Change Your Image
Arisenandawakened
Reviews
Penance (2009)
I guess some things I will never understand.
This movie strikes me on so many levels as absolute trash. I wish the lead actress was at least attractive. Although, she did have nice breasts... which was the only redeeming quality of this flick, gratuitous nudity. Especially in the case of one Eve Mauro. That girl is absolutely gorgeous. Smokin' hot! I think I would probably watch anything with her in it, at least once. But alas, I digress from my original reason for writing this.
"Candyman", "Dead Man on Campus", "Warlock" and Brandi Svennings dad all in one movie? They obviously did not invest wisely of their spoils from their actual roles in real movies... That, or the director/writer/producer caught and filmed them all in some suck-off man orgy together and blackmailed them into making this horrible movie.
Actually a documentary on fecal matter would probably be more entertaining than this movie is...
If you're a guy and thinking about watching this movie, punch yourself in the balls... really hard. That pain is as enjoyable as this movie is going to be for you. If you're a girl, rinse your eyes with vodka. Same goes...
I will never understand how something as bad as this gets made. Along the line, people kept giving this the green light. HOW? The actors and actresses agreed to be in it. WHY? Distributors agreed to release it. Again I ask, in F's-name WHY? The economy is steadily slipping, but it seems the movie industry will throw copious amounts of cash to whatever idiot comes along. (I bet the screenplay was written in crayon.) I think "Clerks" cost a little over fifty grand to make. No actors, no sets and lastly, no color. Taking all of that into account, this movie at the very least, probably cost a cool quarter mil. WTF?!?! Are you serious?!?! In this day and age, Jake Whatever-his-name-is should be lynched for wasting that much money. Like rappers and athletes buying gold and platinum jewelry/teeth/wheels... but that's a whole other rant...
I give it two stars. One for each of Eve Mauro's wonderful breasts. Nothing else.
End of Days (1999)
My First Movie Review/Revisions of Message Board Posts
How about renaming the first message board post about this movie, "The Only Enjoyable Aspects of an Otherwise Steaming Pile of Human Fecal Matter" instead of "Reasons Why End of Days is the Greatest Movie of All Times". That would actually be true. The list posted is truly indeed, the only fine points about this crap of a waste of an hour and a half of my life of a movie. I was laughing out loud as I was reading through the reasons that person listed. Absolutely hilarious. Here's what I think. Arnie gave the Devil hell. He single handedly killed a Predator. He defeated evil clones of himself. A couple of times I might add. Once in the future and once in the future on a distant planet. Took out the whole of the Columbian drug cartel and guerilla terrorist cell, all the while as a forced to resign fireman. He survived the most heinous murderous reality T.V. show full of professional killers. Saved his one and only daughter from evil plotting terrorists. Not only once, but twice. As Hercules, he played the half-god son of Zeus. He was the baddest Barbarian in the all lands. Trained to be a killing machine that could take on evil sorcerers and sorceress in his sleep. Not to mention, he was the sole savior of little John Conner and the whole human race, once more, on multiple occasions. But he couldn't please all those voters. Damn those Cali taxes and pot holes... What were they thinking? Who cares. "End of Days" is crap. I actually think it made me stupider for having sat through it. Whether it be stupider from the actual movie itself physically draining my intelligence. Or perhaps stupider just in the fact that I did not avert my eyes to such immense amounts of runny, chunky celluloid diarrhea. Avoid this movie at all costs. It will make you have an embolism. Blood vessels in your brain will burst. You will bleed from your eyes. Those dollar bills would be better spent being used as toilet paper than being used to pay to watch this movie in any way. Even if you only spend .50 on a DVDR to rip this movie, there is a body of water somewhere you could make a wish on that would be money better spent. Just to explain a little more... I went to see this movie when it was released because it had such a remarkable soundtrack. Talk about blind bad luck. There were a few scenes that remain mentionable. Namely, the mother/daughter-Devil love fest. That was hot. LOL But that's all this movie was worth. A few good laughs at how horrible it is, is more like it. I was so enraged that I had paid good money to watch such horrendous, well everything, that I decided that the theater was going to let me watch a good movie for free. So, while I was exiting the local movie megaplex I managed to dart into a nearby theater to watch "Sleepy Hollow". Thank the powers that be for redeeming my faith and reminding me that not all Hollywood movies are complete trash. Some directors actually take pride in their work. Really. Thank you Tim Burton. However, I still feel that I am permanently scarred and somewhat retarded for having watched the entirety of what is "End of Days". I have not, nor will I ever, subject what little is left of my brain to the direct trauma and torture, of said movie again. It was a decision that I greatly regret, that I had chosen Arnie over Tim Burton originally when I went to the theater to watch a movie. Never again will I make that mistake. It was an asinine decision, from the get I admit. But it was Gabriel Byrnes as the Devil. I mean..., come on! I thought that in no way could they mess that up... Again blind bad luck I guess.
My First Movie Review/Revisions of Message Board Posts
The Management.
The Boondock Saints (1999)
Watch This Movie!!!
This movie is a wonderful performance of power, strength of will and fortitude. Not to mention dedication and faith. I guess it is the vigilante in me that agrees so much with this flick. It is not, by any means, a high end production. The main cast is excellent. The supporting casts performance left something to be desired, but it is easily looked past. It was never truly meant to be a Hollywood blockbuster. It has Ron Jeremy in it for crying out loud. However, it is a movie with a definitive message. A truly decent message at that, no matter what your spirituality. It should be a mandatory watch for everyone. A wonderful ride. The soundtrack is fantastic. 100% entertainment. It is the epitome of "cult classic".