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Reviews
The Umbrella Academy (2019)
A waste of a good premise.
Where do I even begin? The show has an excellent premise, a "family" of superheroes with huge family issues. Each of them has a different personality and powers. The directing, visual effects, soundtrack, everything is top notch. All is well so far, and only so far.
Every single problem they have could be solved by literally talking for 5 seconds. Let's say A steals something from B and C sees him. A tells B that C stole it, and B says "give it back or I'll hit you". A normal answer from C would be "B is lying". But here, we have so much forced tension that C replies with "I will kill you if you try".
There are time skips (scene starts at night, ends up next day at midday), continuity issues (one moment they don't even have money, and the next they all have new clothes and a car?), incoherent character development (it seems everyone has split personalities), and many more bad writing.
And of course, we have the elephant in the room. Vanya. Luther went from locking her up to choosing "him" as his best "man".
"I go by Viktor now. Does anyone have a problem with that?"
One of the few times that a recast would have been perfectly acceptable.
The Killer (2023)
I am unable to endure boredom, therefore this wasn't for me.
Movies portraying smart and methodical people should be written by smart (and methodical) people. This wasn't.
In the Spy Game, we are told Brad Pitt is good, because we see the results of his actions (when he enters the apartment and drinks tea). In No Country for Old Men, we see that Javier Bardem is good, because we even see him planning (booking the next room to familiarize himself with the layout).
This movie tried to do both, and failed.
In the first minutes The Killer is portrayed as a cautious assassin, leaving no evidence behind, blending everywhere seemlessly. Yet, the rest of the movie contradicts this constantly.
We see him listen to music as he is taking the shot, despite not having secured the entrance. He is running away from police, while not even being chased. He tries to be inconspicuous, but is standing out from a simple transaction in a store (where he leaves a huge tip) to boarding the plane (badly injured). He is even staking out his targets mere meters from their own homes, sleeping in his car, visible.
The fight scene was pretty good, if his chin was stronger than Henderson's and Diaz's combined. Even those body shots would have resulted in a knockdown at the very least.
{I won't even bother with mentioning the ending.}
Overall, a good background movie, where you won't miss any crucial detail if you decide to see your notifications for a second, or nap for 15 minutes.
Pray for Death (1985)
Watchable only in the 80s
I can't really remember when I added this movie to my to-watch-list, but I expected it to be at least decent.
It wasn't.
The plot is what you'd imagine. A ninja trying to leave it all behind and become a family man, comes to America and trouble finds him. Passable.
The acting was... there. You could tell the inexperience, but still, it's a basic action movie.
The fights though, they were bad. And knowing ANY martial arts, makes it unwatchable.
From the completely unrealistic little kid beating up teenagers two and three times his size, to Kosugi doing backflips that serve no purpose (unless your purpose is to be vulnerable), and punches that you wouldn't even feel but almost kill the receivers, everything was bad.
The sound effects and cinematography which included far too many cuts to try and hide the stunts, are laughable.
Some parts were straight out of The Three Stooges.
All in all, I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone, unless it's a cult-movie night and you want to laugh.
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)
Faithful recreation of the awful acting in the RE 1 game
I was certain that this was a Netflix production. Since they changed the race of every protagonist.
Turns out it's just a bad movie made by people who don't know what it's based on. But, they got the spirit of the bad voice acting and awkward animations just right.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
What if the Wachowskis took the blue pill?
What made the Matrix such a big deal? It combined philosophical questions about the nature of our reality and free will, with guns and kung fu. The reason it worked was simply because even if you didn't care about anything other than the fight scenes, you could still enjoy it.
This blatant cash grab featured nothing of those things. Bad fight scenes with too many cuts, out of focus gunfights, characters you didn't even remember their names, let alone care about what would happen to them.
They tried to cash in on that nostalgia so hard, half the movie was the older movies in flashbacks.
If you liked the trilogy, this movie never came out. Think of it as a surrealistic fan made attempt. Although, fans would have done a far better job.
Shinboru (2009)
Stay away from drugs.
This movie was a hit among some of my friends in college. Including a girl that became my girlfriend.
She was nagging me to watch it for months, years perhaps. We broke up, and after a while, we came close again. That's when I finally succumbed to watching it.
After 40 minutes, she turned it off.
Every single person that saw this movie and thought it was funny or smart or whatever, was stoned out of their mind. That time, she wasn't, hence the unbearableness.
If you don't do drugs, good for you. Stay away from them, and this movie. This is the only way it can be enjoyable of any kind.
Get Out (2017)
Racist movie over-hyped by SJWs
First of all, in order for you to enjoy a horror movie, you need to relate with the protagonist. The main character in this movie keeps on the same dull and lifeless expression throughout most of the movie, like he is constantly lost in his own thoughts. Even when someone comes out of the woods running at him full speed, he remains there frozen, staring into the void.
The plot twist is easy to anticipate early on. This makes the second half of the movie boring and tedious. Actually, you know who the bad guys are half hour in the movie, it's really easy since there are no good guys apparently.
Finally, this movie took the concept of Skeleton Key and replaced magic with science and blacks with whites.
And if you ask why this movie has high ratings, is because of modern politics. Every single white person is portrayed as evil and envious of black people, in every aspect. Skin colour, muscles, talent, even eyes. Thus, critics gave it high ratings.
Erufen rîto (2004)
And I'm being generous...
Some humans evolved out of nowhere, and the offspring are Diclonii. These are mostly girls with purple hair, horns and invisible hands. For some reason they want to destroy humanity.
One institute has them captured and is testing on them. The guards are only there to be killed, since the weapons assigned to them are useless, even though they know which weapons are effective.
Lucy, the protagonist, escapes and is taken care of by Kohta, the other protagonist while the institute searches for them.
As the story goes on, EVERY SINGLE FEMALE falls in love with our protagonist, while also throwing ecchi scenes to... please some audiences. Also, due to artwork, you can't really tell if the girls are 5 or 20 years old.
Furthermore, the dialogues of the females make you wonder if the writers ever met a real woman in real life.
I had no problem with gore and blood, it was a bit over the top, but you knew that already.
Also, don't expect any character development. Every single character can be accurately described in 5 words or less.
Two examples:
Kohta, lonely male with healed PTSD.
Lucy, telekinetic monster with bipolar disorder.
Overall, I don't know why I watched this. Probably because of that DeathBattle and the unjustified high rating.
Sorry to Bother You (2018)
I created an account just and only to protect you from this SJW cringefest
The plot is simple, economy is ruined and everyone is struggling to find a job. Therefore a company is created that provides food and shelter for lifelong work contracts. As the movie progresses, the tactics used by them are revealed to be increasingly darker and unethical.
But why is it so bad? Because it simply is incredibly boring. I only saw this movie because of the high rating it has, but now I realized that happens just and only because it so many "anti-racist" features.
The female protagonist is a radical feminist that has an art exhibit, which of course, is centered on Africa and how EVERYTHING comes from there.
To progress socially and professionally one must act white, literally. Of course, when the black protagonist does it he is deemed as Uncle Tom and a sellout. Plus, he has to make fun of other black people.
And every white person with a dialogue is evil, not even subtle.
The acting was decent though, except the protagonist. He always looks like he is overthinking, even at the simplest things to the point you wonder if he is on the spectrum.