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markustkaczyk
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The Gray Man (2022)
Uninteresting, Uninspired, Unoriginal Swill
I wont bore you with a long protracted review.
If you're stuck in a hospital for the weekend, or you're being held at gunpoint - these are the only two scenarios I can recommend watching this movie.
Everything in this film has been done before, and done much better.
Their "Character development" is laughable - the same boring old tropes, half the time not even bothering to fill in the blanks, so to speak. You're left with these empty shells, loosely based on other characters from movies that are actually interesting.
The plot is about as deep as Florida's gene-pool. Don't bother looking for anything of note here.
I made it about halfway through before giving up entirely.
TLDR - Don't waste your time unless you qualified for medical assistance in dying, and wish to be bored to death.
Hoops (2020)
An Embarrassment to Comedy
I'm going to keep this short and sweet:
I didn't even make it through the pilot episode.
Evidently somebody convinced these writers that a "Mad-Libs" approach to comedy is a good idea. "Ok, what are 3 vulgar adjectives, and 2 nouns that we can add to this bit of dialogue to make coach seem edgy".
A Slapdash, haphazard, bland script with no redeemable qualities that I could find.
I've put more thought into the dump I took while writing this review. Honestly.
If you find random strings of cussing interesting, you're probably better off visiting an Alzheimer's ward in a long term care facility. At least the volunteer hours might be tax deductible.
Deputy (2020)
Proves unwatchable within the first 2 minutes
Very rarely are we graced with a show so poorly conceived, so terribly written, that it shows its true colours within the very first scene.
I'd like to personally thank everyone involved with this stinker for making the officer's initial speech so unbearably awful, that noone in their right mind would continue watching, unless specifically held at gunpoint.
If Aliens ever attack, footage of this show will be used as proof that no intelligent life exists on this planet, thus saving us from an extra terrestrial-led genocide. So i guess there's that.
River Runs Red (2018)
I've read cereal boxes with more engaging dialogue
I'm not kidding here folks - this is some of the worst writing i've ever encountered.
There is precisely ZERO believable dialogue in this entire train wreck of a movie.
They hard cut from scene to scene, and stumble through the delivery of some of the most inauthentic, cut-and-paste, randomly generated 'dramatic dialogue' you can imagine. I honestly wonder if they bothered to edit their initial draft, or if they merely lifted little Timmy's highschool drama assignment, and tried to pass it off as a movie.
Without getting too spoilery, there's a scene where George Lopez smashes a judge's window, and literally screams "WHO ARE YOU" in his face, to which the judge responds "i'm Judge ________". George's character immediately calms down and responds with "Yeah, well i didn't ask you who you were". WHAT!?? read 2 lines back Mr. Editor. He literally just asked him who he was?! What is happening in this god awful movie?
If i had any hair left, i'd consider tearing it out if i had to sit through the entirety of this movie.
I award you no stars, and may god have mercy on your souls.
Origin (2018)
A walking cliche....in space
I'll keep it short and sweet here.
The dialogue is awkward, and delivered as poorly as it was written. The actors make little attempt to make me believe that they're doing anything but delivering god-awful lines in a high school production of Oklahoma in space.
The setting is interesting enough, with some nice visuals. I get the sense that they're trying to develop a John Carpenter vibe ala "the thing".
The characters themselves, after 2 episodes, are one giant cliche after another. Sloppily pasted together flashbacks are the name of the game in Origin. We are then held emotionally hostage as each character is immediately forced to relive a moment from their 'tragic past', in a vain attempt at character development.
The plot itself is predictable, and i often found myself rolling my eyes, fighting the urge to change the channel while the all too obvious resolution to conflict plays itself out in agonizingly slow detail.
3 jump-scares in the span of 30 seconds, and a handful more scattered throughout the episode. Either somebody sent every one of these characters to Ninja school, or they're selectively deaf when exploring dangerous, spooky spaceships all alone. And who waits until they're RIGHT behind somebody to get their attention. Seriously, who wrote this crap?
The jump scare is the laziest, least inspired way to force-feed tension to the viewer. The fact that Origin uses them so recklessly is honestly no surprise to me.
I really wanted to like this one - but if this movie was a dog, i'd be hard-pressed not to put it out of its own misery.
Jack Ryan (2018)
Jim from 'The Office', feels like a fish out of water
I really wish they would stop casting John Krasinski in these serious roles. I'm not buying it one bit. Of the 5 prestigious characters to play Jack Ryan, Krasinski is the least convincing - and that should speak volumes when you consider Chris Pine is in the mix.
The plot felt contrived, and the acting was akin to a college level drama production. I came in with a fresh pair of eyes, and a neutral attitude, but i left with a bad taste in my mouth.
No thank you.
The Magicians (2015)
Ho Hum
In the midst of watching the pilot as I write this, so forgive my, no doubt distracted stream of consciousness.
Yet another magical world, where the backdrop is a school for the gifted, hidden from the world of 'mere mortals', with some nefarious Doomsday clock, ticking ever closer to annihilation. *yawn* Magic supposedly opens a world of infinite possibilities, yet the creators were content to use the same tired, recycled (ad-nauseum at this point) themes. Sure some of the details have been changed, but it's clear that this is a sad imitation of the works of Rowling, Rothfuss et al.
The writing is uninspired, the characters; mundane and forgettable - seemingly pulled from a hat filled with pre-generated archetypes. I recognize that the cryptic, information- withholding characters are a plot device, but when every character fills that roll, often seemingly without purpose, it becomes quickly stale.
I'm not seeing a whole lot here to draw me in for future viewing.
Another romp in the land of early-adult drama, with a minor infusion of magic. A vain attempt to capitalize on the efforts of similar, superior work.
Colour me uninterested.
Sneaky Pete: Pilot (2015)
Drama by numbers
In 3 words, how would i describe "Sneaky Pete":
Predictable, Uninspired, Shallow
Each scene is marred by an overwhelming feeling of haste, as if dallying too long will unravel the shoddy plot. There is no cohesion, no glue that binds everything together. It felt like a flurry of average ideas, hastily mashed together, and presented to the audience, expecting us to accept it all at face value.
The writing feels graceless, forced, and lacking direction. I can almost see the impending conflict(s) on the drawing board as they're laid out in each scene - the solutions to which range from lazy to downright boring. It would not surprise me if some clash of vision led to the resolutions to in-show conflicts being drawn from a hat - filling in the blanks along the way. I caught myself several times, face in hand, groaning at the predictability of it all.
The relationships between characters feels equally artificial. I've made deeper connections in the line of the supermarket. The acting is sub-par, and the dialogue is uninspired.
I cannot recommend this show to anyone.
Quite frankly, it left a bad taste in my mouth.
Avoid unless hospitalized with a chronic illness, and the only alternative is reruns of Wheel of Fortune.