Reviews

This episode is ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE because the actual L.A. Firefighter, Mike Stoker, (who is an Engineer, meaning he drives the pumper and operates the pump equipment once at the incident) SPEAKS! In almost EVERY episode, he's on camera, but has NO lines. This episode features him actually speaking with his own voice! Will wonders never cease!

There is much blah blah blah in this episode, but I don't want to give anything away.

I will say, sadly so, there is no hemp! Holy rolickers! L.A. Firefighters fighting a fire in a 3 story Amityville Horror house (rather than a 2 story like in the movie), never using any hemp? How is this possible?

Marco decides to make enchiladas. No, not racist...

Chet loses his badge...

Henry...well, he does his Henry thing.

A little dash of cold-warism...there is an appearance of an Estes Rocket, a Pershing Nuclear Short to Medium range missile model. Complete with launching pad and non-regulated engine! Chet get the worst of this!

All in all, a decent episode.

So... the premise of the entire series of Quincy, M.E., is that Quincy is basically the Jesus Christ, Superstar of coroners. Right. And this gives him jurisdiction to do anything, anywhere, anytime, for whatever reason. This episode is no different than the premise. Laughably so.

I won't go into the plotline of the show so I don't have to click the spoilers radio button, but I will say, this plot is beyond believable. Like usual. And as usual, if it weren't for Quincy, the world would end. Or at least this episode would have a bad ending. Not that this ending was good, just that not TOO many people died.

A note needs to be made of the Russian couple, with their TERRIBLE accents. Please hire a voice coach next time, and we as an audience thank you in advance for your thoughtfulness.

Why did I just totally bag on this show yet still rate it a 7?

Mimi Rogers, owner of the largest pair of Hollywood Scientology mammaries. She appears in this episode and at a relatively young age. Mimi, however, bends to TV code and doesn't show us those massive milk generators. Watch "Full Body Massage" for that. (Whoo hoo! for that movie!)

Okay.

This is a Van Damme movie. Let's go over the recipe.

1/2 Pint of Napoleonic dude overcompensating by not just wearing lift shoes, but by gettin' all Kung Phooey and such.

58 Gallons of Violence and Kung Phooey Stuff.

1 Ton of Hypocrisy.

0 ounces Star Material (Names, A-listers, B-listers, C-listers or even D-listers.)

45 unknowns.

1 renowned skin flick chick, who doesn't get nude.

1 unknown chick who does get nude and later goes on to skin flick fame. Preferred would be she has a huge bosom, entirely fake, and when her clothes are off, it's completely apparent. Make sure her hair is dyed, preferably from something really dark to blonde, so that her eyebrows are severely apparent.

1 Cornucopia of guns and weapons with absolutely unlimited ammunition.

1 Foreign setting, depicted with as much racism as possible.

1 Teeny Weeny Tiny Budget

Preheat oven to "on." In a separate bowl, mix all dry ingredients together. Slowly stir in unknown chick, mixing in just enough nudity to achieve an "R" rating. Hype with all available tenacity. Put in oven and let this turkey get nice and botulism-ed. Serves all who can stomach.

The only non-Hong Kong Phooey aspect of this film worth watching is Alonna Shaw, and just one second or so of Julie Strain. Keep your remote handy and watch Julie Strain stretch at the start. Pause here. Keep this image on your TV for at least a half hour. Then fast forward until you see Alonna Shaw topless. Pause, rewind, frame advance at your leisure. Take your time. An hour or so will do. These scenes are the only reason the movie rates a six.

When finished, eject movie and replace with anything else out of Hollywood.

Just as Coyote was introduced opposing Bugs, we get to meet Taz opposing Bugs. Just like in the Coyote meeting, Taz talks too. I am not personally aware of any other Looney Tunes where either Coyote nor Taz talks. Sure, here and elsewhere we get a lot of "OOH EH AH UH UH!" But if you listen, Taz actually says some words. The one where the savage beast is soothed by music and Bugs has to use this to get the Taz back to the zoo...watch that one and listen for any lines by Taz. But here, he has the classic line, "And rabbits." Bottom line, they rarely get as good as this. A Looney Tune keeper all the way.

All I heard about this movie was how sexy and great it was. So sexy. So vampire-ry. Ooh.

(Let the fake news sink in.)

So I bought the Blu-ray.

It was all hype. That's why this movie get's a 1 for a rating. A bad movie is a bad movie, but a movie that's 'all this and all that' which fails to live up gets an even lower rating than usual in my book. (A 3 would be generous.)

No, this movie wasn't a Harlequin romance novel. Those are sexier. Far sexier than this movie are the 'Sleeping Beauty' novels of Anne Rice. That's how tame this movie is, BOOKS are sexier than it is. I have submitted edits to the 'parental guide' section, detailing the extent of the 'adultness' of this movie. Just about ANY T&A movie from the 80's has far more skin, in usually far sexier ways. "Ski School," "Bikini Carwash Company" and especially "Virgin Hunters" a.k.a. "Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000" come to mind, just to name three.

There are 3 'lovemaking' scenes in this movie and only the smallest amount of actual nudity happens. I believe this was done to achieve an "R" rating, so the movie would seem sexy and therefore sell. Truthfully, this isn't team Edward or Jacob, but it isn't "Tarzan" (the one with Bo Derek) either. The irony is, there's as much male nudity as there is female. All without exposing the man's private parts, of course.

Let's face it, the vampire-ry thing is getting old and lame as well. There are many plot holes in this movie regarding vampire-ism and how it's shown here. I'll name a few. 1. The heroine states in a narration (red flag of a lame movie) that a vampire can be harmed by sunlight. Yet her house is an older mansion, built to take advantage of the sunlight for lighting the building. Like the "Farmer Old McDonald" song. "Here a window, there a window, everywhere a window window." And she sleeps in a bed in this house. Uh, huh? 2. There is another vampire woman who has sex with a dude to get him into a vulnerable position to bite him. She bites the dickens out of his neck, then dribbles lots of blood (the whole point of the exercise?), then leaves his corpse sitting right out in the open to be found at the start of the next "Law & Order" episode. (Lenny didn't die, he's undead and he's gonna track down these female vampire killers.) I can see it now.

This movie is fairly well done, but low budget and you can tell because the effects are kept to a minimum because the killings are so low. Most of the effects are simply physical ones literally done on camera. I saw ONE CG scene. The rest of the budget must have been spent on the "stars," Josephine and Roxane. Michael Rapaport and Riley Keough never were stars, and now you have proof with this movie. Oh, and I guess it counts for 'nudity' when we see a three-inch square of Riley's tummy due to her torn blouse. I can just hear Pat Robertson, "Give that naughty movie an 'R', because we can see Riley's tum-tum for a second!"

So, if you were a girl who liked the "Twilight" series and are now grown up and want to spice up your late Friday night with your husband after you put the kids to bed, this movie is for you!

For the rest of humanity, Try "Virgin Hunters." It even has an outdoor scene stolen directly from the "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" series.

Quentin Tarantino cast Uma Thurman in his Kill Bill movies to give her the shot he thought she deserved. This was due to her getting panned for movies like this less than High School play caught on film perhaps by a proud parent and mistakenly published by ANY movie studio.

This movie sucked.

Uma Thurman looks ridiculous in drag while faking an English accent. But the male lead doesn't even try to fake an accent, so kudos to Uma I guess.

That's just the beginning.

The campy hokey music playing during every fight scene makes me believe this was intended as a comedy. But the rest of the movie is an attempt at drama, with dramatic music while horses speed by. Dramatic music while people jump in rivers. Dramatic music while plans are being made and even presented. (But not during any fight.)

The Baron's court scenes include no furniture, none. No throne. (No budget, no prop master who knew how to make furniture? Both? Is the King on a budget? Allergic to wood and fabric?)

Jurgen Prochnow overacts tremendously, irritatingly so. Das Boot this is not. Das Bomb? Yes.

The whole movie is just, bad.

Every copy should be bought up and stockpiled to become required purchase and viewing by all theater and performing arts students. A lesson in exactly how not to make a movie.

That is the only thing I can think of which might redeem this drivel.

Reason 1: Boobs. Due to the vintage of this movie, you are seeing all REAL boobs. All other reviews aside, this is a soft core movie. Plot, blah, blah...this is a great boob movie, period. There are many scenes of toplessness and more. Some of the best real, natural boobs ever caught on film. A must have on blu-ray or better for any boob lover.

Reason 2: Bush. Again, the date of this movie dictates forested naughty bits. You do see this, many times. Awesome.

Reason 3: Aviation history. Watch the opening credits to accurately see how people flew before the 747 and other wide-bodies. There's even a Russian airliner shown. Also shown are old terminals and many bygone airlines.

Remember, this is first, foremost and lastly a boob movie. If you love clothed women, watch something else.

Topless extras hanging out! Joanna Kerns in a leotard! Dr. Goodhead getting an abortion! The trampy nubile French mom from Earthquake!, not wearing bras, drinkin' scotch and all naked and stuff! And Elizabeth Ashley, a black marketeer who smokes! Who said the women's lib stuff filmed for the movie hit the cutting room floor? I have to quote Gomer Pyle, "Well Ghaaalleee!" If you regularly watch the 700 Club, you'll see this as a pornfest of loose, amoral whores, gallivanting around, snooping where they aren't supposed to, being voyeurs in the men's showers and breaking things. That commie pinko Douglas breaks stuff too! That French tart must have corrupted him being all naked outta wedlock. What's with all the hussies, hangin' out with just fussy britches on! So many tramps, not doing what they're told, not even dying when the man wants 'em dead, then getting good men killed! My word! A 1978 PG movie, those were the days! It's another great Michael Crichton film.