I'm a rare poster here at IMDb. Good movies? They get enough praise without me joining in the chorus. Average films? There's usually enough people on each side to adequately debate the pros and cons. But a film this ridiculously bad has, if nothing else, crossed whichever threshold is required to motivate me to reset my long forgotten IMDb login details and hopefully save some poor souls the 90 odd minutes of their lives, and (god forbid) their hard earned on a ticket.
It's so hard to know where to begin, so, as a wiser person than me once suggested, I will begin at the beginning. The acting, from the get go, is so wooden, unbelievable and shallow that not only did I not feel any connection to the characters, they were actually making me angry! Keanu is has always been pretty one dimensional, but he takes it to a new level with his performance here. In this role as a supposedly doting father, it felt like he has never spent more than five minutes around any kid. The wife was equally unconvincing and the kids were so bad they wouldn't get a role on a home-brand cola commercial. I did however quite like the Boston Terrier playing the role of the family pet, 'Monkey', and I feel like he did his best to carry this stinker, but with limited screen time there was only so much he could do.
Enter the 2 mysterious young women...who continue what has become the well established, by now 20 minute old tradition of corny, unconvincing Knock Knock performances.
The direction is lousy. I'm no film buff, but I watch enough of them. When I saw Eli Roth was the director in the opening credits, I said to my wife 'I think he has done some cool stuff'. Half way through this stinker I looked him up, and realised that, no...no he hasn't done anything even remotely decent in his entire career. A bit of shock horror in Hostel, a tenuous claim to fame at best, and then nothing. And his lack of talent is glaringly obvious here. I think I had confused him with a hybrid of Tim Roth and possibly Elijah Wood? I dunno...but Eli Roth shall forever more be the huge red flag he rightly is.
The story...let's call it a "story" for the sake of this review anyway. There's so much that could be said, so I'll simply say that it sucked in ways that few things have ever sucked before. It pioneers new ways to suck that modern scientific research in sucking are yet to even discover.
And the final cherry on this s#!t cake, was, after breaking my spirit and will to live, to break my heart to. Using the Pixies classic Where is My Mind as the closing track. Which the Pixies must have authorise...which defies comprehension. They made great money off their last tours, and allowed it to be used to close that all time classic Fight Club.
And so ends my review of this diabolically bad film. If I save one person the price of a ticket, or an hour an a half of their precious existence, it'll have all been worth it.
It's so hard to know where to begin, so, as a wiser person than me once suggested, I will begin at the beginning. The acting, from the get go, is so wooden, unbelievable and shallow that not only did I not feel any connection to the characters, they were actually making me angry! Keanu is has always been pretty one dimensional, but he takes it to a new level with his performance here. In this role as a supposedly doting father, it felt like he has never spent more than five minutes around any kid. The wife was equally unconvincing and the kids were so bad they wouldn't get a role on a home-brand cola commercial. I did however quite like the Boston Terrier playing the role of the family pet, 'Monkey', and I feel like he did his best to carry this stinker, but with limited screen time there was only so much he could do.
Enter the 2 mysterious young women...who continue what has become the well established, by now 20 minute old tradition of corny, unconvincing Knock Knock performances.
The direction is lousy. I'm no film buff, but I watch enough of them. When I saw Eli Roth was the director in the opening credits, I said to my wife 'I think he has done some cool stuff'. Half way through this stinker I looked him up, and realised that, no...no he hasn't done anything even remotely decent in his entire career. A bit of shock horror in Hostel, a tenuous claim to fame at best, and then nothing. And his lack of talent is glaringly obvious here. I think I had confused him with a hybrid of Tim Roth and possibly Elijah Wood? I dunno...but Eli Roth shall forever more be the huge red flag he rightly is.
The story...let's call it a "story" for the sake of this review anyway. There's so much that could be said, so I'll simply say that it sucked in ways that few things have ever sucked before. It pioneers new ways to suck that modern scientific research in sucking are yet to even discover.
And the final cherry on this s#!t cake, was, after breaking my spirit and will to live, to break my heart to. Using the Pixies classic Where is My Mind as the closing track. Which the Pixies must have authorise...which defies comprehension. They made great money off their last tours, and allowed it to be used to close that all time classic Fight Club.
And so ends my review of this diabolically bad film. If I save one person the price of a ticket, or an hour an a half of their precious existence, it'll have all been worth it.
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