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Reviews
Cage (1989)
Relive 1989! Cage Fighting Style.
While the rest of the American forces in Nam were snorting crack, Lou Ferrigno ("Billy") was bench-pressing the entire ho chi min trail. This came in handy about 2.5 minutes into the movie when he saves the captain from certain death somewhere in SoCal. Unfortunately, in the process Billy is shot in the brain. Problem? HA! Mere flesh wound! Cue touching and affectionate scene where it becomes all too clear that Billy is full of both honor, sick-yo yo skillz, and stupid. Yes, especially stupid. You can probably skip the next 60 min of the movie now. Skipping... NOW FRICKIN AWESOME CAGE FIGHT. If watching Lou Ferrigno act 8 yrs old for 1.5 hours then beat the crap out of stereotypical Asian gangs is your thing, this is the movie for you.
Megalodon (2002)
Megaistotallyawesome!
Suck it other guy that thinks Megladon sucks. You suck. Megalodon is so much more than a mere 60 million year old shark that erupts from a "parallel universe" ocean following penetration by a futuristic drilling rig. Though his vicious devouring may be perceived as savage and even impolite, it is only through the grisly, poorly computer animated gnawing that the dynamic characters discovery the follies of humanity: greed, over consumption, and disrespect for our primordial brethren, like 60 million year old sharks. But even if you are too blind, too insipid, or simply too immersed in our superficial pop culture to understand the true humanity of Megaldon, at least you can appreciate the wicked computer graphics. The biggest disappoint was really the lack of killing/maiming. I started this movie hoping everyone would die horrible deaths in the gaping jaws of a 60 million year old shark. But alas, like only 2 people died said horrible deaths. Otherwise this movie would totally be an 11.
Hawk the Slayer (1980)
HtS completes me.
Lord of the Rings move aside. Star Wars, back of the line. If you're looking for thrills, drama, and epic spectacular effects HAWK the Slayer (HtS) is the film for you. From a purely platonic stand point, Hawk is easy to fall madly in love with. His limited facial movements feign boredom and apathy, but his virtuous actions signify a deeper desire to kill his devil-possessed older brother aptly named VOLTRON and steal back his babelicious girlfriend...or was it avenge his girlfriend's morbid death...I forget. He turns a rag tag army of generic gnomes and elves into a elite fighting force to defeat Voltron's massive 5 person army forged from depths of the local tavern. While the battle scenes beckon me to don a battle axe and kill gnomes, what really puts this film over the top is the amazing, poignant use of the natural phenomenon called "Fog." Fog, once reserved for only the elite 1%, has trickled down to us plebians. The way the "Fog" veils and reveals, then veils and reveals just keeps me lustfully desiring more. In sum, HtS completes me. In fact, HtS had me at Hawk.
Sinbad of the Seven Seas (1989)
Sinbad
When you insert Sinbad of the Seven Seas in your VCR its like stepping into a world of swash-buckling, sword fighting, man-boob bouncing action. Lou Ferrigno doesn't just recite lines, he executes them with precision and emotion...just like he executes the skeleton pirates...and rock monsters...and amazon women...and goopy jello ogres. I don't want to ruin the M.Night Shamalalala-esqe conclusion, but there is some hot Sinbad on Sinbad action. Especially when he falls in the lava. The princess is really hot...I'd do her.
About a dozen rubber snakes and a midget named Poochie were injured during the making of this movie.