prince John, is such a bird-brain. Raised as a coach tomato, John is all thumbs when it comes to fingers. No one who has wilted in the endless lines at Dizzy World can picture Snow White or any of the other clueless princesses changing a baby's diaper. Soiled undies have consequences, just like elections. When the unfortunate dude saddled with Snow White finally orders Prince John to find a more level-headed princess than his mom, John stumbles across Rapunzel. However, after the witch prunes Rapunzel's locks, John cannot figure out an alternate access route. Fortunately, Prince Charming is not stuck with a Dizzy princess for a mom.
The Dudley Do-Right Show: Mother Whiplash's Log Jam/Stolen Art Masterpieces/Mechanical Dudley (1959)
Not all Art is Equal.
This seems to be the message of Dudley Do-Right's STOLEN ART MASTERPIECES. "Newt descending a staircase" may well be stolen, but it certainly does not resemble an "art masterpiece." Even by Canadian standards, Fig Newton's slop of paint is more worthy of the trash bin than for public display on the wall of even a latrine. Speaking of garbage bins, it's too bad Newt never thought of doing something cutting edge, such as curating the trash barrels of a major city such as Montreal or Detroit, rescuing discarded drink containers having an affinity for each other, then meticulously cleaning them in the artist's kitchen sink, carefully arranging select compatible pieces in a large cardboard box--smaller boxes are in order for glass--writing detailed inventories of each box's contents with full descriptions of brand, volume, flavor, alcohol content--if any, container type, label colors and cap colors and then using heavy duty packing tape to seal everything safely together. This is the sort of artwork that great nations such as America produce.
Rocky and His Friends: Defective Story or A Muffled Report/Leaky Lyrics or Bullwinkle Plugs a Song (1961)
One of the more puzzling pieces of this episode . . .
. . . concerns its Broken Fairy Tale, whose subtitle seems difficult for anyone to get right. It is NOT "Tom Thumb." Nor is it "T-h-o-m Thumb." Actually, the correct heading is T-H-O-M T-U-M. This is intended to be a homonym for a percussion instrument, specifically a type of drum. The mud pie maker's gluttonous son is in the habit of pounding his full tummy in the fashion of a tom-tom. However, this magic boy's food receptacle is seldom full. He can engorge mountains of grub, and still have room for several deserts. His tale includes many twists and turns, with a surprise lurking around every mud puddle. Be careful you do not get splashed.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
I'm a little bit puzzled by the title of this . . .
. . . picture. The main character seems to be named "G-o-d-z-i-l-l-a X. Kong." That dude's Christian name is so outlandish that it is not even recognized by this site's spellchecker. Furthermore, the last name is not such an acceptable moniker, either. Other than Donkey Kong, who used to play for the Lions, how many Kong's are known to the average person? Not very many. Hong Kong doesn't really count, since that denotes a city in Asia--NOT an individual person. Finally, viewers are never informed as to what Kong's middle initial abbreviates. Here again the choices appear to be rather limited. There's Xavier, known mostly as a school with a basketball team. Beyond that, X-Ray is about the only other option, and linguists generally won't count that one.
Rocky and His Friends: Underwater Eyeball or The Deep Blue See/Underwater Moose or The Aqua-lunk (1961)
If I'm not mistaken, there's a 1939 version of . . .
. . . this Bullwinkle Show's "Fractured Fairy Tale" starring Shirley Temple. Fortunately, Bullwinkle's remake of THE LITTLE PRINCESS is a lot funnier than Shirley's foray, even though this briefer iteration packs in a lot more tears per minute than the earlier sob-fest feature film managed to manifest. The 1939 take on this story added a lot of plot padding to the essential tale, much of it totally extraneous and a huge strain on basic common sense. What kind of dad would turn into a poster boy for amnesia, with someone like Shirley back home depending upon him? However, the later diminutive Royal and her father face real problems of their own, that dwarf Ms. Temple's adventures with an ash can. If you want to save yourself an hour or two, THIS take on THE LITTLE PRINCESS should be your obvious choice.
Rocky and His Friends: Fun on the Freeway or The Quick and the Dead/Bullwinkle Makes a Movie or The Feature from Outer Space (1961)
If a princess has her heart set on a prince . . .
. . . it seems unlikely that she'd settle for a miner. Yet the lead title character of the broken fairy tale about THE PRINCES AND THE GOBLINS appears to be totally oblivious to the fact that the heir-apparent to the gobbling throne is totally smitten with her, and keeps throwing herself at the grimy coal extractor just because he tries to rhyme "violets" with "blue." What is causing this Royal Wrench to turn her back upon True Love? For one thing, the King Her Pops has waited way too long to instruct her in the ways of the Bees and the Birds. Secondly, he seems to have instilled strong anti-gobbling prejudices in the mind of his offspring. Finally, this dirt-obsessed dame seems to have a propensity to grovel in deep depressions.
Peabody's Improbable History: William Shakespeare (1961)
The focus of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE is necessarily . . .
, , , the constant Real Life thorn in Bill's side, the loathsome Frank Bacon. As chronicled here, Frankie was infamous for pulling off cruel and thoughtless pranks, no matter how many member of the General Public were likely to be endangered, maimed or mortally wounded by his reckless misconduct. As a Royal Toady, Frank led a seemingly charmed existence, careening through Life from one mishap to another, never held fully to account for the wanton mayhem he launched against the Social Order, merely to amuse his warped circle of acquaintance. Whether unleashing Big Cats of Prey during Bill's plays or trumping up bogus reasons for rigged duels, Bacon always was out to brain the bard. Frank's evil Core Supporters persisted like poison ivy for centuries, eventually concocting ludicrous conspiracy theories--all of which were laughed out of Court--that the totally untalented Frankie actually penned some or all of Bill's Masterworks! Only those who think that the demented Tory traitor Clem Moore wrote Yankee War Hero Hank Livingston's "Twas the Night before Christmas" would believe a fairy tale like that!
Rocky and His Friends: Last Angry Moose/A Punch in the Snoot or The Nose Tattoo (1961)
When Aesop was alive . . .
. . . no one had discovered Gravity. Furthermore, medical doctors knew very little about the physical make-up and capabilities of the human body, either. Since trains had yet to be invented, Ancients of Aesop's era has no idea about the massive weight of a locomotive and the cars it would be pulling along on future railroad tracks. This is why "Aesop and Son"--THE FOX AND THE WINKING HORSE will strike those of us living in this Our Modern 21st Century as being a little bit off kilter. Humans and horses cannot actually hop on their heads along the streets like so many inverted p-o-g-o sticks, as this would result in fatal neck fractures. The recently discovered Laws of Gravity forbid trains to take it into their engines to behave in this fashion as well. Parking meters, chewing gum ball dispenser machines and big wheel bikes are among the other anachronisms included during this poorly researched story.
The Dudley Do-Right Show: The Disloyal Canadians/Finding Gold/Stokey the Bear (1961)
There's more to mining than making sand castles . . .
, , , at the beach. FINDING GOLD teaches young viewers that all that glitters is not Fool's Goldfish. When Mr. Whiplash is foolish enough to mistake a hole in the sand for a mining tunnel, he winds up in the hoosegow, where such a clueless character belongs. Those of us who are descended from the diamond drill bit-guided underground shaft miners of the 1800's and 1900's, and who've inherited many pounds of narrow rock cylindrical "drill cores" probably have heard a fair share of family histories passed down through the generations of how disastrous it is to those hankering for an above-ground mining career when a survey core driller breaks off one of these diamond bits deep underground, beyond any chance of recovery. The ignorant Whiplash dwells in mining country, but has not learned the first lesson about FINDING GOLD.
Rocky and His Friends: Subway Finish, or An Underground Round/The Last Edition, or Five-Scar Final (1961)
Everyone loves a romance story blended . . .
. . . with one or more stalwart steeds in the foreground. This is, of course, one of the things that has made Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties--with Nell Fen-Wick's attraction for Dudley's Mount--so popular during the passing decades. This show's "Fractured Fairy Tale" continues in the tradition of Dudley and Nell. SPEEDING BEAUTY concerns a dude who spends a lot of time grooming a smart princess with a steady diet of apples, oats, hay and sugar cubes. Unfortunately, the latter portion of this menu results in the Heartbreak of Dental Carries, and pain-free equine dentistry was not readily at hand in Ye Olden Days, resulting in a lot of nagging.
Rocky and His Friends: When Moose Meets Moose, or Two's a Crowd/The Midnight Chew-Chew, or This Gum for Hire (1961)
Someone from the American Canine Club . . .
. . . should have been hired as a consultant for drawing the animated dogs appearing on The Bullwinkle Show. There frequently is a mismatch between the mutt called for in the script, and what actually appears on the screen. Take the Aesop and Son fable included within Season 2, Episode 41"s program, for instance. This segment is titled as THE HOUND AND THE WOLF. However, the only cur depicted clearly is met to resemble a sheepdog, which is the function it performs during Aesop's story. This shaggy dog certainly is NOT a hound. It's unlikely that Aesop is the cause of this confusion, as the American Canine Club did not exist when he wrote this fable.
Rocky and His Friends: Hop Skip and Junk, or Bullwinkle's Big Tow/Bucks for Boris, or The Green Paper Caper (1961)
If I'm not mistaken, this episode of . . .
. . . The Bullwinkle Show includes the THIRD "Fractured Fairy Tale" featuring Rumpelstiltskin. After debuting in his namesake segment, Rum returned in--naturally enough--RUMPELSTILTSKIN RETURNS. Now, in the third part of this triptych, SON OF RUMPELSTILTSKIN reveals that the title character is celebrating his 600th birthday and is so far gone in the throes of old-timer's malady that he cannot remember his own name. Obviously, any right-thinking person will view this development as being more tragic than humorous. Why would any entertainment outfit bend over backwards to filch the joy from beloved kids' stories?
The Dudley Do-Right Show: Elevenworth Prison/Saw Mill/Mountie Without a Horse (1959)
Cheerleaders often brag about their ability to . . .
. . . "do the splits," which by definition involves very close contact with the gymnasium floor--or, for high school football games, the surface of the all-weather track. During THE SAWMILL episode of the Dudley Do-Right Show, Nell Fen-Wick is threatened with doing this maneuver the hard way, that is in a vertical fashion rather than the traditional horizontal method sports fans have come to love and expect. Some cheerleaders tend to perform this function in a multi-stage progression, but Nell's impending division appears to loom more immediately, if two or three days can be considered rapid-fire. The Chicago Museum of Coal Mines used to display a lady sectioned much thinner than Nell's impending reduction in its stairwell, but this other female has probably been interred by now due to popular demand.
Peabody's Improbable History: John Holland (1961)
John Philip Holland is the title character of . . .
. . . an otherwise gripping Peabody's Improbable History chapter called, simply, JOHN HOLLAND. This picture teaches viewers that the Holland Tunnel connecting New York City to New Jersey is named after a John Holland. It turns out that John Hollands were a dime a dozen around New York back then, so leaving out the submarine dude's middle name of "Philip" could lead to potential confusion. However, a cursory check of the records indicate that J. P. Holland kicked the bucket BEFORE planning for the Holland Tunnel was finished. Furthermore, the under-the-river passage commemorates Clifford M. Holland, the tunnel's actual chief engineer, who suddenly expired prior to its completion, which came long after J. P. Holland's demise.
Rocky and His Friends: The Bank Busters, or The Great Vaults/Sweet Violence, or The Yegg and I (1961)
Shooting irons always have played a big role in . . .
. . . American Culture, and the Aesop and Son segment here titled THE FOX AND THE OWL attests to this fact. One of the title characters featured in this picture eradicates the other one with what looks to be a musket. The fact that this off-screen perforation proves fatal to its intended target is verified by the dude narrating this fable. Will young children heed this lesson to grab the nearest Peacemaker and serve as the sole judge, jury and executioner for any stray moocher happening by their domicile? Anyone looking at America's blasting statistics accumulated during the 65 or so years since the release of THE FOX AND THE OWL would be hard-pressed to argue that this is not the case.
Rocky and His Friends: Buried Treasure/A Tisket a Casket, or The Bury Box (1961)
Many viewers become confused about the fact that . .
. . . there is one "Fractured Fairy Tale" about THE ENCHANTED FROG, and a later one titled THE FROG PRINCE. In order to tell these apart, let's examine each in turn. During the earlier picture, a family of amphibians is minding their own business trying to enjoy life on a lily pad situated near the edge of an idyllic pond. Then the camera pulls back to reveal that their cherished home is smack dab in the middle of a future Super Fund Clean-Up Site, not unlike Love Canal. Because of this, one of the recent tadpoles ingests more than his share of artificial stimulants and terrorizes his mom and siblings by suddenly broadening out to human size. On the other hand, the later film simply involves a lot of incompetent witches casting errant spells.
Fractured Fairy Tales: The Enchanted Frog/The Pied Piper/The Magic Fish (1962)
For decades people have been wondering . . .
. . . if there's any difference between the broken fairy story about THE ENCHANTED FROG and THE FROG PRINCE. To compare these two pictures, it's possible that some plot points could be disclosed. THE ENCHANTED FROG seems to be in the Princess Sweepstakes running more for the exercise than for anything else, whereas THE FROG PRINCE initially could care less about the princess and is more eager to return to his diet of flies around the pond than anything else. The Princess is never transformed into a full-grown tadpole during THE ENCHANTED FROG. However, this is not the case when it comes to THE FROG PRINCE. The latter film also features a lot more witches than the earlier tale.
Rocky and His Friends: Explosive Situation or Don't Make It Worse-It's Badenov/You've Got Me in Stitches or Suture Self (1961)
There was a theatrically released animated feature . . .
. . . which came out maybe 10 or 11 years ago titled something such as TURBINE or TURBO. This particular flick had to do with racing snails. I think there were some tomatoes in it, as well. America was wondering at the time, "Where do they dredge up ideas for this sort of thing?" As it turns out, the plot for TORO is drawn from a segment of The Bullwinkle Show from the Winter of 1960-1961, called Aesop and Son: THE CENTIPEDE AND THE SNAIL. There may be a few slight, subtle cosmetic differences between TYRO and CENTIPEDE, as one would logically expect of the later film being padded out to plod along for 18 or 20 times the refreshing bevity of CENTIPEDE. But as Ginger "Snaps" Rogers always said, "When the shoes are on the other feet, stomp them all!"
Peabody's Improbable History: The French Foreign Legion (1961)
This picture on the Improbable History of . . .
. . . THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION leaves a few blanks. As Mr. Peabody documents, the Legion began as a horseshoe club. However, during its first incarnation under some dude named Napoleon, it formed the basis for a Russian invasion when the Czar disputed Nap's claim that he was the world's top horseshoe pro--finding himself not tall enough to excel at water polo, epee or tiddly winks. Napoleon became so irate that the Czar tossed twice as many ringers as himself, he abandoned hundreds of thousands of Legionnaires to starve or freeze to death in Russia. Trying to salvage some horseshoe honors, the Legion was revived a few decades later and slowly lost all French colonies to more talented horseshoe champs. The Vietnamese proved particularly proficient in ringing out the French with cold hard steel in 1954, seven years before Mr. Peabody ridicules them here.
Rocky and His Friends: Moose Gets the Juice or Mourning Becomes Electra-cuted/Episode 120 or 123 (1961)
The most intriguing aspect of this show . . .
. . . is the portion titled PRINCE DARLING. Of primary interest during Darling's five minutes of fame is when the sorceress turns him into a creature with the head of a lion, the horns of a bull, the feet of a wolf and the body of a snake. This, of course, constitutes a variation on the classic chimera, which consists of the head and body of a lion, a tail ending with a snake's fangs with a fire-breathing goat in the middle. PRINCE DARLING'S get-up is more practical than a Grecian chimera, as it includes usually concealed escape buttons which become apparent whenever some damsel claims to see some good in you. However, there's a concurrent danger of becoming ring wraiths here, but that's another story.
Rocky and His Friends: The Sand Blasters or Big Bang on the Beach/The Brave and the Boulder or To Each His Stone (1960)
This episode includes a bittersweet and . . .
. . . poignant segment titled THE OWL AND THE WOLF. This part of The Bullwinkle Show begins with Junior once again losing his red-headed crush to Butch Croesus, the popular bully boy in his class. Junior had just squandered two months of his allowance buying Valentine's Day chocolates for the fickle red-headed gal. Always one to make orange juice when Life gives him lemons, Junior is depicting chowing down upon all of his undelivered gifts, thus transferring decades of future dental carries from the heartless wench to himself. Touchingly, Aesop Senior is pictured comforting his bereft son with a pat on the head and telling him a tale called "Time heals all wounds."
Rocky and His Friends: Blood and Sand or Three for the Show/Bullwinkle's Landing or Moosle Beach (1960)
It's said that you cannot make a silk purse . . .
. . . out of.a souse' beer, but BEAUTY AND HER BEAST tries mighty hard to accomplish this impossible feat. A fractured fairy tale more shattered than most, many viewers will wonder whether they'd be better off investing 338 seconds on this BEAUTY, or slog through the 93-minute 1946 live-action marathon by director Jean C-word. Certainly this BEAUTY features more plot twists per minute than Jean's tedious attention span test. The acting is better here, thanks to a script that does not bog characters down with ludicrous wilted lingo. Better yet, the production design outshines the earlier off-shore version, leaving anyone with an ounce of Common Sense to second-guess those deluded few championing the bloated 1946 BEAST.