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Those Who Walk Away (2022)
An open minded review as opposed to most of the others
I'm giving this 5/10, not because it's flat out a good film, but because of the elements in it and because I'm rating it as a low budget, B movie.
I have a lot of respect for Robert Rippberger for just getting it off the ground. It's light years better than 'Float' which he was Exec Producer on.
The writing is one of the main problems here. I found the 'dating' half of the film tedious and at times, excruciating. I have no problems with the set up, but it was laborious and seemed to be filling in time, rather than adding to the story.
The 'one take' camera work was well done and credit to the actors and crew for pulling that off.
The acting was fine, especially Booboo Stewart who single handedly carries the film. I would argue that anyone who has a problem with the acting really has a problem with the script. I thought the cast did a fine job; all things considered.
A shout out for the score too, especially at the begining of the film.
The second act is sometimes trippy, sometimes creepy, but incoherent and lacking in proper horror. There are quite a few moments that could have been better with a bit more thought.
If they'd shortened the dating set up and gone full-on weirdness once they're in the house, it could have been something special.
Unfortunately, it misses the mark.
A couple of things to finsh on... The phone conversation with Dave (three minutes in) is utterly tedious, and what's going on with the opening first couple of minutes of the film? I thought it was a pretty exciting set up, but it's like the start of a completely different film and has nothing at all to do with what's about to happen. Very strange.
The Ark (2023)
Why you should endure one episode
The Ark looks underneath the barrel and takes a scraping from that. You should force yourself to endure at least one episode, so you can witness it for yourself.
The script, acting and direction are all unbelievably bad.
The spaceship itself is like the last level of Dante's Inferno. You endure all the different levels of Hell and this is where you end up.
I'm just going to repeat this review to make up the required characters.
The Ark looks underneath the barrel and takes a scraping from that. You should force yourself to endure at least one episode, so you can witness it for yourself.
The script, acting and direction are all unbelievably bad.
The spaceship itself is like the last level of Dante's Inferno. You endure all the different levels of Hell and this is where you end up.
Elvis (2022)
Austin Butler...
I've waited a couple of days to digest this film before writing this review.
Hanks is absolutely terrible and ruins the film. I can't believe how bad Hanks is in this. Luhrmann's direction is so heavy handed that it's impossible to ignore. It was difficult to watch at times.
I'm giving it 7/10 purely based on Butler's performance which is (mostly) astonishing. If it wasn't for him, this would be a 3/10 at best and an absolute disaster.
Everyone else is a bit player. He carries this film in an unexpected and mesmerising way.
I just want to end by saying I'm not Austin Butler.
The Prey: Legend of Karnoctus (2022)
Not great, but contains the best one liner in the history of cinema.
I love a good B movie and this was firmly at the bottom end of the scale.
I should have known as soon as I saw Danny Trejo's name. He's the kiss of death for any film.
The dialogue is terrible. The opening scene to introduce us to the cast, is unbelievably bad. Some of the acting is sub-par. The effect aren't great... but somehow, if you take all that into consideration and know what you're going in to, it's bearable. There's just too much creeping through the caves whispering to each other and not hearing gunshots around the corner, despite being deep in a cave system.
I opened with 'the dialogue is terrible', but it's well worth enduring this film just to bear witness to Nick Chinlund perfectly delivering what might be the best action movie one-liner in cinema history, just before his climactic fight.
All in all, it's a fairly decent, low budget, monster flick, as long as you go into it knowing what to expect.
Expedition X: The Beast of Andros Island (2022)
Scraping the bottom of the barrel
Expedition X is a bit hit and miss, and this is a mile wide miss.
Beautiful locations and interesting diving, but the idea that they're looking for some mysterious, military experiment that resulted in a 'sharktopus' is utterly embarrassing. They were obviously committed to filming this episode, but it must have been a low point for all concerned.
Expedition Bigfoot: A Massive Discovery (2022)
Dude!
The last 30 seconds of this episode gave me goosebumps. It makes a nice change from charging through the forest at night with as much noise and light as possible.
Eraser: Reborn (2022)
Eraser(ish)... but without any of the thrills
Someone, somewhere read this script and decided to put up the cash to make it. Imagine that?!
The threadbare plot involving a crypto wallet isn't even revealed until halfway through the film. The stakes couldn't be any lower and by then, no one cares. There's no character development. We're not even sure of the relationship between Pollard and Whitlock.
The original is so underrated. Great acting (even from the bit players), high stakes, James Caan as the double crossing mentor, some fantastic stunts and set pieces.
Eraser: Reborn doesn't even come close. The substitute for the crocodile scene is embarrassing. Pollard is revealed to be some sort of Dr. Dolittle who can talk to the animals.
As the film approaches its climax, it becomes even more boring. How did they let that happen?
I've given it 2/10 for the cinematography which is mostly pretty good.
The Contractor (2022)
Cliched Rubbish
Producer walks on set: "We've run out of money. You have one hour to re-write and finish the film."
Director: "But we have a week of filming left! We have a climactic fight scene to do which will leave audiences breathless... A final plot twist which no one will see coming!"
Producer: "You have 58 minutes left."
Trigger Point (2022)
Hey!
Ok, Daniel Brierly; let's get one thing straight about your script...
No one on this side of the Atlantic says, "Hey", as a greeting.
Now I've got that off my chest, I can sum Trigger Point up as very disappointing. Shoddy acting. Cliched, yet ridiculous, plot.
What's Ralph Ineson doing here? He's better than this.
For me, the most annoying thing was in the final episode where some key narrative elements, that defined the story through multiple episodes, were dismissed in a single sentence as a misunderstanding.
Louis C.K.: Sorry (2021)
You'll be sorry you watched this...
Well, right here is the difference between American and British humour.
Speaking as a Brit, nothing in 'Sorry' is remotely funny, or gets anywhere close, but the audience is laughing and there are reviewers on here saying it's 'hilarious' and 'a masterpiece'. I say this subjectively, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I can't dispute the fact that he's talented, but in the same way no-one outside of the U. S. finds Seinfeld funny, this is an endurance test like watching paint dry. It's only an hour long, but it'll be the longest hour of your life.
Ted Lasso (2020)
"Football is life"
"Football is life", says AFC Richmond player Dani Rojas and it's all right here in this brilliant series. We don't actually see that much football, and Ted Lasso is all the better for that. This isn't a show about the on field drama. The real action is behind the scenes with Ted getting to grips with coaching a sport he knows little about.
If I described it to you, you'd probably imagine a show full of cliches, but that couldn't be further from the truth.
It takes a couple of episodes to really get going, but once you get into it, you can't stop watching. I'm not ashamed to say that I laughed out loud AND I cried in more than one episode! Never in all my life has a tv show done that to me.
Olissa Rogers take a bow. The casting is amazing. There isn't a single weak performance. Everyone is on their A game.
Jason Sudeikis is perfect as Lasso. Hannah Waddingham is perfect as Rebecca, the club's owner. The standout performance for me is Brett Goldstein. He's brilliant in every scene he's in, plus he's absolutely hilarious when he needs to be.
One of the only weaknesses in the show is that the character of Jamie Tartt is a rare cliche. Phil Dunster does a good job, but the writing is too blunt. He is sort of resolved in the final episode, but by then it's far too late. There are quite a few 'cringe' moments scattered throughout, but nothing too bad.
Also... goldfish have good memories.
I can't recommend this show highly enough.
The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020)
Veers between tedious and exhilarating... but mostly tedious.
Ok, so the first thing I need to say is that I stuck with it for eight out of the nine episodes, but I don't care how it finishes. I haven't got the slightest interest. Most of the time I was just bored. Even though I got so close to finishing, I can't bring myself to waste my time watching any more of this. The Haunting of Bly Manor would have been much better if it was condensed into four episodes.
Ok, so with that said, here are the good points. The cinematography is fantastic. Amelie Bea Smith and Benjamin Evan Ainsworth are outstanding. The best actors in this by a mile. If you're going to watch this my advice would be don't waste your time with the whole thing, but watch episodes one, five and eight (even though episode eight is average). Episode five is exhilarating, absorbing, daring, and where the whole thing comes together. T'Nia Miller is brilliant and Oliver Jackson-Cohen wears a sense of true menace. Unfortunately, it's a chore getting there and afterwards it becomes a one trick pony.
One of the most annoying things about trying to get through this was Victoria Pedretti's insufferable acting with her unsubtle ticks and nuances. Just give it a rest. This isn't what constitutes 'good acting'. Mike Flanagan should have got her to rein it in a bit.
This is the first time I've ever got as far as the last episode of a series and not watched it because I just don't care. That says it all.
The 2nd (2020)
C list at best
The 2nd doesn't quite make it as a B movie. Poor casting is mostly to blame, but the script and direction are appalling. Casper Van Dien has a vague star quality about him, but is poorly cast as the baddie. The 'climatic' fight sequence is absolutely laughable. The whole film isn't quite 'so bad it's entertaining', as 'so bad it's actually verging on very bad'. Luckily for our damsel in distress, there happens to be a teenager out to rescue her who can defeat a whole squad of ex-special forces soldiers with a few punches. The funniest part of the film is where he teleports out of a building to save Erin at the last moment.
Another couple of things worth mentioning is that the Director of the CIA appears to live in a tiny flat like the cheap, scummy flat I lived in when I was out of work and Ryan Phillippe seems to be about ten years older than Jack Griffo who plays his son.
The set up at the end for a sequel is embarrassing. Let's hope there isn't a 'The 3rd'.
Messiah (2020)
Almost a Miracle
Wow... to say I was blown away is an understatement. Considering some of the utter rubbish Netflix is desperately peddling as 'entertainment' these days, this show is almost a miracle. The producers, scriptwriters, directors, actors, vfx team, etc, should take a well deserved bow. In fact, this series is a technical tour de force. Stunning from start to finish. Incredible acting, writing, camerawork, cinematography... You name it, this show has it. It has many powerful scenes; so powerful in fact, that I was sometimes in awe of a tv show, and that is something that happens maybe once every ten years or so.
Inside No. 9: Love's Great Adventure (2020)
Inside No 9 takes us on another adventure
Well written and brilliantly acted, this engrossing episode is another unexpected treat for fans of Inside No 9.
I can't help but feel disappointed that the bad reviews here are all written by people who admit they 'didn't get it'. Just because it's a bit more subtle than usual and went over your heads, doesn't mean the episode was poor. You might as well have just written "I'm not very bright and I don't pay attention".
Outbreak (1995)
Too many flaws
A 'by-the-numbers' plot which is mapped out from the very start, a script which is almost entirely exposition, one implausable plot device after another, and a cast of utterly unlikeable, shallow characters and means it's difficult to enjoy this film.
I'm not sure if the reviews which describe it as 'well crafted' or 'suspenseful' watched the same film as me.
Even the score grates on my nerves as it is often over-melodramatic.
A half-decent B movie, but let's not pretend it's any better than that.
Avengers: Endgame (2019)
Most overrated film of all time
This wasn't just bad as in disappointing, it was one of the worst films I've ever endured. I was enjoying it until 'time travel', and from then on it spiralled downwards until it hit rock bottom. Just terrible.
You know how Iron Man 3 was unwatchable? Well imagine that, but a hundred times worse and even longer.
It amazes me how someone, at some point, gave this the green light to be made and then wasted $350million on this disaster.
It's difficult to know where to start with this insufferable abomination, but I guess it must just be me as it made a ton of money at the box office and seems to get decent reviews.
If this is an indication of the standard of where the Avengers movies were heading, then good riddance. The proof in what I'm saying is the appallingly bad 'Spider-Man Far From Home', which is also one of the worst films I've ever had the misfortune to see.
I give it one star for the last 20 minutes where the series was wrapped up.
Disney, please don't inflict any more of this garbage on the world.
Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet (2020)
I'd hoped it would be better
So I just binged Season 1 and it's... ok. It says a lot that the highlight is when we leave the regular cast behind for episode 5 which features Jake Johnson and Cristin Milioti who are both outstanding. It's brilliant, and if this was the actual show, they'd be onto a winner.
There's plenty of good acting (especially David Hornsby), but the story is aimless and tiresome. I personally found the character of Poppy badly written and at times excrutiating to watch. There were some great 'Sunny-esqe' moments such as CW being introduced to the new writer for the game's backstories, but overall it just wasn't as engaging as I'd hoped.
I wonder what this show would have been like had it been written before Sunny's quality nose-dived into the ground.
I rated it 5, but added another star just for Episode 5, which I loved.
Manifest (2018)
Disaster
This fails on every level. The premise sounds good and the first episiode is ok, but then it becomes apparent that the biggest mystery is whether the script was written by a living person or a computer with only the vaguest idea of how humans communicate. It could not be any more bland. The plot is aimless and the lines are delivered as though the actor is reading them for the first time. The characters are irritating and unbelievable. This series is just a boring soap opera.
I watched three and a half episodes before I skipped to the last episode. Guess what? Nothing had happened in the meantime.
The War of the Worlds (2019)
Awful across the board
I've just watched the second episode and no, it still hasn't improved so that's it. I'm out. Poor acting, terrible directing, confused cinematography, some bewildering editing and a laughable script. The bizarre insertion of meaningless, superfluous sub-plots and occasional lack of any logic in the characters' decisions makes this a chore to watch. Who cares about George's relationship with his brother, or the fact that he isn't married to Amy? I don't and neither do the writers who dip in and out of logic at will.
In one memorable, illogical part of the plot, George and Amy get separated during an attack. He shouts to her that they'll meet in London. Upon arriving at London, George sees that the city has been devastated and decides that Amy might have headed 'to the coast'. In the very next scene he just happens to be on the same beach as Amy and they are reunited.
Also, as a plot device, future Amy is looking back on what happened and telling her story, so we know what has happened to some of the characters. This results in a lack of any tension in the narrative. Frankly, the whole thing is just boring.
The First (2018)
Stunning
If you want another 'The Martian', you've come to the wrong place. This is slower, more considered and as a result is far more rewarding to watch.
What is Science Fiction, but a backdrop to explore the human condition? This pretty much sums up The First. It's a behind the scenes look at the first Mars mission, the sacrifices required of the brave crew that undertakes the journey and the impact it has on their loved ones left behind.
It's almost as though Terrence Malick made this; Beautiful to look at, a haunting soundtrack and superlative acting from the whole cast (Sean Penn's powerhouse performance is especially noteworthy).
The final episode is very special; a stunning hymn to the possibilities of human endeavour.
The Ritual (2017)
Genuine sense of dread in this Lovecraftian horror
To say this is part Lovecraft and part Blair Witch doesn't really do this film justice. It's well put together and the suspense builds throughout with perfect pacing.
I could barely tear my eyes away.
The ending? I liked it, although I would have been happier if it stayed a bit more of a psychological horror, just because it excelled at that.
The characters' first encounter with the presence in the woods is genuinely frightening and unsettling. Enjoy!!
Upgrade (2018)
Stylish Action
I went into this without knowing anything at all about the film and I was very pleasantly surprised.
Technically the film is great. It looks very stylish and there was hardly anything that disappointed. The fight scenes are top notch and not afraid to pull any punches.
If it had a large budget it wouldn't necessarily be any better, which is quite a compliment.
Patient Zero (2018)
Shambolic from start to finish
No-one involved in this comes out with any credit whatsoever, least of all director Stefan Ruzowitzky. The writers and producers should all hang their heads in shame.
The actors phone in their performances from the bottom of a barrel and some of the dialogue made my skin crawl it was so embarrassing.
There are plot holes from the very start and the relationships between the characters seem to have been written by the high school, work-experience intern.
There is a particularly memorable scene in which Clive Standen's character, the highly trained, yet strangely incompetent buffoon 'Colonel Knox' is in a 15ftx15ft room pointing a gun at an 'infected' and somehow manages to lose sight of him, so the infected can sneak up on him from behind.
You think I must be kidding, but the whole film is full of stuff like this.
I know it has been mentioned in almost every other review, but it would be remiss of me not to also highlight Matt Smith's ridiculous accent.
I've given it 2/10 because the sets look good.
How It Ends (2018)
Ending is great!
I'm only writing this because I can't believe all the people whinging on here about the ending of 'How it Ends'. Do you want the answers to all the questions posed by a film? Really? Well if you're 'that sort of person', I feel sorry for you.
The tension in the last few minutes of the film is ramped up until we get to witness the disaster in all it's breathtaking glory.
The music is great. Seattle in ruins looks spectacular too.
Yes, it could have been better, but it ticks all of the 'apocalypse' boxes. Just be prepared to go where the film takes you.
Ok, so I've edited this review to add that as they drive along the road at the end, you can see the eruption is over and losing its power. They survive and drive away.
How is that not an end to the film?