lordkrythic's Reviews

The Witch: Part 2 - The Other One (2022)

6/10

19 July 2022

That's really all I have to say. I could sit here and enumerate a dozen, if not more, reasons why this movie profoundly lacks the magic of the first one, but I find myself a little exhausted after being disappointed by it. I still rate it a 6/10. It was a good watch. Lots of over the top gore and anime style action. However, the movie seems keen on cramming in all these new characters with powers, and in the end it sort of invalidates the original girl's powers as a whole. If everyone is special, then no one is special.

Too many little stories are crammed into the runtime of this movie, and I think that's where it inevitably fell short. The acting, cinematography, etc, is all absolutely stunning from a visual standpoint. I think it was really just the overall script that held it back from capturing that same lightening in a bottle as the first movie.

I kept asking myself "who are these people?" "Wait, why are these two people fighting?" "Why isn't she already butchering everyone?"

What I really and truly hope for, is that now that this lore and origin story is out of the way, that the third movie will hit with a massive bang, and really justify the existence of the second movie.

If you liked the first movie, you might be a little let down by this one. Maybe not. I was, but I'm still looking forward to the third and final movie.

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Shelter in Place (III) (2021)

1/10

There was potential, but then there was nothing

14 September 2021

I watched this about a week before it came out. Been sitting here waiting to give this movie one star, which was only available to do so today, as it was the official release date.

This movie is bad. And I mean really bad. So bad it hurts because you realize you could have been doing anything better than wasting your time watching it. If you spent money on this movie, then great job getting clowned, because at least I didn't give them a single penny. You on the other hand have to live with the fact that you wasted actual money on it! Haha! Scream into that pillow for me later tonight when you try to sleep.

There was some great build up in this movie, and then the ending just sort of happens. Why is it happening? Oh, you're going to love the non-excuse they give, which amounts to the degenerate "Somehow Palpatine has returned" line from the recent Star wars dumpster fire.

Look, in short, because I don't want to spoil it and have my review hidden, this movie is not a movie. It's just something that people happened to film over the course of a week or whatever, and then somehow managed to actually string it all together. The scenes make no sense together. There is not real plot because the way it was filmed was nothing more than random scenes that could narrowly be spliced together to form a modicum of coherency.

Do not waste your time, and do your duty and give this movie the 1 star it deserves. I imagine the creators are going to see this, and I just wanted to say directly to them, "This is a cry for help; you lack serious skill and talent. I would say you should probably just get used to the idea of working at McDonalds, but I would be concerned if I saw you making my food."

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Werewolves Within (2021)

6/10

Really not bad, but it certainly has flaws

5 July 2021

I have to say up front, I did enjoy this movie. It's better than most things that have been coming out recently. I'm really not a fan of this new age dead-pan style humor that they're trying to inject into everything though. It doesn't come off as funny or smart. It's actually pretty annoying. The Tomorrow War also had this sort of humor in it, as well. It seems to be a growing trend with movies nowadays, and I'm really not a fan of it.

The acting and story was decent. Like I said, it's better than most movies that I've seen lately. There is a slight twist at the end, but you can honestly guess it pretty easily. I wouldn't say that diminishes it in any capacity though, and should not be construed as doing so. If you're looking for a quality movie to blow some time with, this is certainly it. Be warned though, there exists a glaring negative attribute here, and it is as follows.

I would say the biggest thing weighing down an otherwise great movie, is quite simply the toxic and entirely regressive leftist politics that were injected into it. They make a blatant reference to draconian "gender constructs" in this, and many other things that align themselves with that sort of corrosive political leanings. Like other movies that have come out in the past decade, this completely ruins it. It's really sad, to be honest, to see a movie of this caliber being brought down to such a level. Normalizing mental disorders is never acceptable, especially for people who need actual help.

I'm rating this movie a 6. It's decent. You will enjoy it. It's just really depressing that its otherwise pristine waters were muddied by misplaced politics. People just want to watch movies, not be lectured.

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Babysitter Must Die (2020)

5/10

So much potential

23 June 2021

I'm rating this movie a 5. I want to give it higher. I really do, because I enjoyed it. It was a good movie. However, there was truthfully so much unrealized potential here, and I think that's what bothered me the most about it. I wanted it to be better. I wanted it to be more. I wanted it to be longer. I wanted the babysitter to kick more butt. I wanted her to be this unstoppable force. Maybe they will make a sequel, and maybe it will be everything that I wanted this movie to be.

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First Lady (2020)

1/10

Laws need to be passed to prevent this from happening again...

17 February 2020

I believe very heavily in freedom of speech, and the right to self expression. However, we must accept that none of our rights are unlimited, and that includes the art of making movies. Notice I said "art", because that's an imperitivate word in this.

This movie is everything that's wrong with movies in the modern era. Movies that all follow the same cookie-cutter pattern of beginning narration/exposition, character lied/discovered/fallout, then the reuniting before the final climax of the movie. It's all the same. And this movie...if you even dare to call it that, follows the same principles.

It is a non-movie. A slideshow of lazily spliced together scenes with garbage acting, belligerent story, and an overall meaningless existence. Movies that are this bad, simply should not be allowed to exist. We NEED "Common Sense Movie Laws", as Liberals and Democrats love to say about things they don't understand.

The scripts of movies should be peer-reviewed by exterior people, and thoroughly reviewed from start to finish. If it fails ANY review during this process, it should be immediately terminated. I know budget is not an appropriate metric for the worth of a movie, but it should still be considered in the formula for allowing a movie to be made.

If the script is bad, actors terrible, and the budget low, the movie SHOULD NOT BE MADE. In fact, it should be entirely illegal, and punishable by prison time, for all who were involved in its creation. There is no excuse for allowing our first amendment to be defecated all over, and that's what movies like this do to it. This is bad. It's not just bad for those who watch it, but it's very existence is destructive to all of humanity.

We need to make sure this never happens again. We, as humans, capable of immeasurable creation and abstract thought, deserve better than this. If you watch this, and enjoyed it, may god have mercy upon your soul, because you're truly lost to society.

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Ralph Breaks the Internet (2018)

1/10

A complete perversion of the original

3 August 2019

This would have been a great opportunity for a kids movie to bring up the possibility of having unrealistic dreams and expectations about life. Instead, they needed to completely butcher Vanellope as a character, abandon her friends, and seek out a dream that is completely unrealistic for her. In the first movie, it is expressed that Ralph is necessary for their game to function. Without it, it's incomplete. Vanellope is the same way in her game. She is an integral actor to it. Without her present within the game she would be condemning all other characters in the game to being shut down. Let's also not forget that Vanellope does not belong in the new game, which she wants to be a part of. If that game gets shut down, then she dies. If she dies in the game, she's also dead forever.

The creators dropped the ball big time on this movie. They should have instead conveyed the premise of unrealistic dreams, and how Vanellope was where she needed to be all along. Instead, she left everyone behind to fulfill her selfish desires.

1/10.

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X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)

1/10

Further evidence this franchise has died.

11 June 2019

Let's be honest right now. X-Men as a series has died. The last few movies, really starting at the third X-Men movie, really dropped off and started to clash lore wise. All the character recasting also didn't help. And now that Hugh Jackman is done playing wolverine, the series really has no where to go. Stop trying to breathe life into a carcass. Do yourself a favor, and let this franchise go dormant for at least 10-20 years, then do a reboot. I mean, you had to literally go back in time and retcon every other movie just to try and fix the lore that all your writers screwed up. That is evidence enough of how poorly this franchise was handled. Let it go. Really. And when you decide to pick it back up again, make sure you map out and have a cohesive story ready to go. One that you can't possibly screw up three movies in.

If anyone likes these movies, it's honestly because they're dumb. They have no idea what makes a movie a movie, and they don't even care about what they're watching. They have the IQ of Tree Frogs and just want pretty colors to be flashed at them. That's what this movie provides. Pretty colors for the ignorant masses.

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The Secret Life of Pets 2 (2019)

1/10

Nothing Happens

31 May 2019

That is the best review I can give, right there in the title. There was an actual plot in the first movie. This is just a series of events, with really no cohesion at all. I guess this is what happens when they just want to make something to collect easy revenue. It's just unfortunate that they writers didn't really care about the movie.

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The Dead Don't Die (2019)

1/10

A severe example of false advertising in trailers.

29 May 2019

Warning: Spoilers

The trailer of this movie honestly belies the state of the actual movie. If you watch the trailer, it attempts to convey a more action oriented approach, with aspects of comedy that are quite synonymous with Zombie movies in recent times. However, the movie itself is nowhere like the trailer attempted to portray it as. Everything in the movie is slow, dull, and seems to just be meandering its way through scenes. Watching it, you really want to like it. You're thinking to yourself that the build up is going to be worth it. However, the more of it you watch, you will begin to feel as though the movie is not going to change, and it doesn't. The entire movie is extremely blah from start to finish.

At first, as I've already stated, this was not necessarily a bad thing. I enjoy a build up as much as anyone else. And when one of the officers say "It's zombies", you sort of laugh about it, because you as a viewer know they're right. You expect the other characters to laugh at the person who said it. But this is not what happens. In fact, everyone in the town immediately assumes zombies, without having actually seen a zombie themselves. The police officers also visit a nearby graveyard to inspect the local graves...again, they have no reason to believe it's actually zombies. No one has seen a zombie up until that point, and no logical person would ever immediately jump to the conclusion of zombies. If this was the purpose of the movie-to convey a sense of vertigo-it was done poorly by the end of the movie. I cannot stress that enough.

There are also two major 4th wall breaks. The first of which, you don't quite register what the person is talking about. So when they say "It's the theme song", you wonder to yourself are they actually talking about the movie? Is this something that will be explained later? Surely they wouldn't break the 4th wall like that...and then you see the second 4th wall break, where one of the police officers literal states "He knows how the movie ends, because he read the script". Even though I'm all for clever 4th wall breaks, this one honestly urinated me off (bypassing language filter), because it showed just how much the director of the movie didn't care about the movie itself. Immersion broken 100%, and not in a good way.

Did I mention they throw in random alien cameos? No? Well, they do. And it honestly had absolutely no place in this film. Nothing was explained in this film. Absolutely nothing. Why is it perpetual day, and then suddenly night? Something about the Earth's Tilt, any further questions? Screw you. Why is the dead coming back to life? Again, screw you. Why was someone in the town secretly an alien? Screw you. What was the point of the alien in the police station? Screw you. There are so many things wrong with this script that I honestly couldn't convey them all here if I tried.

If you watch this movie, go back and watch the trailer again. The trailer is a 100% different movie. And I'm personally wondering how no one is getting a lawsuit for false advertising after something like that.

TL;DR

The trailer blatantly lied about the content and pace of the movie. This movie is nothing but lost potential. It doesn't know what it wants to be, and has no idea of realizing what it wants to be.

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Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)

1/10

You can really tell they weren't trying

18 June 2018

In the first couple of minutes of this movie you can tell how much effort were willing to put into it. The bullet special effects are ridiculous; like something you would see in a very low budget television show, and there is even a part where someone (I seriously can't remember a single persons name from this movie) gets electrocuted and I actually laughed when I saw the special effects for the electricity. There is simply no excuse for how poor the effects are, I really want to stress that because it's freaking 2018 for crying out loud. CGI should be practically indistinguishable from reality at this point in time. However, what we get instead is a complete backwards tumble to CGI from the year 2000.

But enough about the effects. Let's talk about the movie itself. The entire thing is expositional. Each scene exists in a linear fashion and serves no other purpose than to terribly propel the plot. There is no downtime for character progression. There is no progression. There is just "I guess we need to put a scene here, so let's just regurgitate the first thing that comes to our mind." Half this movie is over before you even realize it. It's like a machine gun firing on full auto in terms of how fast the scenes are presented to the viewer. It's almost like the creators wanted the scenes to go by quickly just to keep people from noticing how crappy the story is-or keep them from realizing there is no story. "These people need to fight each other for REASONS, why? Shut your mouth and give us your money!

Look, I enjoyed the first movie. I thought it was actually a decent film. However, I really don't know what the hell happened in this. I even jokingly predicted that the next movie was going to be in Outer Space, and apparently that actually turned out to be true, because it's already in development. That's not a good thing. I shouldn't be able to jokingly predict your next move, while thinking of the stupidest idea that I possibly can. The fact that I was correct about it, is just an insult to your intelligence as writers and directors.

Giving this a 1/10 and no that's not at all harsh. This movie should not exist. And until someone can explain to me why it does exist, my rating will stay at a 1.

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Selfie from Hell (2018)

1/10

Unnecessary Amounts of Jumpscares

21 February 2018

I guess I should go ahead and admit that I did not finish watching this movie. I made it about a quarter of the way through it before realizing the type of movie that it was, and at the same time, understanding that it was a waste of my time.

There is quite literally, and I could not make this up if I tried, a jump scare every minute to two minutes. And they aren't even well executed jump scares, either. If you watch a lot of movies you will probably agree with me that jump scares do not equate to good horror. It's a cheap way to get a reaction out of people. To be honest, only one of them got me, and the rest were just more and more annoying than the last. I stopped watching simply because they started to annoy me.

It's quite possible that this is exactly what the directors and writers were going for in this movie, to capitalize on the "selfie and jump scare fad", and that's why they are so ubiquitous throughout the movie. It's almost like they actually made sub-notes in the script that said "we don't know what to do here, so just add another jump scare and maybe no one will notice the lack of a storyline". The movie really is that bad, and quite frankly, I guess it's sort of my fault, because I went into a movie called "Selfie From Hell" and expected something a little bit existential.

I really don't know. Would I recommend this to a friend? No. Should you watch this? I would honestly say no, as well. And if you feel the need to watch it, at least do so on a free movie platform like Solarmovie or something similar. But certainly don't give these people any money, because they don't deserve it.

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Downsizing (2017)

1/10

A Movie That Goes Absolutely Nowhere.

27 December 2017

I just watched this movie, and I did this without watching any previous trailers, etc. Honestly, I didn't even know what it was about until a few minutes before hand. The general idea that I got was: "Shrinking People". Sounded ok, I mean, there's a lot of ways they can go with something like that.

The problem with this movie is that it doesn't go anywhere at all. After the first surprise, the movie just kind of trails off into nothingness. I think they were trying to be existential, but honestly, this movie just does not carry the kind of weight they were aiming for. This movie is meaningless. There was a plot at the very beginning, but as I watched the movie I kept staring down at my watch and gradually began to realize that it was running out of time to "make something interesting happen". And that's my point, that thing never happens. Nothing happens. I'm giving this movie a 1, but I don't think it even deserves that.

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Clowntergeist (2017)

1/10

Just a Mockbuster

12 September 2017

Warning, this review is more of a rant.

This movie is clearly a Mockbuster that is coinciding with the release of the new Stephen King It movie. Watching the trailer itself plainly displays the directors lack of creativity and originality, and like many wannabe directors/writers, he chooses instead to piggyback off of higher budget movies. This makes the director/creators, by it's very definition, a parasite. And quite honestly, I don't understand the logic. You want to be a director/writer and make movies, but you can't think of and create your own content? Clearly, this movie serves more along the lines as a cry for help than anything else. This entire situation would be different if the movie served as a sort of parody of the "It" franchise, but it's clear that it doesn't; the movie tries to take itself very seriously, thus infringing on copyright and intellectual property.

I rated this movie a 1/10, and I highly suggest that if you appreciate movies and respect the art that they inherently stand for, that you also do the same.

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Stage Fright (2017 TV Movie)

1/10

Lacks Everything That Comprises Even The Most Basic Movies.

29 July 2017

You can't watch this movie and expect anything existential to come from it. It's a made-for-TV movie with an extremely low budget. I actually watched this movie only because I was mistaken about what I was clicking on. I meant to watch a different movie with the same name, and only realized about thirty minutes into it that it was the wrong movie. To be short and concise, this movie simply lacks everything that makes a movie a movie. The story is practically non- existent; the lead actor sounds like she is reading from a teleprompter that explicitly flashes (Show no emotion) while she reads it, and none of the other characters are in any way memorable or gripping. You have no reason to care about anyone in this movie.

The worst part however, is that there is no mystery about who the killer is. In fact, you're blatantly told who it is. There is no twist at the end, there is no secret, there's just nothing. It all plays out like an on-the-rails children's ride at some low budget amusement park.

I have nothing nice to say about this movie because it has zero redeeming qualities.

1/10 Do not watch it, and in case you were fooled like me, no, this is not the 2014 Stage Fright movie(which this film evidently stole it's name from)

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Martian Land (2015 Video)

1/10

Embarrassingly bad.

10 October 2015

This movie had about the same budget as any given old-school Power Rangers episode, but with worse acting and even worse special effects. I feel sorry for the creators of it, because they seriously lack talent at what they do. Asylum has a long history of shitty movies, and quite honestly, I don't how how they can afford to keep making garbage like this. All of the actors were disinterested in their roles, and you could almost read the "man this movie is crap, when do I get paid?" expression on their faces. As for the script itself...if you were to give a child a box of crayons and a handful of paint, I promise they could create a better script than this. It's truly embarrassing that this movie even passed the brainstorming stages.

1/10

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