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The Lion King (1994)
Rip Off Cheap Dumb Movie!
The top 250 films of all time this apparently is? Well obviously a bunch of chimpanzee's must be deciding what films are featured on this list. The Lion King is a terrible film that is massively overrated. After watching it I felt I had seen the film before. The ideas were stolen from the films Tarzan and Ice Age! I couldn't believe the people who made this film had ripped off two other films and got away with it, an absolute disgrace!
There are some poor elements of the film: 1. Hyenas. Hyenas got a lot of bad press because of this film, thousands must have died since it's release. Anyone involved or who even bought or watched this film has the blood of innocent hyenas on their hands. 2. Animation. Very poor quality. We live in 2016, can we not get better technology now to produce better animations? 3. Jeremy Irons. Whilst not a bad actor, he is a complete hypocrite. There is a video where he actively speaks out against the death penalty. That's pretty funny Irons considering you acted the role of Scar and had no problem killing off your own brother Mufasa. Hypocrite much?
Poor film that is not worth viewing. Don't waste your time.
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Like the Original...Awful!
Having seen the awful Toy Story, (be sure to see my review of that), I hoped that the filmmakers would have learned from their mistakes and produced a film that actually required you to have an IQ above 10 to enjoy it. Clearly the makers failed and didn't take on feedback from before.
Car crash. Let's start with that horrible sequence in which the toys cross the road hidden under cones. Lots of cars spin out of control and crash into each other. It's a huge collision! Yet only an hour or so later when the toys cross the road again, there is no damage whatsoever! Surely a crash that big would take days to clear up, not to mention the amount of news reporters covering the scene. How can the filmmakers not have noticed this major plot hole.
Security Cameras. I know 1999 is still in the period when humans were dumb, but we had basic cameras back then. For some reason, these security cameras don't pick up toys breaking about and moving in a toy store! Likewise they don't appear to exist in airports as the toys steal a luggage cart and escape through LOCKED gates without being stopped?! How was this not noticed, why wasn't there a massive inquiry? It's ludicrous that the filmmakers missed this.
New Toys? When Andy returns Jessie and Bullseye are now part of his toy collection. Yes we hear him shout "thanks mom" but I highly doubt that would be the end of it. Surely he would have brought this up later to her and she would have been confused as to what he meant. They would then ultimately discover and believe that these toys appeared from nowhere and ended up in Andy's room somehow. Admittedly believing the toys are alive wouldn't be their first belief as to how they got there, but they would still inquire and presumably call the police about a creepy intruder delivering toys to Andy's room. This scene must have not made the final cut of the film.
There are other plot holes that I really can't be bothered to mention. Mainly a toy horse catching up with both a plane and a luggage cart. The fact that toys can safely break into an airport without being spotted by security or security cameras and the fact that we STILL have no answer as to why toys can't reveal they're alive to humans. An awful film made by idiots who still haven't learnt from their prior mistakes. 1/10.
Professor Branestawm Returns (2015)
Vile, Utter, Trash.
When I heard that this abysmal piece of trash had received a sequel I couldn't stop crying with laughter. The original Branestawm was so terrible and so badly received by not only critics but the public as well. So how on Earth did this get the all clear for a sequel?!?! Nice to know our license fee cash for the BBC is being well spent - on trashy programs that are vile and repulsive to watch.
I'm not even going to comment on the story. The story was full of plot holes and made no sense once again. CGI - awful, looked as though it was done on Windows Movie Maker. Comedy - there were no jokes, no laughs and no gags. Acting - Harry Hill is a trashy comedian who jumped the shark a long time ago. The fact that his terrible film only gets a 3.5 on IMDb is hilarious. This unfunny "comedian" needs to get down the job centre and find another job cause comedy and acting clearly isn't his thing.
Isn't it hilarious how they couldn't get Ben Miller back? Obviously he realised and knew that this TV film was abysmal. The rest of the actors are awful. Just go and get new jobs the lot of you no one likes you get off television.
Anyone involved in the making of this should hang their heads in shame at wasting money on something so hideously awful. There is some good news though. The license fee for the BBC will most likely be scrapped soon, meaning this channel will soon be abolished and we won't have to put up with trash like this being made anymore.
Game of Thrones: A Telltale Games Series (2014)
Good storyline and game but decisions ultimately do nothing...
OK so for those of you who are fans of Game of Thrones it's probably worth checking this game out seen as the first episode is free. It's a fun game and the storyline is gripping. Most of the characters are likable with the exception of Mira whose storyline is pretty dull and unrealistic for the scenario. But the story is gripping, it's well written and you'll want to know what happens next. The gameplay can be fun at times especially some of the fight scenes in the later episodes. It's an addictive game with good voice actors that will make you want to play through it to the end.
However there are some problems with this game. Some of the things in the storyline just don't really add up and I found myself thinking why would this character bother doing this. For example, Cersei appears in the game, and wants to meet with Mira (Margaery's handmaiden) in person. I found myself thinking why would Cersei even care or have the time to deal with a handmaiden from some minor house that was associated with the Stark's. It just doesn't seem plausible that Cersei, Tyrion and Margaery would all discuss Mira's case with her present in the throne room. Cersei really wouldn't care about her would she? and has far more important things going on to care about some nobody. The other problem with having main characters from the TV show in the game is that we know they're untouchable. Take Ramsay for example, we know we can't do anything to him or kill him because he is in the TV show.
The main problem with this game however is the decisions themselves and the fact that they have literally no effect on what happens. Basically, the writers of this game have a set story planned and no matter what you do, you have to follow the storyline and events that take place. I'll give you several examples. SPOILERS:
In episode 2, Mira meets with a corrupt Lannister guard who tries to kill her. Her friend, a coalboy, intervenes and the guard attempts to drown him. The game presents you with the choice of either killing the guard with a knife, or running off and leaving the guard to drown the boy. The way this choice is presented makes it seem as though if you don't attack the guard the boy will die. Unfortunately for the makers of this game, we now have youtube videos and Game of Thrones wikipedia pages that tell us what happens if you pick each choice. Basically, whatever option you pick has no effect on the story. If you stab the guard the boy lives and approaches you in the next episode to talk to you about how he disposed of the guards body. If you don't stab the guard and just run off, the boy surely dies right? Nope. He approaches you in the next episode and says he managed to overpower the guard and kill him. This proves the decisions have no effect. The writers have a set plan, and the choices are just an illusion to make you believe what you're choosing is really effecting the story.
Another example, in episode 4 Beshka wants to kill her old master. You can either let her do it or stop her. If you let her kill him, Daenerys Targaryen doesn't give you the Second Sons because you disobeyed her. Oh so if we had stopped Beshka killing the master we'd get the Second Sons? Once again the answer is NO, she says she needs the Second Sons for her own protection, even if you spared the master and followed all of her orders.
So as you can see, the choices have no real effect on the storyline. In the first episode, a playable character (Ethan) is stabbed and killed by Ramsay. Whatever options you pick, say or do, this will always happen. The choices are just an ILLUSION, nothing you really do has any main consequence or will change the overall story of the game. Yes certain characters can be killed off or brought along, but ultimately the choices don't do anything that will change the end game result. Because of this the game is somewhat disappointing. You don't have much freedom. You can't beat some annoying villain to death because the game storyline says he can't die till the end of the game. The game lacks freedom and with a planned end result and options, no matter what you do, certain events will happen because the story says it has to happen and you can't change them. Ultimately you may as well just pick the funniest or most brutal options because they're the most enjoyable to watch and by not picking them, you're not changing anything anyway.
Toy Story (1995)
Rubbish movie, so many plot holes...
I don't understand why this film is so highly rated. The film has so many plot holes in it I actually lost count. Now before I start this review, I'm not going to say toys talking is a plot hole, the idea of them talking is interesting but it opens up so many other questions that the movie never really explains. Also, don't argue, "it's a kids movie", films need to make sense in order to work whether they're for kids or not. This film is so bad and here is why. Even if you like this film, you have to agree with some of the points I'm making here:
Buzz thinks he's a space ranger. If that is the case then why does he allow Andy to play with him? Does he not think why is this giant kid picking me up and throwing me around? Buzz however makes no attempt to communicate with Andy. Surely Buzz would try and talk to him? This doesn't make sense given that Buzz doesn't believe he's a toy. Also when Woody hits a button that release Buzz's helmet and he gasps for air, you're telling me Andy never pushed that button? He's owned the toy for weeks yet hadn't pressed all the buttons? Rubbish.
The end scene is one of the worst scenes for me. It's broad daylight and two toys are running down a street. Where are all the pedestrians on the street? How are they able to open the back of the moving van truck? Surely the driver would notice doesn't he check his rear view mirrors, or surely a button or signal would come up revealing that a door was open at the back of his truck? Wow any thief could steal from this useless driver. Also when Woody and Buzz fly down from the sky and land in Andy's car. Andy's car is directly in front of the truck driver, how could he possibly not see this???
The most hilarious scene though is when Woody is moving around in the middle of the road and a person in a car honks at him. Woody then ducks in front of the car as it drives over him. 1) Why would you sound your car horn if there was a toy in the road? 2) The driver therefore saw Woody as he sounded his horn. 3) He must have seen Woody moving about and be thrown from the moving van. Does this driver know toys are alive or something? Is it only kids who are unaware? I just don't understand. It's never fully explained. Continuing this point: when the toys all surround Woody and prepare to attack him after he knocks Buzz out the window, we hear Andy from outside shouting. This allows them to return into position. What if he hadn't have shouted though? He would have walked in and seen them. This is why this idea of toys coming to life could never work! No kid would always shout when they enter their room and most kids leave their doors open yet Andy never does - allowing the toys to move around and communicate.
Once you take these plot holes into account, the conclusion is that the film sucks and is a really poor movie. Honestly how could anyone like it? An interesting idea that just falls flat. And also the final question that is never addressed is: Why can't toys reveal they're alive to humans??? It's never explained and I don't get why. Poor film 1 star. Awful.
The Incredible Adventures of Professor Branestawm (2014)
What a Vile Piece of Pure and Utter Trash.
Having sat through the truly awful Gangsta Granny last year, I hoped this time the BBC would have made a better Christmas TV movie. After all Gangsta Granny was so bad, surely it couldn't be hard to make something better. Boy was I wrong. This is possibly the worst TV movie/film I have ever seen. It's so bad I feel compelled to write this review and rate it 1 Star multiple times based on how terrible this utter garbage really is. Seriously how did someone at the BBC watch this and allow it to be aired? This is so bad it makes me angry. The actors in this are good actors; with the likes of Ben Miller and David Mitchell, two of my favourite people on television so why the hell did they agree to do this? One can only assume it was for the money.
There is not ONE funny moment in the story. It's so ridiculously stupid. All the "jokes" are so childish and pathetic, it's just not funny at all, you won't laugh once. The story didn't make sense, the characters were all unlikable, I found myself routing for the bad guy and wishing all the good characters would get killed off. It must have been edited together by a monkey I can only assume as any sane person would know this story doesn't make the remote bit sense. Even the CGI was terrible, the flames looked so fake and weren't even properly in place. The actors we know are good, but because the directing and script was so terrible it makes them look poor. Their lines are so cheesy. How many times is that stupid colonel going to say that same line about Mitchell's character? It's not funny.
What's with the black policeman always crashing his bike and being ignored by everyone? Felt like kind of subtle racism to me and wasn't in the least bit funny. The worst bit however is the deal with the robot at the end hitting David Mitchell's character with people laughing as he's attacked? Wow that is assault! This film is actually encouraging and supporting assault and saying it's OK? Yeah what a great message for kids. This movie has a perfect moral message for children!
Please don't watch this utter vile unfunny trash. The people I feel sorry for the most are the actors. They will forever be shamed with having starred in this terrible mess. Especially the child actor. I wonder what she'll think when she looks back at this in ten years time? It will tragically end her career I fear and she'll feel ashamed for ever having agreed to be in this. Shame on the director and anyone else involved in the making of this mess, hang your heads in shame at wasting a lot of time and money on something so terribly bad.
True Detective (2014)
Boring, miserable, rubbish TV series
How does this absolute pile of trash have a rating of 9.3? There goes my faith in trusting IMDb ratings... Where do I even start with this terrible mess.
I have watched three episodes and I just cannot continue. I wanted to like this show, I really did, everyone seems to give it high praise, but I just cannot watch another episode. I don't think I'd watch it if I was paid. It's so boring. Why do people like this rubbish?
By the end of Episode 3 we haven't even seen an antagonist or any person that seems to be a bad guy. There's only 8 episodes, HURRY IT UP ALREADY! Every character mumbles their lines in this show. This makes it really frustrating to watch as you have to listen out extra carefully, you might want to put subtitles on if you're watching this. Not one interesting or decent event has occurred by the end of episode 3. No action, no story, no nothing. The story also jumps about all over the place going back to the present and then the past every ten minutes or so. Stick to the past will you! Why don't those detectives just get the details they need? No one cares or needs to know anything about a boring dinner conversation.
At the end of Episode 2 we learn of this church where we assume this bad cult has its meetings to carry out their executions. I wonder if the show will leave us on a cliffhanger... And so we wait and what are we given? A boring painting on a wall... Is this meant to make me want to watch the next episode? Hey writers and makers of the show, if you only have eight episodes to work with, not having any action or a bad guy nearly halfway through the series isn't good storytelling!
What am I meant to be interested in? The characters? It's difficult to like characters that mumble every line so you can't even hear what they say. Boring, monotone, drone characters with no like ability. Don't waste your time on this it's so boring please don't watch it. Unless you want to watch boring people mumble lines so you can't hear them properly or if you like stories with no action, bad guys or cliffhangers, then this show might be for you!
Persistence (1999)
Good till the end...
This film is actually not at all bad. It's one of those short films from the 90's with an intriguing story that will keep you on the edge of your seat. The film starts well, with the protagonist (David Dunn) finding a gun in a house and then the rest is told through a flashback to the previous day. The story is interesting and the acting is very good. I thought the lead character played by Joe Rice was really good, as was Owen, Strickland and the assassin. Good acting and a good story (up to a certain point). Owen I thought was particularly good as the comic relief. He has some funny and cleverly written lines of dialogue such as the lawn mowing and Back to the Future reference. The music is also really good and fits the genre of the film.
The story in itself is about an ordinary man who see's his old boss at a train station one day, a man whom he thought was dead in an accident several years back. Our protagonist then finds himself in a deadly conspiracy where a female assassin tries to kill him and then the incident is covered up when he manages to escape. The pacing of the story is good and keeps you guessing. You'll wonder whether each character is involved in the conspiracy or not, and the film cleverly makes it unclear as to whether David is starting to lose his mind or not. The story is fine right up to around the twenty minute mark, and that's where it sadly goes right downhill.
Spoilers incoming. It was a mistake in my opinion killing Owen. That character was the comic relief to the film and a good character. His off-screen death was a bit of a shock and disappointment. Then David does things that are a little stupid, such as lying to Strickland on the phone in front of someone involved in the conspiracy. It would have been better maybe if he had actually found Strickland's newspaper at the station. Then the ending falls flat, when he meets Strickland in the bar. Anyone with any common sense would never agree a meeting point arranged by someone trying to kill them. So David basically dies...and the film tries to justify it by making out the bad guys aren't really bad guys. But these people killed two innocent men. David didn't do anything wrong other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. A film where killing off the main character at the end in my opinion is a bad ending and thus makes a bad film and storytelling, which is really unfortunate in this case because I really liked the story up to that point. A better ending would have been if they let David go because he could prove Strickland was still alive somehow. It was kind of a cop out ending and I wonder whether the director just ran out of ideas and decided this ending was perhaps the easiest. That being said, I did like Strickland's end speech where he explains everything and the whole conspiracy, but this could have still been said with David surviving the outcome.
Overall a sad disappointment as I liked the film up till that point and the ending is just too easy. When you look at the story it makes little sense that they'd try and kill him. David could have told anyone about Strickland being alive up to the point of his death. It's also mentioned that Strickland's death was in all the newspapers, so wouldn't that make it highly likely he would be recognised wherever he went? What if he kept seeing people he knew from his past, would they have to take them out as well? A little too simple of a story let down by the unfortunate ending. It's worth a watch, just maybe stop at the point when David returns from the station after trying to find the video cameras, then skip to Strickland's speech and stop, because after this point it sadly goes right downhill.
Fallen (1998)
Utter Rubbish.
OK so where do we begin with this pile of absolute vile trash. I came across this film online as I am a big fan of Denzel Washington movies and was interested to watch more of his unknown films from the 90's and early 2000's. So I came across Fallen and noticed the rating of 7.0 so figured I'd give it a watch as it was classified as a thriller.
This film is possibly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Let's start with the good: Well, the end song that plays is Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones - a great song. This is the only good thing about the movie. Now for the bad:
The plot was absolutely ridiculous. I'll admit I went into this film not knowing entirely what it was all about. I thought it was going to be a thriller, not some fantasy, sci-fi trash about the devil possessing other humans bodies. The plot is ludicrous and laughable. I lost interest and because of the terrible story telling, the movie loses it's title as a thriller. Now let's look at some of the main plot holes. When the devil is possessed in Resse's body, he touches Hobbes and doesn't infect him because Hobbes believes in God and wears a cross or something.... Resse then goes to get executed but he touches the executioner. Why therefore doesn't the executioner get possessed here? Instead the devil doesn't leave the body of Resse until Resse is executed. If he can enter any humans body when he is in spirit form then why didn't he just enter Hobbes body here? Instead he picks the executioner - who must be religious as well seen as he isn't possessed until spirit form - Never explained in the movie = bad storytelling and plot hole.
What was the point of Hobbes having a brother? The character served no purpose to the plot. Why was Azazel (the devil) obsessed with killing people during the plot when at the end he seems to not care? Why didn't Hobbes chase after Azazel when he kept switching bodies in the street and try and stop him here? This amongst many other plot holes make this movie dreadful. That horrible sound effect and camera visuals which change when we see things through Azazel's point of view was painful and irritating to watch. Was it meant to be scary? All it did was annoy me.
Now for the final scene. If Azazel was the narrator all along then why is he speaking in Hobbes voice when Hobbes dies at the end and he's entered the cat? Why did Azazel bother to bring his boss along? Surely he must have known what Hobbes plan was all along. Why not just bring a spare live body in the trunk of the car? Hobbes method for killing the devil is ridiculous. How did that detective know Azazel couldn't survive for longer than a human breath or whatever nonsense was given for his survival? Plot convenience... If Azazel can enter cats couldn't he just enter a bird? Finally, if Hobbes was smart then he would have just captured Azazel and wounded him, then kept him prisoner in some locked room for eternity. Or he could have taken him to a much quieter place like the middle of the ocean and let him die there? This film was truly awful and I'm angered I wasted 2 hours watching this trash. A real shame for Denzel, his acting was good, but the ridiculous story and plot didn't give him much to work with. Dreadful film, avoids at all costs.