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Spanglish (2004)
1/10
I'll never forgive my girlfriend...
16 January 2007
Warning: Spoilers
for dragging me to this estrogen-drowned disaster of a movie. Truly, this is one of the top three worst films I've ever seen. I am convinced that Adam Sandler must have been blackmailed somehow for him to appear in this dreck.

Begin with the oh-so-heartwrenching story of a single mother forced to flee her native land in search of a better future for her daughter. Of course, the daughter will end up attending Princeton and her entrance essay is the premise of the storytelling in this movie. Shaking your head in bewilderment? It gets better (worse, actually).

The dysfunctional family that the mother finds work with is possessed of a shrew of a father (the soft, unimposing and backbone-free Sandler) who is dominated by his overacting, speed freak-like, obsessive wife (Leoni), and round it out with a live-in, late-stage alcoholic mother-in-law (who of course, acts as a moral compass thanks to the wisdom gained by decades of squandering her life in a booze-soaked haze. Please!) and a few damaged, totally unbelievable kids. Viola, enough ammo for "drama" to make any menopausal woman salivate in anticipation of the impending deluge of emotional excess that comes with such movies.

The problem is, there is not one scene in the movie where the characters earn your empathy. If there was ever a point where the viewer was meant to wonder what was going to happen next, or what course of action a character might take, I missed it. I believe it would be impossible to find a point in the movie that was not spelled out and spoon-fed to the viewer in the most plain and predictable terms.

Another problem I have with this picture is the off-target promotion it received. It is not a comedy. I don't know what it is in terms of genre. Suicide-accelerant maybe? Since there are so many who love this movie, I'm sure that my review won't stop you if you want to see it. However, if your wife/girlfriend suggests you watch this movie, I urge you to spare yourself the agony you are sure to endure if you sit through this one. I warned you.
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1/10
Pretentious drivel...
15 January 2007
Zero stars.

This movie is the equivalent of the high school dork that returns from summer break with a slick new wardrobe, a cool car and looks the part of belonging to the in crowd. It's merely a mirage and sooner than later, the truth is revealed: the kid is still a dork (whether or not he grows up to be your boss is beside the point) and this movie is utter garbage.

If you are a fan of overly-witty yet totally brainless, dried up and "talk for the sake of talk" dialogue, then this movie is for you. There is nothing creative about it and the script alone is enough to sink the entire enterprise. If you like predictable, totally improbable and contrived plot elements that scream of filmmakers trying to prove that they are smarter than you, then they are, and the stupor you walk around in at all times will not be disturbed by this dim bulb of a train wreck.

Save your money. Instead of opting for "the best parts of Pulp Fiction, The Usual Suspects," and whatever other films this one was undeservedly compared to, see the others. This movie will insult your sensibilities. Or not. In which case, enjoy it and don't forget to wear your helmet.
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Basilisk: The Serpent King (2006 TV Movie)
10/10
My nomination for Best Screenplay
13 January 2007
As a veteran aficionado of the SciFi originals, I had my usual expectations going into "Basilisk". Laughable special effects, transparent characters and formulaic situations clumsily stumbled into by unwitting victims of the CGI beast-du-jour; all comprising a solidly entertaining and heartily enjoyable experience. While "Basilisk" dutifully fulfilled many of my preconceptions, I have to say that it was a cut well above the standard Saturday night fare.

This creature flick can rightfully take its place among such greats as "Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy" (Jeffery Combs can't make a bad movie), "Frankenfish" and many of the other SciFi offerings but I have to put "Basilisk" into its own category all together. The effects are of the same caliber as its worthy cousins, but I think that what lifts this one for me is the script. It is witty without being contrived and never leaves a slow moment or the feeling of awkwardness that comes with so many screenplays that try too hard to be hip (see: Lucky Number Slevin. Actually, don't see it, it's terrible). Cleavant Derricks does an outstanding job as the weekend warrior Colonel and his bantering exchanges with Jeremy London are the stuff of high theatrical art.

So all in all, this one is not to be missed. Next time SciFi decides to air it, set the TiVo and prepare to be entertained. You will not be sorry.
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