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Reviews
Lumberjack Man (2015)
BLECH! WTF Did I Just watch?
Totally lame pile of BS with the lamest back-story for a horror movie slasher!
Michael Madsen... boy, I just lost a lot of respect for you. You're way too good for this low-budget piece of crap!
There are so many things that just don't make sense. Now, I get that it's a dark comedy. Okay. I can accept some things. But others, just... um... hmmm -
Like the extremely hot ranger chick (who looked way too young to be Ranger Chief - or whatever the heck her title was) who fires what seems to be a Rambo-sized amount of bullets from a 9 mm automatic handgun without ever reloading. And then... she is the ONLY character to be struck by one of Lumberjack Man's axes who actually lives. Now, that's not such a stretch, it's possible to survive an ax attack. BUT, she took the ax in the back - right in the spine - and then pulls it out by herself and, somehow, doesn't bleed to death! AND THEN - at the end, she's up and walking around. Whoa - WHAT? That spinal cord had to be severed, no doubt! And wasn't it enough that we had the hot, lead chick come out alive in the end? Why did we have to save the hot, blonde ranger chick, too? That's just a bit too much BS for me.
However, I did give this 2 stars for all of the (.)(.) running around on set! Good job, Mr. Director. But, I'm just a little bummed out that we never got to see the heroin in all her glory... but I'll settle for the panties and bra. Very nice touch.
Krampus: The Reckoning (2015)
Good Lord this is Horrible Trash
Okay, there is one glaring review by someone who gave this movie a 9 and raves about what a great movie it is. And even states that it is far superior to several other Krampus themed movies coming out this year. HHAAA!!! I saw one of the others, "Krampus", in the theater a week ago, and I must tell you it was also absolute trash, but it's an Oscar winner compared to this bucket of movie puke! The fact that this certain 9-star "reviewer" constantly praises the young lead actress and the director leads me to believe that this person is, somehow, tied to this movie (probably the director himself or the father of the actress using an IMDb alias profile).
This movie was terrible! Just terrible. It drags on and on and on with very weak dialogue and slow action until a scene finally changes. Sloppy directing and some horrible camera work. I think the director may have taken a home-study course in video production... and flunked out.
Here's a little storytelling advice for the director: The sloppy, white-trash, soft-core porn scene in the beginning was TOTALLY unnecessary and a scene like that does not serve to advance the plot. You just put it in there to try to give your horror movie some kind of substance, and probably a couple of friends a chance to be naked in a horror movie. It was like watching a porn video made by some amateur next door neighbors - and not very good looking ones, at that. So next time (God help us if there is one) skip that kind of garbage. It doesn't add validity to your horror movie, it only serves as a sign of weak storytelling.
And stop lingering with your scenes. They just drag on. Build some tension.
And for God's sake, spring for some kind of real creature makeup effects instead of a lo-res, poorly animated monster. The burnt remains of his victims were more convincing than Krampus himself. And by the way, his name is pronounced Krum-poohs, not Kram-pus. "Kram-pus" sounds too much like "Gramps" and it just really doesn't invoke any level of fear. Do your research before your write or direct a movie.
The young lead actress is nothing to behold, just another face in a crowd of 1000's of hopefuls. I know we all want to encourage young talent, but come on, Mr. IMDb Alias, her acting was not that great. I've seen better acting on Nick Jr. sitcoms.
And the guy playing the lead detective... wow. Did he take acting lessons from Ferris Bueller's Economics teacher? You know, the guy who just droned "Bueller, Bueller" for an eternity? There was absolutely no level of excitement in this guy's voice whatsoever. He sounded like he had a perpetual taking-a-dump kind of grunt to every word he mumbled. Christian Bale did it better as Batman.
Well, in closing, if you're considering watching this, I'd suggest you just skip this piece of garbage and thank heavens you weren't a part of its production. Or you could do your very own MST3k episode with it.
Krampus (2015)
This should have been called KRAPPUS
THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS RIGHT FROM THE START!!!
Setting up a "horror" movie with a marketing campaign that screams "HORROR MOVIE!", but then presenting us with a family friendly horror movie in which the hero is a tween and everyone lives in the end is just an extremely crappy thing to do!!! Of course, I should have seen this coming from the guy who turned Superman into a sickeningly lovesick, Lois Lane-stalking, peeping Tom with his "Superman Returns" story. You know, the Man of Steel story that made "Superman 4: The Quest for Peace" look like "Gone with the Wind"!
NEWS FLASH, Mr. Dougherty - Horror films and family films DON'T MIX WELL! Decide which one you're gonna make and stick with it.
If you're going to make a movie in which the titular character is historically known to be evil and merciless, then you should make the frigging movie reflect what he is! Who frigging makes a PG-13 horror film to begin with? This is like promising the public a "Halloween" movie, but, your movie is about Michael Meyers prowling the neighborhood tickling his victims instead of dismembering them!
This wussy version of Krampus makes The Grinch look like Satan himself.
However, the director did do a decent job setting the tone for a dark horror film once Krampus arrives... but, then the movie pukes all over the audience with no on screen violence or bloodshed and then a gang of evil elves which is pretty much just a bunch of short actors in what looks like unpainted Mardi Gras masks or something. To top it off, Krampus, himself, never does any of the killing or physical violence – he just looks like a fat, dirty, homeless, passive, evil leader. The evil-doings are all handled through his evil minions: a Jack-in-the- Box, a toy robot, a rabid teddy bear and a gang of gingerbread men. Seriously?
This movie starts with shoppers comically fighting for Black Friday deals. And as the audience around me began to roar with laughter, this was the point where I should have walked out, but they got my frigging $10 so I figured I'd stay put and see if it got any better. NOPE, it didn't!
This entire movie is filled with senseless behavior, from utterly retarded characters, that really only serves as weak plot devices to get us from one scene to the next. Such as...
We are presented with some of the most irresponsible parents in movie history. Here's an example
A frigging mysterious blizzard of historically epic proportions has appeared suddenly and from nowhere (complete with strange snowmen cropping up in the front yard), and this mother and father allow their young, teenage daughter to head out into the blizzard from hell so she can walk several blocks away to her stupid boyfriend's house all because she's worried that he hasn't responded to her texts?
But, wait, it gets dumber
when she hasn't returned after a couple of hours, the mother gets concerned, but dad blows it off and says she's fine, she's at her boyfriend's house. Does the writer even have kids? If so, would he send them out into a blizzard like the one he created in his story? If not, then why put it in the script just to separate the daughter from her family so Krampus can make his first appearance to the audience?
It would have been more forgivable to have the daughter ask permission to leave, have the parents say "Absolutely not", and then have her sneak out of her bedroom window only to have mom and dad discover her missing later. It's much easier to accept a rebellious child's behavior in your script than a couple of retard parents who are so stupid as to send one of their children into the freezing unknown to check on her little, pizza-faced boyfriend.
And then, there's the scene where one of the parents is helping two of the kids escape into a truck, but, instead of climbing in with them, she actually closes the door and tells her son she loves him right before she's dragged away by a monster as her son watches in horror.
AND THEN
as the parents try to fight off the onslaught of evil toys and dumb crap with a couple of guns, we're subjected to the idiotically clichéd "taking-your-time-to-pull-the-trigger-so-you- can-make-a-stupid-wisecrack-but-something-else-happens-while- you-were-wasting-your-time-talking-and-you-miss-your-shot" plot device. This happens several times and is really annoying! It doesn't build tension
it's really a sign of extremely weak writing. In fact, everything about this movie is a product of weak storytelling skills. How do you people even get these things financed?
Then when we finally see Krampus up close, it is some of the worse creature makeup I have ever seen on a big budgeted, highly anticipated "horror" flick. The creature's mouth never closes, like a Halloween mask - you couldn't even spring for some better effects?
AND THEN
in the end, when all of the family members have been taken by Krampus, the only survivor – the whiny, tween boy who summoned Krampus - confronts the holiday demon and the demon actually has mercy upon him and his family. And they all live – but trapped in a snow-globe? Total crap!
As a fan of horror – and an author of it, as well - I am thoroughly disappointed.