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torturechamberlain
Reviews
Darkhunters (2004)
Yes, it's true
This movie really is that bad, and I'm normally a sucker for bad movies, but this was too much. Seeing this is like OD'ing on pure SUCK. Now, you may think you've seen the bottom of the barrel. You may have waded through every title from Full Moon and Troma, all the movies of Edward D. Wood Jr, Uwe Boll, Albert Pyun and direct to DVD-flicks from faded men-of-action. You may even have seen Death Tunnel, Ghost Lake and a vast array of the movies that MST3K covered, but in their original form. But you do not know truly awful film-making until you have seen Darkhunters. And if you haven't, you shouldn't. Don't bother. Not only is this movie amazingly poorly written, directed, shot, edited, acted and splattered in crude, cheap aftereffects. First of all, it's a pretentious mess. But not good, Greenaway or Lynch-style pretentious or hilariously messy in an Ittenbach or early Waters sort of fashion. It's the kind of pretentiousness that comes when someone incredibly stupid thinks they've come up with something incredibly smart. Sort of like M. Night Shaymalan (sp?), only that man seems like a freakin' messiah when compared to this trainwreck (and this coming from a rampant Shaymalan hater). It's also boring. Not heavy going-type boring, which is okay, if the movie awards your patience. Darkhunters does no such thing. It's boring in a "Oh my fu(king God, if I see another shot of a cat set to an obnoxious audio cue I am going to fu(king kill myself!"-kind of way.
Btw. anyone who claims to like this film is a boldfaced liar and anyone who claims this film is complex or deep knows what their mother is like in bed.
Ghost Lake (2004)
For those who enjoy the acting in pornos
Once in a while, you watch a movie where you can just immediately tell that the directors mother is also his aunt. One such movie is Ghost Lake. As a no-/low-budget filmmaker, I generally sympathize with others in this end of the field. One has to cope with annoying editors and actors who, in various strange ways, convince you that they can actually act and sign on to the point where it's too late to replace them. But much of this can be forgiven if the general intention with the movie is good or just honest. Not so the case with Ghost Lake. It repeatedly rips off one horror movie after the other, all the while setting new lows in acting, shooting and musicianship (yup, the score was awful to boot).
That being said, I did laugh my ass off watching it. Watching this movie was the equivalent of reading a list of cinematic don't's. And I don't mean "don't" as in "Don't use voiceovers" and similar snooty filmschool bs. I mean "don't" as in, "Don't do this, because it looks like you can't tell your ass from your elbow, anyway you slice it". If you're in any way into films (just being an avid moviegeek will do) this movie will provide literally dozens of laughs-per-minute with it's machine-gun like barrage of ineptitude. You're going to want to show this to your friends just to see their bewildered expression that simply says "Wtf were they thinking?!" like nothing else.
If your idea of awesome cinematic experiences is films like Death Tunnel or Kaw, well this movie is too shoddy for even that. No person living could possibly like this dreck, and the mere possibility is downright offensive.
United 93 (2006)
Even more realistic than Snakes on a Plane
Having had this movie recommended from various sources describing it as objective and touching, I decided to check it out for myself. Well, all I can say is that this is one of the most flawlessly executed pure propaganda movies I have ever seen.
The subtle shifts in mood via music, pacing and harsher language makes the manipulation you're subjected to almost impossible to catch on to if you're not used to analyzing films. But it's there. It's actually a good idea to pause the movie during the most intense moments, sit and relax and then press play again. You wont necessarily have noticed the shifts and manipulations before but once you press play they'll hit you like a sledgehammer with that patented Hollywood-finesse (You know it. It's the one ranging somewhere between a rabid dog and a rapist).
However some flaws were left in. While it was an ingenious (well...) move to use unknown actors with the audience as passive onlookers, it did leave one majer problem for me. Well over half the time, the actors looked as if they were concentrating all their skill and knowhow on not looking into the camera (and, therefore, looking every other possible way and ending up looking kinda desperate). It's the same way with cheap made-for-TV recontructions (...) but if that's your thing...
Anyways, the princible question regarding U93 is "why"? Why even make this movie? We know what happened and "we"'ve got a pretty good idea why it did. In any case the movie doesn't offer any new twist on it. It seems it's only objective is to fan a flame that the American media have already turned into a roaring inferno with their trademark skills of communication. So why would they make this film? Anyone?
Ya'll know what these little fellas mean?: $$$ If you don't, look it up. They're pretty big in Hollywood.
I should add to anyone that agrees with me: Relax, it's just a movie and it can't harm you.
And to anyone that disagrees: Relax, it's just a review and it can't harm you. Btw. most shrinks would argue that the best way to cope with a trauma isn't to relive it via a moviescreen. But what do they know, right?
Shallow Ground (2004)
Original rip-off...?
While this film pickpockets several ideas from movies that are far superior to it, it does have a setting of some originality, which could make it compelling, if only for the bottomdwelling freaks who actually enjoy watching crap flicks like this disasterpiece. The lighting robs this film of it's intensity, which would be a shame if it didn't suck so bad over all. The blood and gore is ridiculously overused and loses all impact after about 10 minutes in. The acting, while not down at the ridiculous lows of such suckfests as the horribly overrated Malevolent, is still totally devoid of any feeling. Beneath the weird blood soaked surface of the film, lies the ill concealed fact that it simply has nothing original to tell us. Embarrassing little subplots seem to pop up whenever convenient, plunging this movie even deeper down the pits of forgettable film-making. Oh, and the ending sets new standards for ridiculous horror.
Malevolence (2003)
Z-grade horror movie that steals from classic flicks.
Watched this at a friends house the other day. I'm not that big on newer horror movies and this reminds me why. The acting is laughably inept, the editing is poor and the script seems thrown together. The worst part of the film however, was the long sequences that where 100% ripped off from other movies, most prominently The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This all amounts to a huge, yawn inducing crock of feces that should be avoided at all costs. Running for perhaps the worst "horror" movie I've seen this year, along with the equally mindless Shallow Ground.
If you've never seen a horror movie in your life, this still might not seem all that original. And for those of us who've been fed our share, this represents the absolute bottom of the barrel. I simply cannot stress enough, how intensely this movie sucks.