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Krempel_Soup
Reviews
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
The Botox Reunion: or How I Paid for my Summer Retirement House
This movie was just terrible.
I never moved seats in a cinema, but for respect of anyone (however unlikely) who may have enjoyed this Content Movie, my boyfriend and I - after "going out for a cigarette" - told our other friend we will "go". Which could be interpreted that we leave, which in hindsight maybe would have been wiser.
The first Matrix was colour graded green,
Resurrections however was almost the Ukrainian Flag as my boyfriend and I couldn't stop laughing about during the entire film. And it was borderline insulting how "otherness" was treated in this movie. Sorry ¯\_(~^~)_/¯.
The entire Berlin cinema burst into laughter when Berghain's logo was "tattooed" multiple times on the arm of some character whose name I cannot remember.
And at least our faces, along with Carrie-Anne Moss' (the only redeemable cast member from the original), were moving! Hopefully not to the total lack of nuance or subtext, and totally completely absolutely self aware intro which only made more aware the fact that this movie could have been so many other things, and oh - so much better. If only for the fact that the visual effects feel like iMovie vs ANY PROFESSIONAL OFF-LINE EDITING SUITE.
I think it is lucky our cinema sold wine, that Hugo Weaving had alleged "scheduling conflicts", and that the movie did in fact end.
Snowkissed (2021)
Avoid
This movie initiated an unquenchable desire in me to deep clean my entire apartment from bottom to top (mind and soul included). Marie Kondo would be proud of such an intense understanding that this movie does not bring joy.
A freelance writer in Manhattan (the "centre of the universe") almost refuses a job and possible full time position, due to a delusion that a world beyond hyper inflated realestate prices and wage slavery, doesn't exist.
Luckily the protagonist whose name I can't even remember, brings some books on her flight to {sponsored by Tourism Canada}, thus ensuring that she has knowledge/capital, such that when the energy bill for the immeasurable amount of Christmas lights (seen during the 120min Snowkissed drags on for) arrives in January, Mr {...} doesn't get too upset that her editor set up the entire catastrophic lobotomy of a meeting under the pretence of Trope #84.
Coffee Kart (2019)
Deus Ex Machina in the Uncanny Valley
I didn't go into this movie knowing it was a Christian film. If you ever went to church before, or had Christian education in school, then the christian elements are more or less ignorable (Until Deus Ex Machina basically saves all ¯\_(;)_/¯?).
What is less ignorable is the sloppy dialogue, reprehensible acting, and the Uncanny Valley feeling that invades the whole film. The sound of coins left on the bed alone; Schade....
Unless you love God, or want to experience Schadenfreude watching someone fail time and time again at basic life skills; in ridiculous montages.. then look somewhere else for something watch.
Save Yourself!
Entangled (2019)
With all the emotion of a Text-to-Speech Program..
To be completely honest, I'm not sure if the entirety of the script itself is destined only for the shredder, but it is nigh on impossible to seperate the bulk of the text from Ana Giradot's Text-to-Speech, circa 2007 performance.
If you are reading this review while watching the film, just as I am writing it, and wondering if you should continue until the end, don't. Save yourself the trouble and turn it off. In order to try and keep myself from slowly becoming lobotomised by Entagled's unrelenting flatness; I ruminated over the fact that the film sounds like it was written by a man (it wasn't), that the premise in and of itself is sound- though unfortunately not followed through in execution, that one doesn't just "..are you still drinking tequila?", that our protagonist Marin should probably search for a better therapist, that Marin likes to wear a full face of make up at all times of day, that it could be a conspiracy that Marin's name sounds so suspiciously close to " Maryin' " 🤷♂️, that maybe Ana Giradot learnt the script phonetically: hence the complete lack of understanding of the melody of English?.. the list goes on.....
Until the film finished...
and I had to lobotomise myself to remove the memory of this film from my brain. There are much better films out there that are successful at what this film tries to be... really don't waste the time.
The Halloween Family (2019)
Just Avoid.
I honestly believe "The Halloween Family" could be used to mentally impede the development of any viewer unlucky enough to be subjected to the film in its entirety. And if not at least physically reducing the amount of brain activity present in the viewer, then playing this film on a 24/7 loop, could at minimum, be used as a form of torture at Guantanamo Bay, or a a similar CIA/CPC black site. This film is better just avoided.