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Reviews
No Room for Groceries (2006)
Gives you faith in low budgets
I recently saw this movie, and I must say, at first I was skeptical. I heard that it was really low budget and I expected it to be low quality as well. When I was finished watching it, I was more than happy to admit I was wrong. This movie makes you forget about how low budget it was because unlike a lot of Hollywood studio movies, this film was actually FUNNY!! The acting was pretty good all around, I really enjoyed the dialogue between the two lead characters, and I also enjoyed some of the crazy people they encounter along their adventure. So, if you're looking to have your faith restored in the low budget comedy scene, I can recommend this original little story.
Black Spring Break 2: The Sequel (2001)
The mikes go TOWARD the actor
Throughout the course of history, many things have been crafted in the interest of making life better for man kind. Some have made life easier for us all, like plumbing or electricity. Other creations have entertained us and may have enlightened our souls. Great works of art for instance
Even certain films have bought joy to many peoples lives and I can confidently state that "Black Spring Break 2: The Sequel" must be the excrement of those previously mentioned accomplishments.
Not to be negative, but fun is fun, and this movie is about as fun as being a chunk of human cheddar in a giant cheese grater.
I won't knock anybody for lack of budget. If the movie doesn't look up to the "Hollywood" standard, that's fine
As a matter of fact, that IS what independent film-making is all about; being able to express an original idea without having to conform to the pre conceived ideas of the establishment. I'm all for that! That's what keeps the industry on it's toes. But this film is the reason why the studios don't just hand out money for a new point of view. This very film. If I had to argue a case for my opinion in a hypothetical court of law, I would have only one piece of evidence at my disposal
this pitiful, meandering, dysfunctional, detestable pile of wasted DV tapes.
Sorry, I really needed to get that out of my system. I figured that since the folks that put together this little pearl in an ocean of cinematic medical waste, tortured me with over an hour of meaningless plot, achingly bad acting, amateur editing and worst of all wretched, wretched sound, that the least I could do, be constructive. Note to the crew: If you're going to film at the beach, use directional mikes, so you don't pick up as much of the waves crashing, and instead, maybe a touch more of the dialogue. Don't get me wrong, the dialogue wasn't worth hearing anyway, but at least maybe if you recorded it right I wouldn't have to strain to find out it was written by children, on toilet paper. On the visual front, it was obviously digital. Like I've stated earlier, I don't fault people for a low budget. You get the best camera you can afford, and you dive in. But for future reference, before you dive in, maybe you should lean how to focus the camera properly. Perhaps you could even figure that tricky exposure button out, too
That's only if you get the chance, let's work on one problem at a time here, and for now the problem is the focus. Concentrate.
O.K., now that you got that down, I'll leave the filmmakers alone and focus on the real villains at the Starz network. At some point, a man in an office received this film, viewed it, I'm assuming in its entirety, and then traded good, real money for the "right" to unleash it on an innocent planet, which did nothing to harm him. Or maybe it did. Maybe whoever purchased this opus was so distraught by a world that shunned him that he decided to set loose this terrible scourge on the rest of his fellow humans. I doubt that's what did it, but at least it's a theory, and unfortunately it's the only one that I have on why, why, oh god why this travesty was aired. In conclusion: This film will cause nausea, dizziness and a serious bout of general malaise. Avoid at all costs, or suffer consequences.
Kuffs (1992)
I'd rather be in hand Kuffs
I will keep this short and sour. I'd like to get into the sheer horrors that this movie lays out there, but there is a one thousand word maximum, so that would be impossible.
First of all, any effort to make exposition any less painful than it became was clearly abandoned in the early stages of the writing process and replaced with painful "into the camera" sequences. Not only does this device show an astonishing lack of creativity, but it also grates on your nerves after an hour and a half. I'm not saying I expected this film to be some fine accomplishment of cinema. Or even less than a total embarrassment for everyone involved, including the viewer, but to unleash this on an unsuspecting public is just cruel.
On a totally superficial side note... How short is Christian Slater? I never thought him to be a tall man, but unless everyone else in the film is roughly the size if Shaquille O'Neal, Mr. Slater should inquire about membership to the lollipop guild.
The Skulls (2000)
Caleb Mandrake?
Rob Cohen is perhaps the most reprehensible man in America today. His hatred, foulness and general contempt for his fellow human being is painfully apparent in his direction of "The Skulls." I live in Arizona, at the base of a small mountain, where I took an after dinner walk one fine evening in a futile attempt to thwart the large meal I had just eaten. While walking on the desert path up the glorified hill, I came upon a man being torn limb from limb by a pack of bloodthirsty coyotes. The man was helpless as the beasts gnawed his bones. My first instinct was to run over and help, but then logic came over me, thinking that the animals didn't quite look full, I decided to simply offer assistance from a comfortable proximity. I tried to reassure the man, I told him I'd run and call for help. Just as I began my frantic sprint for the nearest phone I heard the man's faint and withered voice call to me. "No" he said. I ignored, thinking he must be delirious with blood loss or possibly some tragic new form of instantaneous rabies, when I heard it again, "No". Being a person that does not usually disregard the dying wishes of another, I inquired further. "You don't want me to get help?" I asked him. "No" he responded "I've just seen The Skulls in its entirety and this is the only solution". For a moment I thought the man to be insane and continued my jaunt for help. Somewhere between the man's whimpers of pain and the video store I must have changed my mind, and decided to rent "The Skulls", instead.
It was all too curious. After all, what form of cinematic bungle could make a person wish for such a cruel personal demise? What tragedy of celluloid might cause a man to invite that degree of brutality upon himself? I had to know
and about three minutes into this miserable opus I completely understood. By the time act two was about wrapping up, after being pummeled with bad lighting, blatantly flagrant exposition and characters with names like Caleb Mandrake, I too, was ready and willing to become nothing more than coyote fodder, if that's what it took to wipe clean the disgraceful memory of this film from my mental hard drive. Unfortunately for me, these particular desert stalkers had moved on and therefore would not be having dessert. Me, on the other hand, I did have dessert. In the form of an encore Skulls viewing. Maybe I'll try throwing myself over the railing of the lion display at the local zoo instead.
This film is rotten to the core and I firmly believe in my heart of hearts that this would be the only way to cleanse myself of its stink. Beware, this could happen to you. That is, unless you've been LOOKING for a Starship Troopers type expose, this time on the rigors of the secret society scene, complete with robotic acting, wretched plot/dialogue and a disturbingly odd Craig T. Nelson moustache. If that is what you're in the market for, seek immediate help, then rent- no, BUY The Skulls. You will be thoroughly rewarded. By the way
zoo hours are 9-6.
Rhinestone (1984)
Sly on a horse... GOLD
Can you say "Oscar snubs"? Think about the range here... Dolly Parton, a friendly country singer? Sylvester Stallone, a complete moron? I want awards all around! And that's just the acting. The story is also quite the ringer... Dolly Parton makes a bet that she can turn an illiterate, marble mouthed Stallone into a country music sensation. Wait, don't just run out to the video store and pick this little gem up, I have much more to say. This might sound like sassy romantic comedy, with sprinklings of musical bliss laced throughout, but it's much more. Rhinestone is by far and away, the funniest movie that I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes on. It's got it all, ethnic stereotypes, snappy one liners and Sly on a horse. It's a shame that I didn't really see that because I was in a Rhinestone induced, fetal position for most of the latter parts of the film. When the film mercifully came to an end, I was left with only one emotion: Utter pity and sadness for Parton. Not for Stallone, though. All I could muster for him was touch of anger and heapin' helpin' of disdain. But Dolly, I like her. I don't know much about her music, but she seems like a nice lady. The fact that she had to endure hours, days and weeks of hearing that arm wrestling', grenade throwing, mountain climbing, Russian punching, Judge Dredding, Tango & Cashing embarrassment attempt to sing is a tribute to her apparently good nature. Somewhere at the end of this muddled disaster, Sly wins over the crowd is obviously on his way to Nashville. Only problem is he sounds exactly the same as when he started! But now everyone thinks he's good...I guess the music business is more than I grasp. All that said, it is hilarious. Sure you laugh AT it, rather than WITH it. But who am I to judge? There is one scene in the movie that will make you laugh AND was intended to be funny, that's the unfortunate wanna be singer who belts out "The Day My Baby Died". The actor pulls it off and I have to admit, the song is pretty funny. My only conclusion is that it's the lone part of the movie that Stallone had absolutely nothing to do with. Just a hunch.
The Hard Way (1991)
Got an hour and 51 minutes?
Now this is something that I can wrap my head around. It is said throughout the course of this adventure that there are two ways of doing things... "The easy way... and the hard way". I chose the hard way and watched the entire film. Multiple times. A glutton for punishment, you ask? Well... maybe, but it's more than that. This movie has much to offer. For example: Michael J. Fox plays the startlingly true to life role of an actor, in WAY over his head. If that doesn't convince you, this will... At one point during the scene where M. J. Fox is pretending to be James Woods' girlfriend, if you pause the DVD at precisely the right moment, you can actually see the usually reliable James Woods hit rock bottom. Absolute zero, baby. This isn't as bad as it seems for Mr. Woods, considering Big Fox has these moments several times per minute on screen. Another interesting note is that the second unit director is none other than Rob Cohen. You may know him from his many cinematic achievements, such as XXX, The Fast and the Furious, and The Skulls. Normally I'd doubt that a mere second unit director could possibly leave his wretched fingerprint on a piece of work, but in this case I'm pretty sure something must have oozed over onto the first unit. It would explain a lot. Needless to say, I love this movie! Except the length... Not quite long enough. Sure, it's an hour and fifty one minutes that most closely resembles a twenty year stint on death row, but when someone is doling out this kind of beating, I say, stick out your chin and enjoy the sweet agony.