Reviews

Invasion U.S.A. (1985) is a mess in its own absurdity. It's an idiotic movie meant to be a star vehicle for Chuck Norris. Not one minute did I believe in anything that was happening on the screen. Not one.

The movie stars Chuck Norris as a former agent who is recruited to take down a vicious terrorist leader named Rostov, whose intent is to bring total anarchy upon America by blowing things that have an American-style image to them, such as churches, shopping malls and neighborhoods.

This includes a really vile scene in which his gang use bazookas to destroy a suburban neighborhood.

The movie was co-written by Norris and his brother, Aaron, a stunt coordinator for Lone Wolf and Code of Silence. Those movies at least had thrilling action sequences, and interesting characters. Invasion U.S.A. movie is full of plot holes, one-dimension characters, continuity errors, and lots of violence.

Norris is wooden as his action hero, who only arrives when needed. Here, he arrives at the place of the action, sports a one-liner or two, outsmarts the bad guys, and then blows them away. He has very little dialogue in this movie, much like Charles Bronson in the Death Wish sequels. Let's face it: he's just a mindless symbol of violence.

The movie even attempts to make an invisible figure; Like a horror movie character, one moment, the bad guys'll see him, but when they turn away, he's gone just like that. It works in some of his films, but here, it's been overused and it's just plain ridiculous.

Melissa Prophet plays the movie's most annoying and thankless character, though, a loud, foul-mouthed reporter, who stands around at the scenes of all the many violent crimes in this movie, snapping photographs and being angry. There is no depth to this character, she's just the token female sidekick who also comes when needed.

The movie was made Cannon Films, which sometimes made good movies and more often made a lot of bad ones. Their marketing ploy was that a big-time action star will help their movies make millions. It's the same attempt that destroyed Charles Bronson's career and Chuck Norris seemed to following in the same footsteps. I would choose an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger over this any day.

Rawhead Rex (1986) is proof that filmmakers can lack any sense of creativity given a low budget and a list of unknowns to make a movie. The film's scriptwriter, Clive Barker, has every right to be disappointed at the final result.

A monster known as Rawhead is resurrected from his underground prison and decides to wreak bloody havoc on an Irish countryside by killing and eating the town's residents. It's up to a visiting American father (David Dukes) to convince the police that a monster is really on the loose.

There's not a shred of creativity or believability to be found within its characters (but at least a group of dumb teenagers know it's not right to go out in the woods alone). The characters are dumb and boring and the monster is just what it looks like: a deformed rubber ape with glowing red lights in its eyes to show that it's angry. Compared to the other terrifying movie monsters of our time, Rawhead Rex is one that stoops at the bottom of the barrel.

What's laughable is the story and its crucial plot points. Be amazed at how the cops discover that there's really a monster on a rampage. The baffling ending involving cheesy special effects. And oh, you can't forget this one: a scene in which the monster literally urinates on a priest who worships him.

The death scenes are hardly creative. They make the ones in the Freddy and Jason movies look like art.

Not a lot of resources went into this movie and it shows. If I could, I would name a lot of low-budget films that are more better than this one. Some come in mind, though. How about the one where Clive Barker took the director's chair a year later?

****NOTE: Referring to the Unrated Version****

A retired military commando (Dale Murphy) decides to host a reality show, where the young participants are challenged to survive in a remote West Virginia wasteland. Little do they know that the woods is home to a breed of deformed cannibalistic hillbillies, who are picking them off one by one.

I don't think I have anything good to say about Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007), and why would I? Here is a movie that is so sick and cynical in its relentless violence and torture scenes, that it led me to the hearts of the filmmakers. Why was this movie even made?!

The characters are, more or less, the usual set of teenagers we've seen in countless other horror movies, from the jock, the womanizer, the "odd girl" who could care less, and the spoiled brat. But imagine the sick message this movie has for its teen viewers: The primary function of teens is to be hacked to death, no matter what their dreams and hopes are.

I enjoy a good horror movie sometimes. Some have a plot, some don't, and of course, there are ones that about as bad as this one.

The original film, while not a great one, was at least atmospheric and suspenseful. Wrong Turn 2, on the other hand, is 90 minutes of teenagers being introduced and then being stabbed, tortured impaled, chopped up, and mutilated. It's like watching a film written by a perverted scriptwriter. That's all this movie is. It is just mindless, bloody violence. I felt guilty just watching this movie.

And by not giving too much away, the movie opens doors for another sequel. Someone should tell them they've already taken the bucket to the cesspool by making this one.

PTU File: Death Trap (2005) is a 90+ minute action flick that runs like a soap opera, and that's not a good thing. Worst of all, it throws in all of the cop movie clichés from the book.

The multiple story lines all lead to the big finale in which a gang holds a medical center hostage. Before this occurs, we meet a bunch of characters, who will be affected by the event.

Yeung Fong Fong (Kristy Yang), is a PTU officer, who thinks her husband Ka Ho, a doctor, is eyeing his friend and partner; Rebecca (Anya) is an undercover cop trying to helping her police superior, Wong (Michael Wong) catch a merchant known as Yu Fei; four friends try to make it in the music business, but they need money fast; there's a femme fatale, Mei Wai (Hanabi Kim) added into the mix (I wish there were more ideas done with this character).

There are so many clichés in PTU File: Death Trap, such as the undercover cop who is promised out but the superior holds her back, the hostage situation in which crucial characters are given big moments, and the idiotic high police official who will eventually pull the hero off the case.

The movie is co-written and directed by Tony Leung Hung-Wah (you'd think the movie credits would make some of distinction from the other Tony Leungs out there). The fight sequences involving our heroines are watchable. It's during the fights and the finale when PTU File: Death Trap does really comes alive and becomes what it wants to be: an action movie chick flick.

There's even a car chase in which a hostage, a fat woman throws up on everybody. Did we really need to see that? I wanted to watch the chase, but I was put off by all the vomiting.

The shootouts are horribly edited. I mean, look at the shootout with Michael Wong and his crew. The CGI is so lazily done, it almost looks cartoonish.

Another one of the movie's redeeming values are the film's three heroines who all look cute, but that's all they have going for them. The performances are horrible, and since there's so many things going on in this movie, it's hard to care.

There's a reference to Infernal Affairs II, in which a bad guy is given a "legal" copy of the film. Later the DVD is crushed to bits by a car. Watching that happen, I was deeply offended since I think that Infernal Affairs II is a much superior film than this low-budget fare.

A serial killer known as The Cross-Killer is lurking the streets of Hong Kong, castrating his male victims one by one. The catch is that the victims are clients of Kim, a local pimp (Anthony Wong Chau-Sang), who decides to team up with Cuba Koo (Michael Wong Man Tak), a cop with a tragic past. Meanwhile, the pimp's stepdaughter, Cee (Astrid Chan), falls for Mao, a nerdy loser who serves lunch at the local police station. She later decides to prostitute herself in order to help her step-dad pay money-hungry loan sharks.

But the question remains: Who exactly is The Cross-Killer?

Violent Cop (2000)--not to be ever mistaken with the 1990 Takeshi Kitano action classic--is a movie that grabs your attention until midway through when the identity of the killer is then predictable.

Yes, Michael Wong speaks English and 40% Cantonese, but I do admit that he does have screen presence as an actor, and here he is believable.

Although this is not exactly his best film, Anthony Wong continues to prove he's one of Hong Kong's most versatile actors.

Both actors are Eurasian, and the main highlight of the film involves a funny scene in which the two Wongs speak in fluent English, as they try to convince a British police superior to keep them on the case.

Astrid Chan is cute, sexy and likable as Cee, but in the end she winds up being the obligatory damsel in distress.

There are more clichés, such as the cop forced to hand in his badge, the vengeful loan sharks of evil and The Talking Killer. But Violent Cop did not bore me. It's an entertaining experience. There's enough here to grab your attention, even when it explores a killer with religious beliefs.

This is an immoral and reprehensible piece of garbage, that no doubt wants to be a Friday the 13th (1980) clone. The poster for this movie makes it look like there's going to be some sort of a cross between Jason and Freddy, which is likely to attract movie-goers. There is NOTHING good or entertaining about this movie about this movie. It just makes me sad, just thinking that some people are going to stumble upon Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988) on video or DVD, and waste their time with this sad, cynical, depressing movie.

Angela Baker (Pamela Springsteen) is a camp counselor at Camp Rolling Hills, who hopes that the other campers are as nice as she is, and that they stay out of trouble. Meanwhile, the other campers are realizing that people are disappearing one by one, with Angela making up the excuse that she had to send them home. Could Angela be the killer, who was once a man, who underwent a sex change operation years earlier? Who knows? Who cares?

The 1980s was home to a lot of movies that made the cross between the Mad Slasher and Dead Teenager genres, in which a mad killer goes berserk. Some have a plot, some don't, but they're all about as bad as this one. Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers is 80 minutes of teenagers being introduced and then being stabbed, strangled, impaled, chopped up, burned alive, and mutilated. That's all this movie is. It is just mindless, bloody violence.

Watching this movie, I was reminded of the Friday the 13th movies, in which the message for its viewers was that the primary function of teenagers is to be hacked to death. The filmmakers of Sleepaway Camp II have every right to be ashamed of themselves. Imagine the sick message that this movie offers for its teen viewers: "The world is a totally evil place," this movie tells you, " and it'll kill you. It doesn't matter what your dreams or your hopes are. It doesn't matter if you have a new boyfriend, or a new girlfriend. It doesn't matter what you think, what you do or what your plans for the future are. You can forget those plans, because you're just going to wind up dead."

And the sickest thing is--and by not giving too much away--the movie simply sets up room for a sequel. Well, why not? They've probably and already taken the bucket to the cesspool by making three or four of these movies. I missed out on the original Sleepaway Camp (1983), and, after watching its first sequel, I will hopefully stay away from the other sequels, as well as the original. And for parents, if you know kids who actually LIKE this movie, do not let them date your children.

Junior Healy (Michael Oliver) is back with his "dad," Ben (John Ritter), and this time they move to a small town known as Mortville, which, to them, looks like a decent place to live in. Young women leave their husbands/boyfriends and line up in front of Ben's doorstep, all falling victim to Junior's menacing ways. As Junior tries to adjust to his new school, he meets his match in the form of Trixie (Ivyann Shawann), a bratty little girl, who shares Junior's knacks for trouble-making. Ben falls in love with the school nurse (Amy Yasbeck), who turns out to be Trixie's mother.

I wasn't a big fan of Problem Child (1990), nor am I interested in its sequel, Problem Child 2 (1991). There is no excuse for the kids in these movies to wreak havoc on adults. There used to be a time when kids weren't supposed to attack adults in movies. Now, apparently, everybody laughs when a kid plays with a grill and blows another guy away. And some of the kid's attempts to getting back at adults isn't funny- -it's crude, sometimes disgusting, and even life-threatening.

And, yes, we do see Junior's trouble-making ways-- he seems to know a lot about setting the barbecue to explode. He also scares off the women willing to go out with Ben, tapes the teenage school bully to a chalkboard, and he even videotapes--and broadcasts--his babysitter and her boyfriend having sex. Even a scene where a man drinks a cup of urine is deemed funny.

And what is so funny about Junior playing with the controls of a roller coaster ride while the passengers and even their parents from below end up vomiting all over the place? All of this belongs in another movie, NOT a kids' movie.

But kids will probably find this stuff funny. They will no doubt see this movie which is being marketed as a "family comedy"(in spite of the MPAA's PG-13 rating), and root for Junior Healy. But I didn't. I did not see him as an innocent child, but as a destructive, vengeful monster. Adults will groan in despair.

Larraine Newman has an over-the-top role as LaWanda Dumore, who wants to marry Ben and knows of Junior's evil ways. She wants to get rid of Junior by sending him to boarding school. She is a bitch on heels. Her sole purpose in this movie is to create a villain in the tradition of Cruela De Vil.

The only person who manages to steal the show is Jack Warden who also returns as Ben's father.

The Problem Child series is an embarrassment to the late John Ritter and Michael Oliver. One may even ask why Oliver's parents would allow their child to play to such a nasty and vile character. And Ivyann Shawann is so annoying as Trixie, you have the feeling that she was only cast to give Junior a cohort in his trouble-making ways. I also didn't buy the preachy subplot about a big, large rock that might be able to make dreams come true.

This movie may have been funny when you were a kid, but as an adult or parent, you'll probably be sometimes shocked at what is being depicted on the screen.

It's obnoxiousness two times around.

A thought came up to me as I was watching Hard to Kill (1990). After I watched the film, I was reminded of the Kill Bill movies, and I wondered if Hard to Kill's plot inspired Quentin Tarantino to make the series. It looks so. Both Hard to Kill, and the two Kill Bill movies are all revenge pictures, but with two very different characters. Both characters are shot dead and put into a coma, and both wake up several years later to exact revenge on their enemies. And while I prefer the bloody entertaining Kill Bill movies more, I will say that Hard to Kill is a mildly entertaining action flick.

The film stars Steven Seagal, who plays L.A. cop Mason Storm, who videotapes a mobster being contracted by thugs to kill someone. Storm can't get a clear image of the man who has hired the mobster, but recognizes the voice. But then Storm is caught, and a hit is put on him. More thugs are sent to his home, where they kill him and his wife and kid.

But there's a catch. Storm isn't quite dead, but in a coma, and after seven years, he wakes up in a hospital, where the thugs arrive to finish him off. How they manage to find out that he's alive and well is unknown to me. Storm manages to save himself and a cute nurse, Andy Stewart (Kelly LeBrock), and they decide to take shelter in Andy's cottage, where Storm heals himself by inserting fine needles into his skin, and practices his Aikido.

He soon realizes that a corrupt senator (William Sadler) put the hit on him, and he decides to take him down, along with a crooked cop (Andrew Bloch) who's involved in the scheme.

Seagal is effective here as the cop-turned-crusader, but his character is less convincing, than his Nico Toscani in his earlier feature film, Above the Law (1988). Perhaps, the best fight sequence happens at a liquor store robbery where Seagal takes on four thugs.

There are some strong performances, from the supporting actors. But Kelly LeBrock, who gets second billing, needed more in her role as the nurse, but it is quite obvious that she was placed into the film, because she was Seagal's wife at the time. We don't get to know much about her character, and we almost feel like she has a thankless role here.

William Sadler is hateful in his role as the corrupt senator and Frederick Coffin is convincing as Seagal's ex-partner who holds something dear to Seagal. Something I feel I should not reveal.

Hard to Kill is not up to par with the earlier Above the Law, or Under Siege (1992). Seagal's first two films were good efforts, but then he shifted down to less enjoyable roles in movies, that considered placing large amounts of graphic violence and martial arts combat into his movies, in order for them to become a big hits, like his later film, Marked for Death (1990).

Hard to Kill works as an entertainment (the martial arts sequences are convincing), in spite of its preposterous plotting (hero wakes up in a coma and defeats the bad guys). It's mildly entertaining, but compared to some of his worst efforts, it's one of Seagal's best.

I am getting sick and tired of these rappers becoming actors and making bad movies. First it was Romeo Must Die (2000), then it was the mildly entertaining Exit Wounds (2001) and now it's Cradle 2 the Grave (2003), all produced by Joel Silver (and directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak). Here is a movie that is on autopilot and overdrive at the same time; it does nothing original, but does it very rapidly.

DMX plays Tony, whose last name sounds like fate, but is spelled "Fait." But the film gives us no clue as to how it is written. Fait and his cohorts (Gabrielle Union, Anthony Anderson) break into an L.A. diamond vault in a attempt to a steal a couple of black diamonds. But their caper is interrupted by Su (Jet Li), a Taiwanese cop. Then, bad guys (led by Mark Dacascos) kidnap Fait's beloved daughter, while trying to make an exchange for the stolen diamonds, which are actually a superweapon, which would probably bring down the cost of the weapons of mass destruction.

There are some interesting moments in Cradle 2 the Grave, such as when Fait goes to revisit an old friend (Chi McBride) in prison. This isn't your typical prisoner. He has a luxury cell, where prison guards deliver him mail, while his prison buddy makes his fresh lobster.

It also goes for homophobic jokes, and assumes that security guards are very slow learners. Gabrielle Union enters an L.A. building to hit on the male receptionist, who turns out to be gay. So, plan B is to send in Anthony Anderson to flirt on him. When two people try to pick you up in 10 minutes and you're a security guard on duty, do you suspect anything?

Jet Li has done a lot of bad American action films in the past, and here he proves that he is walking into Steven Seagal territory, and his dialogue is flat and amateurish. DMX is dull, loud and boring as the hero, and Gabrielle Union has a thankless role here, except to impress the audience with a striptease scene, while engaging in a cat-fight with Kelly Hu as one of the villains, who sole purpose is to slap the kid around, and keep her locked up in an old, rusty van.

Anthony Anderson and Tom Arnold re-team in another Joel Silver-produced film, and they redeem themselves during the end credits where they decide to make a film about their adventures. Although, it seems ad-libbed, it is a scene that is smart, self-aware and funny in ways that the movie is not.

Like Romeo Must Die and Exit Wounds before it, Cradle 2 the Grave is more than one big action picture. It's a big advertisement for popular and rising rappers. While the film is littered with non-stop violence, rap music drones in the background, distracting the viewer. And one has yet to wonder just what exactly the title is referring to. Maybe the filmmakers thought that it was a cool title that will lure in audiences. Whether you find the title cool or not, Cradle 2 the Grave is one of the worst movies of the year.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003) has a promising premise: two cult legends duke it out in a fight to the finish. But the problem is not Freddy or Jason, it's the acting. The film is filled with lame characters who take up the screen time with a goofy subplot. It isn't long before they're killed off by the two title characters.

Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) has been long forgotten by the new generation of teenagers living on Elm Street. He wants his name back in the headlines, and in order to do so, he must awaken Jason Vorhees (Ken Kirzinger) and manipulate him to go a rampage on Elm Street, in order to regain his power.

Freddy gets mad when Jason steals a few of his chosen victims, which sets-up two all-out battles between the two horror legends: one in Freddy's world of nightmare and the other at Camp Crystal Lake. Meanwhile a group of teens are stuck in the middle of the conflict, trying to rid of Freddy and Jason.

The acting from the co-stars is the film's weakest link. The heroes (Monica Keena, Jason "son of John" Ritter, Kelly Rowland, and Christopher George Marquette, to name a few) refuse to shut up and add nothing new to the plot, except for a subplot involving sleep-inducing pills. I just didn't seem to care for them. And unbelievably, the actors have more screen presences than that of Jason and Freddy.

Director Ronny Yu fills the screen with the usual horror clichés such as big-breasted women (Monica Keena does show a lot of cleavage here), and Freddy vs. Jason delivers a great final battle royale sequence, between Freddy and Jason, which is annoyingly distracted by the presence of the remaining survivors.

Freddy vs. Jason was a big hit back in 2003, and probably means that we'll have a rematch in the years to come. I'm not a real big fan of Freddy, nor Jason. I've seen all Jason movies (all horrible) and very few of the Freddy movies. Who wins, I will not reveal, but I will say that Freddy Krueger is sadistic in his killings, while Jason is pretty straightforward.

For those who haven't seen the film, it's certain that with its big title, it's likely to lure fans of the horror legends to see the movie. Those expecting the numerous fights between Freddy and Jason to be on a grand scale are likely to be disappointed.

Ever since Universal Pictures tried to milk a few more dollars from their struggling '30s monster movies by bringing together the Wolf Man and Frankenstein's Monster, Hollywood has embraced these kind of combination endeavors. And with an interesting concept, I'm hoping to see more horror legends in a battle royale. Michael vs. Jason, anyone? Or how's about a Freddy vs. Jason, part two?

In a 1991 review of the film, The Last Boy Scout (1991), Chicago Sun-Times film critic Roger Ebert awarded the film three stars (out of ****)while pointing out that, "The only consistent theme of the film is its hatred of women." By providing readers with this quote, and watching the movie, it is hard to disagree. This film is rotten to the core, and definitely not for the faint of heart. Here's a movie where women are bullied around, gunned down, and attacked with verbal violence, by being called bitches, whores and worse.

But The Last Boy Scout does succeed in deliver a good, violent action picture. The result is a cross between 48 Hrs. (1982, another film produced by Joel Silver) and bits of Lethal Weapon (1987, another film written by Shane Black and produced by Silver).

Bruce Willis plays Joe Hallenbeck, a former Secret Service agent turned private detective. Damon Wayans is Jimmy Dix, a former football player. Both men have a wife and girlfriend who cheat on them--Hallenbeck's wife (Chelsea Field) is sleeping with his friend, while Jimmy's girlfriend (Halle Berry), a stripper, has prostituted herself.

Hallenbeck's hired to protect the stripper, and when she ends up killed, he forms an uneasy partnership with her boyfriend, the disgraced Jimmy, who was banned from the football league for gambling. Meanwhile, a corrupt team owner (Noble Willingham) wants to buy legislators and legalize gambling on pro football.

The Last Boy Scout is laced with a strong amount of graphic violence, and the bad guys, who are not there to make the good guys look good, meet a lot of gruesome and bloody ends. The film has some exciting and thrilling action sequences and the surprises are startling.

But the most disturbing moments are with Hallenbeck's foul-mouth 13-year old daughter, Darian (Danielle Harris), when she and her dad curse at each other, and later on when she gets a gun to her head. She is also an enthusiastic witness to the many gruesome and violent events that culminate in the film's brutal finale.

Bruce Willis gives a solid performance, while showing remnants of John McClane from Die Hard (1988) and Damon Wayans gives a comic persona as Jimmy Dix. And Taylor Negron, who is the most despicable villain of all gives a chilling performance as one of the villains who has the annoying habit of calling people by their elongated names.

Shane Black's screenplay is filled with funny and intelligent dialogue, a strong use of profanity and vulgarity and snappy one-liners, and director Tony Scott (who directed the terrible sequel, Beverly Hills Cop II [1987]) keeps the film at a dark pace, and surprises us by turning up the volume on car chases, death scenes, and gunshots. The best moment occurs when in one scene the comedy is interrupted by the violence.

The Last Boy Scout is a near-perfect action movie, in the tradition of other buddy movies such as 48 Hrs., and Lethal Weapon, and while it is not as good as the latter movies, it sets the benchmark for extreme violence and carnage in action movies. Here is a movie that throws graphic violence at us, while the viewer is stunned into uneasy silence.

My Baby's Daddy (2004) plays like a series of all the clichés we usually in Hollywood parenting movies. What's sad is that it took the minds of four writers (this includes star Eddie Griffin) to make one bad movie. This is an unpleasant, and horrible comedy that doesn't deserve to be considered funny.

The film opens with a disappointing cartoon recap of three friends, Lonnie (Eddie Griffin), G (Anthony Anderson), and Dom (Michael Imperioli), who have grown up together, and all have girlfriends. These guys hang out with each other so much that they could've been brothers. G plans on becoming a famous boxer like Stallone's Rocky Balboa; Lonnie plans on a becoming a famous inventor, and Dom aspires to be a player.

It becomes unfortunate when their three girlfriends become pregnant at the same time. That's because the script requires them do so, which is one of the film's biggest flaws. The three characters all have the same problems at the same time.

Months later, the babies are born in different places, one of them in in a grocery store.

"Baby's stuck. Get some Crisco," one old man yells.

But the fathers face problems with their girlfriends. The women see them as unfit fathers. Griffin's girlfriend (Paula Jai Parker) dumps him, and Griffin falls for another mother (Marsha Thompson). Anderson's long-time pal (Method Man) is released from prison and gets him involved in a robbery, which ruins his relationship with his girlfriend, and Imperioli's girlfriend (Joana Bacalso) turns out to be a lesbian. Then we get another cliché where the men's jobs begin to affect their family life.

My Babby's Daddy has an interesting plot about soon-to-be fathers, but director Cheryl Dunye throws in a lot of flatulence jokes, clichés and racial stereotypes, and tries to make us wonder what will happen next in order to move the story at a full movie length. And the jokes aren't funny...they're unpleasant. Think: would a baby actually talk to you if they drank too much alcohol? Would you actually drink while giving birth to a kid? Surely, you must be rolling down the aisles by now.

I will say that only two characters are able to steal their scenes: John Amos is an old man who is tired of seeing the three friends hanging around in his house and he gives them a funny life lesson in the near-end, and Tom "Tiny" Lister, Jr. is a record manager, who knows how to throw a party: forcing his guests to eat his milk and cookies.

Anderson, Griffin, and Imperioli are very promising actors, but not here. They are NOT funny, or even the least convincing. Even the women who play their girlfriends are miscast and boring. But the queen of ham here is Paula Jai Parker as Griffin's girlfriend, a character who can be described as a bitch and a wannabe street slut.

It seems that My Baby's Daddy was intended for an African-American audience, since some of the jokes are aimed at African-American, and Asian culture. It doesn't work. The whole movie doesn't work. It just goes to show you how moronic the three heroes are. I still think they wouldn't make good dads.

Now here's what an action game should be. Max Payne is like a tribute to such Hollywood action icons, such as The Matrix (1999) and director John Woo. This is one of the best video games I have played in a long time. Never in a video game have I seen such good graphics, great dialogue, and intense action.

At best, a game like Max Payne runs like a television marathon series. The game is separated into three chapters with at least seven parts each, including the amazing graphic novels.

The game has a promising premise: DEA agent Max Payne is framed for the murder of his partner, Alex Balder, during a robbery in a New York subway station. With his partner dead, Payne is framed for the crime and the robbery. The case takes a bigger turn with the flow of a new drug in the city, and the possibility of a corrupt organization's involvement in supporting the drug (known as Valkyr). For Payne, it's going to be a long night in New York, during the city's snowstorm blizzard of the century.

Max Payne is a dark video game, and the title hero is also the narrator of the story, and while Payne doesn't seem confident in his storytelling, at times, he provides humor during the narration. The game shifts us to the events leading up to Payne being set up.

There is a sad and somewhat unpleasant sequence where Payne's wife and baby daughter are murdered by Valkyr junkies. And there is the possibility that the corrupt Aesir Corp. may be responsible for his family's death.

Payne must also battle a trail of mobsters, security agents, and black ops operatives, who all want him dead.

What makes Max Payne a great video game is the graphics, which uses New York locations we've probably never seen before, such as a run-down night club called Ragna Rock, and an old seaport.

There is even a great chase sequence where Payne chases a mobster from buildings to a construction site, and to the rooftops of New York apartment buildings (Not in that order).

Payne is also given a cache of weapons, such as handguns, grenade launchers, and machine guns. All enough to start a war. There is even a feature known as bullet time (reminiscent of the action styles seen in the John Woo movies), in which Max is able to slow down time and get a better advantage over his enemies. And if you're a hardcore John Woo fan, you'll notice that Payne is also able to do that familiar double handgun leap in the air.

And while Max Payne is such a good game, it does have its minimal flaws, which is its lack of character variety; the mobsters (who resemble Joe Pesci wise-guys), and agents all look essentially the same. The body count, and the amount of bullets used are ridiculously too high. And sometimes shooting someone point blank in the head doesn't work all the time. I guess it's trying to follow that great tradition of the John Woo Hong Kong movies in which there is always a high body count and a person is hit more than once.

Not all levels rely on handguns and automatic weapons. There is a moment that I like where Payne is unarmed and he must fight through a hallway full of thugs with a baseball bat.

There has been rumors that Max Payne is being made into a motion picture by Twentieth Century Fox that will fill in the gaps missing in both games. The video games, alone, are perfect. Max Payne creates a hero, who, if not plausible (he does endure mega doses of violence, and manages to live through the cold, stormy night), is at least persuading as a man determined to find the truth and clear his name.

Out for Justice (1991) has an interesting premise about a cop going after a childhood-friend-turned-murderer, but the screenwriters don't know what to do with it. Bloodthirsty and profane, it does try to depict New York City's Italian-American community--but 90 percent of them are dead by the end, so what's the point? Better yet, why does it open with a quote from Arthur Miller?

Steven Seagal plays Gino Felino, a cop who roams the streets after his cop buddy Bobby Lupo (Joe Spataro) is shot dead in front of his family by Richie Madano (William Forsythe), Gino's childhood friend, who is now a psycho Brooklyn hood who terrorizes the streets.

The fact that Felino is still a cop upsets his divorced wife (Jo Champa) and his son (Julius Nasso, Jr.), whom in the opening scene, is promised a game of baseball with his dad. But Gino feels he needs to solve the case, because he knows the streets, and Richie's hangout places.

The plot becomes a clothesline for a series of action and fight sequences. Out For Justice is about as violent as Marked for Death (1990), but instead of Seagal cracking arms and limbs (and backs, for that matter), the film gives us a strong amount of graphic violence and gore.

Seagal blows people away with his shotgun, shoots a guy's leg off, another guy gets a meat cleaver impaled in his leg (and then later he pulls out the blade and chops a guy's hand in two), and he stabs a guy in the head with a corkscrew and shoots him to death. And there's something funny about a guy getting killed by running head first into a brick wall. He also engages in a bloody final gunfight that not even the neighborhood residents seem to notice.

There's another problem. A BIG one. Steven Seagal is just not likable, nor convincing in this movie; he touches evidence, intimidates witnesses, breaks into a woman's purse, and beats up, or kills any guy he pleases. His character development is completely lame, his character is given too much dialogue, and way too many screen presence, and his accent sounds like an imitation of Marlon Brando. And why would a police officer go to a suspect's parents and threaten to kill them?

And because he's the star, of course, no one else in the plot succeeds in laying a finger on him.

Julianna Margulies has a small but thankless role as Richie's hooker-girlfriend, and Gina Gershon has an equally thankless role as Richie's foul-mouthed, bar-owning sister. And William Forsythe, is so miscast and unconvincing as Richie.

Out for Justice is a total mess. Here's a movie that sometimes throws action sequences and graphic violence at us, and then cuts to another scene as if they didn't really mean anything. It's an action picture or another Seagal vehicle meant to entertain viewers who can't make the distinction between action movies that tell a story and those that are made to please rowdy moviegoers.

Once upon a time there was a movie named Airplane! (1980) which had a clever notion: Wouldn't it be fun to satirize all of those Airport movies by combining their clichés into one gloriously confused mess, typecasting the movie with walking stereotypes, and going for every corny gag in the book? They were right. It was a great idea, and it made a very funny movie.

It also inspired a series of rip-offs throughout the decades, all not as successful. And now the latest is Soul Plane (2004), a racist, mean-spirited, and unfunny film, that one would find it hard to call it a good movie. This plays like a sitcom that would play on, let's say, UPN--one that wouldn't last long, either.

The hero of the film is Nashawn Wade (Kevin Hart), a young black man, who is the victim of an accident aboard a 747. He sues the airline company and wins a huge settlement, and with the money, he decides to create a black-owned airline company, that has a plane with slutty stewardesses, funky music, a hot on-board dance club, and a bathroom attendant (ho, ho).

The plane is filled with a wide variety of unfunny characters, such as a family known as the Hunkees (led by Tom Arnold), who comes none other than from Krackerland, where the daughter (Arielle Kebbel) is about to become 18 and wants to become a wannabe sexpot. In one scene, she tells her dad that wants to have sex in even the most unpleasant positions. I was hoping Kama Sutra would be one of them.

We are also introduced to the (alledged) Arab terrorist, whose theme score is none other than the Jaws theme. (The camera focuses on the Arab's P.O.V. as black passengers stare and move out of his way).

Even Snoop Dogg plays the pilot, an ex-con, who claims he learned how to fly in prison, which will, more or less, set up some sort of climatic sequence where the hero and the rest of the passengers try to land the plane. Which brings me to a moment when Nashawn tries to look for a pilot. As he desperately looks for one, you'd think that by the time he did the plane would crash by then.

I wasn't offended by the film's humor as much as I was by the film's racism. Blacks, Arabs, gays, and even blind people are the targets for humor. Even a sex joke becomes repetitive.

And this is the second Snoop Dogg film I have seen this year that is a complete disappointment. Ask yourself this: Would you put your trust in an ex-con who claims he knows all about flying to fly a plane? Well, at least he redeemed himself, by stealing the show in Starksy & Hutch (2004).

Even the lead hero, Kevin Hart can't act in this one. He is just plain annoying, but not as annoying as the rest of the characters. Consider Mo'nique's character as a security guard, who likes handsome men and refers to them as "Denzel." We've seen it before. Mo'Nique has proved that she can be funny, such as when she was on her hit TV show, The Parkers, but here, she playing the same character- -a horny black women who falls for handsome men.

Tom Arnold deserves a better role after being in this mess. What ever happened to his lovable and likable roles, such as the sidekick in True Lies (1994)?

"So, what's worth watching?" you might ask.

Perhaps, the best moment in Soul Plane (2004) involves a giant purple airplane. By the near-middle of the film, the plane is about to take off, and it bounces up and down the expressway creating earthquakes as it gets ready to hit the skies. It's no classic, but it is a moment that is smart, and funny, in ways the rest of the movie is not.

People who actually liked Problem Child (1990) need to have their heads examined. Who would take the idea of watching a malevolent little boy wreak havoc on others and deem it funny? The movie is not funny, ever, in any way, beginning to end. It wants to be a cartoon, but the writers don't realize that slapstick isn't funny when people get attacked by bears, or hit with baseball bats. It may be funny in cartoons, but not in a motion picture.

The film's young hero is Junior (Michael Oliver) who, since he was a baby, has been placed at the front doors of foster parents for adoption. The families reject him, because Junior tends to give them a hard time.

He is then thrown into an orphanage, where he terrorizes the nuns, and writes pen pal letters to the convicted Bow-Tie Killer (Michael Richards). He is soon adopted by Ben and Flo Healy (the late John Ritter and his wife, Amy Yasbeck), who are dying to have a child, in order to be just like every other parent in their neighborhood.

Junior becomes a member of the Healy household, and "Little" Ben takes an interest in him, despite the fact that he destroys a camping trip by luring a bear onto the site, or throws a cat at his father "Big" Ben (Jack Warden), a bigoted politician.

I think that we're supposed to care for Junior so that we can root for him when he gets his revenge on people. His new mother, Flo, is a bitch, his grandfather is completely selfish, and one little girl--who despises adopted kids--is such a spoiled brat.

But what Junior does to get the last laughs isn't funny- -it's mean, cruel, and sometimes life-threatening.

And what is the film's message? That kids should resolve problems with violence and vandalism? That they should seek friendship by writing to convicted killers? They definitely don't what it's like to be a bad kid. Junior isn't a one--he's just a sadistic, little twerp. There used to be a time when it was bad for kids to beat up others. Now, everybody's laughing when Junior beats up kids with a baseball bat.

It's a shame that this movie has been marketed as a "family comedy." What's worse is that Problem Child is rated PG. What was the MPAA thinking when they saw this? There's a lot of profanity and mean-spirited pranks here, that one may wonder about the dividing between the PG and the PG-13.

Kids will enjoy this, but parents will be shocked at what is being depicted on screen. And to most people, Problem Child will be considered a "guilty pleasure" classic; a film that someone will shamefacedly admit to liking, even though the prevailing opinion, as put forth by more serious viewers, is that the movie is a piece of crap.

Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne (2003) is like a puzzle waiting to be solved. The pieces aren't in the right place, which leaves the game player to figure it out. Instead of giving us a straightforward action game, it successfully builds mystery. This "film noir love story" is a better improvement over the original, and the characters, the plot, and the setting are better this time around.

Max Payne no longer has that "constipated grin" on his face, but a face that is filled is with all the loss and anger that he once suffered in the past. By now he's a brooding cop, and he has every right to be one, since his wife and baby child were killed in the original.

The message of film noir is that there are no real heroes. Max Payne is not the typical cardboard cutout action hero. Here is a man so cheerless, that he doesn't even form a smile, and we can understand why. He also shows a "survivor's guilt." Having taken his revenge in the first game, Max is not satisfied with what he has--due to what he sees as his "crime" (surviving) going unpunished, and due to the fact that, even though he has claimed his revenge, his family is still dead, and he is still alive.

One night, Payne responds a hostage situation in a gun workshop run by men in jumpsuits. He stumbles upon Mona Sax, a femme fatale presumed dead after the events in the original. Payne learns turn too late when Mona warns him that they are both in danger. A sniper hits Max's apartment, and Mona escapes, with Payne setting out to find the person who wants him dead.

We are also introduced to several characters from the original, including Lt. Jim Bravura, Max's boss at the NYPD, and Alfred Woden, a dying senator and a member of the Inner Circle. There is even a subplot involving a Mob war between Vladimir Lem and Vinnie Gognitti (who, this time, resembles a foul-mouthed Joe Pesci character). The mob war subplot may sound unnecessary, but it's crucial to what happens in the story.

I liked the original Max Payne (2001), which was released in 2001, and I thought it was the benchmark of action-packed video games. I liked the dialogue, the intense action, the graphics, and the locations it used. But I like Max Payne 2 even more. This is a game that gives life to almost all of its characters. Like Max Payne, the characters are able to express their feelings and thoughts to each other, and there is a big surprise as Max finds out who's after him.

Max Payne series creator Sam Lakes keeps the player involved with his characters We're not just playing a typical action game where we shoot mindless bad guys, but we're learning about the characters as well. Even the villains in the game, get to share their stories.

I also liked how the characters' lip movements were convincing and how they moved along with the way they speak. They also do some convincing movements, such as ragdoll-like movements, which allow the enemy's body to move around like a limp corpse.

Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne is a great video game, but it shares the same flaws the original once had. There is a lack of character variety; a lot of the characters such as bodyguards, thugs, mobsters, and police officers look essentially the same, and once again it resembles a John Woo movie with its handgun leaps and ridiculously high body count. And the firing sounds for the weapons in the game sound unrealistic and could have been better.

I also think the game is also a bit too short, whereas the original was like playing a TV marathon. But what it lacks in quantity and length, it pays for with quality.

The New York settings in each level looks convincing and great. My favorite is the New York Police Department, where Payne is able to interact with other characters such as suspects and police officers. Even the streets of New York, during the mob war levels, resemble a war zone.

The narration in both the game and the graphic novel helps to not only move the story, but to provide humor or reaction to an incident. The narration by James McCaffrey (who also voices Payne) is great. Instead of sleepwalking in his dialogue like the original, he actually moves along with the words.

And fans will probably agree with me that Mona Sax is one of the most sexy 3D heroines out there. If her voice (perfectly provided by Wendy Hoopes) doesn't get to you first, her appearance certainly will. She is endowed with a high poly count and blessed with some very smooth motion-captured animations.

The beauty of the unfolding storyline of Max Payne 2 is that the player is never really sure if Mona feels the same way Max does, or if she's luring him into a trap--unless some heartless game reviewer ruins it for you. Being the highly trained killer that she is, playing as Mona is just as easy and equally lethal as when playing as Max. One wonders and hopes if their will be a spin-off to such a great series.

But will there be a "Max Payne 3?" Maybe. But to make another would seem difficult, especially after what happens in the end of this game. But Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne still remains the best in the series. This is not only an action game. It's about love, life and death in a city facing chaos.

The Whole Ten Yards (2004) is a comedy dead zone. You watch in complete disbelief as scenes appear on the screen and die. Every moment in this movie, begs for a single laugh, and it's as if the actors- -some who were all so promising in the original film, The Whole Nine Yards (2000)- -were promised big paychecks if they were able to tag along with the film's script.

The Whole Ten Yards assumes that the viewer has some familiarity with the first movie. Bruce Willis returns as Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski, who's now living in obscurity with his wife, Jill (Amanda Peet). Both are having problems in their marriage due to (a) Jimmy's erectile dysfunction, (b) Jill's inability to fulfill her lifelong ambition to become a contract killer and (c) Jimmy's transformation into a male-like Martha Sterwart.

Meanwhile Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky's (Matthew Perry) finds that goons have kidnapped his wife, Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge), and that they are led by Lazlo Gogolak (Kevin Pollak), the father of the mob boss (also played by Pollak in the original), who was eliminated in the original film. Oz tracks down Jimmy and convinces his old pal to give up cooking and house cleaning and help him in a rescue attempt.

Warner Bros. has been unsuccessful in making mobster-comedy movie sequels. Analyze This (1999) was a funny film, but the idea to make a sequel was unnecessary. The sequel, Analyze That (2002), was an attempt to stretch an idea beyond its natural shelf life.

But you have to wonder why the filmmakers felt it was a good move to make a sequel to The Whole Nine Yards, or why Matthew Perry, who is playing Chandler (from "Friends") again, is unlikely to have a movie career, and why the film has been toned down to a PG-13 rating (the film cheats us of another view of Peet's breasts).

Screenwriter George Gallo, on the DVD commentary, evidently has no regrets. "I think this movie is very funny," he insists, "I wrote 80 pages of genius." Apparently the scathing reviews and paltry box office have done little to humble him, as he adds, "It's like a homicidal Three Stooges."

When Hollywood lackluster sequels are meant to be made, Howard Deutch is the man to call. He's responsible for Neil Simon's The Odd Couple II (1998) and Grumpier Old Men (1995). Deutch has also directed John Hughes-produced film such as The Great Outdoors (1988), Pretty in Pink (1986), and Some Kind of Wonderful (1987).

In The Whole Ten Yards, there is a scene that makes a reference to Hughes' Planes, Tranes & Automobiles (1987), but let's just say that it was more funnier when Steve Martin and John Candy did it.

But, if you don't laugh at that, there's Kevin Pollack (again) in one of the most singularly bad performances I have ever seen in a movie. It fails by calling attention to its awfulness. His accent, his voice, his clothes, his clownish makeup all conspire to create a character who brings the movie to a halt every time he appears on the screen.

There's also the propensity of a 107-year old woman able to pass gas. Surely by now, you must be rolling in the aisles? No? Then, I will mention that Bruce Willis' character is often unpleasant. He puts on an apron and a head cloth during the early scenes, as if such a disguise would do anything other than call attention to himself.

Deutch, on the DVD commentary, is quietly apologetic as he points out all the things he wished he'd changed. "I was always sorry we didn't cut this out, " he says of one scene, "I think the joke is over." And I should mention that some of the film's elements such as the film's violence (for example, a scene where a woman gets a slap to the face) don't blend well with the film's light "comedy." And if you're planning on seeing or watching The Whole Ten Yards someday, let me tell you, it's not worth seeing for a whole ten bucks on the big screen.

Marked for Death (1990) spends more time on action sequences, than it does with focusing on its characters. After his first two impressive efforts, Above the Law (1988) and Hard to Kill (1989), this third Steven Seagal picture makes the idea clear: anyone who opposes him is meant to look like a fool; the bad guys are just there to make him look good.

Seagal had been steadily building an audience that seemed a bit larger than those that follow the kick-'em-up antics of Chuck Norris or Jean Claude Van Damme.

In Marked for Death, Seagal tosses aside any pretense at style and heads full throttle into exploitation. This film contains loads of graphic violence, gore and nudity that seem to be there for no reason other than to please rowdy moviegoers, who are unable to distinguish between action pictures that tell a story and those that simply pour on the thrills without rhyme or reason. And he deserves some real blame for this lapse in taste as a producer of "Marked for Death."

Seagal plays John Hatcher, a retired DEA agent who comes home to Chicago, where his family is being attacked by a Jamaican street gang, who attack his sister's house, and the film proves that it isn't squeamish when Hatcher's niece (Danielle Harris) is shot in the crossfire. Hatcher gets mad, and he decides to team up with his old friend, Max (Keith David), a school gym teacher, and Charles (Tom Wright), a Jamaican cop.

Naturally, Hatcher declares war on the chief bad guy, a dread-locked Jamaican voodoo priest called Screwface (Basil Wallace), a nickname that apparently means "outrageous overacting."

And it is almost unbelievable in the way Seagal picks off various members of the gang: he gouges one guy's eyeball, he breaks a guy's back, and he breaks numerous arms and limbs.

All logic for this movie is thrown out the window- -through the glass, that is. Why aren't Hatcher and friends indicted for all the property damage they cause or the body count that piles up? And how did they get their cache of automatic weapons from Illinois to Jamaica by plane without being detected?

Seagal has a Clint Eastwood stoicism about him that fans once seemed to enjoy, and despite the three different characters he's played in as many films, each dresses in Oriental black bathrobes, and wears a ponytail. One of the problems that I have with some of Seagal's movies is that the main characters never seem to be in serious jeopardy, and because he's the star, of course, no one can lay a glove on him, except for the bad guy.

Seagal's heroes are all interchangeable, as are most of the plot lines and action sequences. Regardless of whether he's masquerading as a ship's cook, a fire fighter, or an L.A. cop wearing love beads, Seagal is always Seagal, which is exactly what his fans want. In fact, the sameness of these films is such that, if I wanted to, I could take an old review, change the names, and have a reasonably accurate take on the new movie. Not that I'd ever really do that...