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Hawaiian Ghost Stories (2015)
Just Horrible
The most important thing I have to say is actually a request. Please, NEVER allow the Cousins to ever touch a camera again, to never write such crap, to never direct anything other than traffic. Let me back up; never let them direct anything including traffic (I think I just saved lives).
This is supposed to be "Hawaiian" ghost stories yet the 2nd story is an urban legend that has been around since before I was born and has nothing to do with Hawaii. The third story was about the Philippine legend, the Aswang. The backstory they gave for the origin of the Aswang is totally wrong. The most ridiculous part was Blake Cousins asking an old Filipino man about the Aswang that attacked him. The latter apparently understood English and answered in the Ilocano dialect (there was no subtitles so I asked my wife to translate but she couldn't because she said it was Ilocano and she speaks Bisayan and Tagalog). Then, another question is asked and now another person translates for the old man. Apparently the latter forgot English. The old man answers and the 2nd man translates it. They go to the site of the attack. Blake asks another question and this time the old man replies in English. Now apparently he forgot Ilocano.
I skipped ahead a bit (a lot) to where the recently dug up, dead, desiccated Aswang escapes from the car trunk. They chose it, it chases them, and I exit the movie. Video quality was sub-sub-par and the ridiculous acting of the Cousins brothers made my popcorn revert back to kernels. Maybe the movie might have been better if it had a budget of more than $12.
I am now in a tattoo parlor getting the names of the Cousins brothers other assumed cinematic disasters tattooed on my arm so I have a constant reminder of movies I never want to watch.
The Back Pages (2017)
So much potential
The plots are interesting. The dialogue is horrible. The actors are atrocious. They are just really, really, really bad. Their movements are robotic and their facial expressions are ridiculous. When they're supposed to be sad you want to laugh. When they're emoting anger you want to laugh. When they're supposed to be funny (like the ridiculous old man in episode 3) you want to vomit. The show could have been so much better if they hired actual actors instead of pulling people in from the streets. Did the director have any experience or did he just ignore the ridiculousness in front of the cameras for the sake of a quick paycheck?
Apocalypse (2017)
Horrible, garbage, unwatchable - even these can't describe this movie.
Bad, just really, really, really, really bad. Unbelievably, 3 reviewers rated this movie 10 stars. But then again, they believe the 2020 election was stolen too.
San Andreas Quake (2015)
My vomit says it all.
This is, I believe, my first movie review. Roger Ebert I am not. But after watching this movie I had to, just absolutely had to, write a review for this movie. So here goes.
Read every other 1 star review, combine them in a cocktail shaker, shake vigorously and then pour it out. Voilà, my review.
The acting in this was so beyond horrible that a word does not even exist for how bad it was. In one sequence, Nick tells Molly they are taking a shortcut behind the ZOO. They see loose animals not native to this continent and one busts through a gate that says City ZOO. After being saved from one of these animals by Nick, Molly utters "Must've escaped from the ZOO, huh?" And the 10 minute soliloquy to her stepdaughter using a tablet while in the dark and sitting in oxygen displacing lethal gas made ME want to mix some ammonia with bleach and inhale.