mumia-1's Reviews

Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)

3/10

11 September 2022

I think there is a truly good movie hidden somewhere in this wanting to come out. But it is chocked by all the cringe and bad comedy. This is the most schizophrenic movie I have ever seen, as every meaningful dramatic scene is instantly nullified by a worthless, pointless comedy scene.

If this was made by a competent writer and director as a proper Marvel movie, like they used to make them, it could have been great. It contains all the right pieces scattered and broken, but unfortunately they are never put together like Mjolnir.

Lack of talent really becomes obvious when you have all the right ingredients and you still can't make anything of worth. Because this is worthless both as comedy and as drama.

Much of the criticism is dismissed with "Oh it's just a fantasy why do you take it so seriously?" or worse "Why can't you enjoy it for what it is?" I don't know, why can't you enjoy a bad meal for what it is? Why should a bad movie be enjoyed?

Story/writing: 3/10 - a weak comedy containing hints of a good movie visuals: 3/10 - muscle suits and mediocre CGI acting: 4/10 - If the director doesn't take it seriously why should the actors? It's all a big joke direction / editing: 3/10 - thank Zeus he is not coming back, but the audience might not either, the damage is done

Overall impression: 3/10

I can't even recommend it as guilty pleasure. This is not so bad it's good, it's just bad enough to make you angry and gnaw at your senses. And give you that tickling feeling in the back of your head: What if it was made by people who respected the material and the audience?

P. S: Natalie Portman had the opportunity to join the greatest female action stars, and be mentioned on one page with Linda Hamilton in T2, or Jessica Biel in Blade Trinity., Instead she will be forever known as the actress who wore a rubber muscle suit.

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Galveston (2018)

5/10

Zero reward

13 April 2019

I was waiting for this movie to give any kind of satisfaction, but this movie gives none, no closure, no reward.

It does not matter how good the directing or the videography is if it is wasted on an unsatisfactory story.

Movies have one job: To entertain or at lest uplift the viewers spirit. This movie made me feel terrible. I don't want a movie to drill it in how harsh and unjust reality can be. While everything that happens in it is plausible and can and probably does happen in reality many times, that doesn't mean it's a good idea to write it into a movie. A movie should have meaning, or at lest a partially positive outcome that makes you feel the suffering in it amounted to something.

I wish I never watched this. Not because it is a bad movie, but because it is a terrible experience, and leaves you in a worse mood than you had before you started watching it.

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The Grand Tour (2016–2024)

2/10

TG is dead and this can't fill the void

27 November 2016

I didn't want to write off the grand tour after the first episode, so I waited until the second one dropped at least.

Unfortunately it changed nothing. The shows looks like as if the producers gave completely free reign to the three clowns. And we get a barely legal ripoff of Top Gear.

Don't get me wrong I loved them in Top Gear, almost every episode was brilliant.

But this one is completely off the rails, and not in a good way. I felt embarrassed for the bad jokes and awkward punchlines while watching it.

The chemistry between the three can't lift this show off the ground. It seems that they couldn't turn the humongous budget into a consumable show. Like the mobile studio which adds no value whatsoever. The viewer just sees the same interior all the time. And the guest car builder stood out like a sore thumb from the show's structure. And they only really had a few awkward words with him either way.

The cheesiest part of the show is definitely the "American" they're throwing out age old clichés that don't seem even remotely funny. It's bad even as self irony.

As far as the format goes it's too much like Top Gear, but it's nothing like Top Gear at the same time. In it's current state the show is not working.

It seems that they're having a lot of fun while filming, but the end result is disastrous even after what seems extensive time in the editing room.

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Bastille Day (2016)

7/10

A mixed bag

4 September 2016

Ever wanted to know what happens when you mix 24, Bourne, Die Hard III, and Luther on a tight budget, and then you spice it all with a little Luc Besson? Then you have your answer right here.

It's a fast paced, no-nonsense action spy thriller, without a single piece of originality. But it manages to present all the borrowed bits and pieces in a way, to deliver a very entertaining experience.

The main character is almost a carbon copy of the title character in Luther, so Elba naturally revels in the role. They even managed to include one of my favorite lines from Luther, the little thieves. Which is funny since the second main character is actually a thief in this. Self irony maybe? The movie never slows down, not for a minute. I haven't seen anything like it for quite some time. There is less Neutral Gear in here, than in Luc Bessson's original Taxi.

Of course you shouldn't expect a masterpiece. The characters are all shallow, and the story is predictable. It doesn't even try to be clever, it just gives you everything at face value.

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The Assassination Bureau (1969)

9/10

Surprisingly enjoyable

22 August 2016

Usually I'm not a fan of old movies, not by a long shot. I consider them cheesy and unbearably boring. But this is one of the exceptions to that rule.

This is a lighthearted comedy, even though it works with very serious theme. But it does it wonderfully, I never felt that it was inappropriate. The lightheartedness is there through the entire 110 minutes. I guess I could compare it to the Great Race from 1965. It uses the same road movie style, with a little bit of romantic side story. Some could even go as far to say it's a rip off, but that's not entirely true. It could've gotten some inspiration there, but It's different in just enough ways for the resemblance to be a plus rather than a minus. But maybe it's just my bias talking as the Great Race is one of my other favorite old movies.

The acting is of course typical sixties, over the top, stage play style. But in comedies that is even beneficial as it makes the punchlines hit that much harder.

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Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

5/10

I don't know what I just saw

16 July 2016

On the scale of comic universe based movies, this is on the very low end. Actually this is probably the least enjoyable I saw. But that's misleading since I avoided the ones with the worst reputation like green lantern and Mr freeze.

Of course production quality is excellent, except for using a cgi company that remarkably has zero understanding of Newtonian physics. I suspect they're the same group that is responsible for other atrocities I saw in other high budget movies. The scenes with cars stand out like a sore thumb. They flail around like they have no weight and seem rigid like granite.

Of course that's not my main issue with the movie.

Unfortunately Ben Affleck didn't became any better at acting since Armageddon. Since that's the last movie I remember him from. So naturally his portrayal of Bruce Wayne didn't impress me much either. He seems like a drunken peasant who's about to fall asleep all the time. Zero screen presence and class.

His Batman is good on the other hand, but you don't need much acting talent to wear a mask and have your voice altered to sound bad-ass.

The action in the movie is typical of today's high budget flicks. Everything feels plastic and make believe, not enough practical effects, and too many post process effects. Not just full on cgi, but image filters as well. It just feels unreal and unnatural. Feels like I'm not looking at a real movie but the cut-scenes of a video game.

As they try to make bigger explosions and grander fighting it looses spirit badly. When the hero is literally thrown trough 5 buildings and stands up like nothing happened, it kind of takes away the suspense. Please tone it down to a relatable scale. Batman is not supposed to be supernatural, yet there is nothing natural about him in this one. They probably did it to match superman more, but it just takes everything to the realm of impossible, where no amounts of suspension of disbelief is enough.

Also there is the problem of lack of a better villain. Lex Luther just doesn't feel like a proper villain you can root against, or respect. He just an idiot with a mental disorder, he's neither threatening, or menacing, he's like air. You just see past him and ask yourself, OK but who is the real villain, this can't be it.

And what is up with the constant religious references and parallels? They say Christ and Jesus more times in the movie than Jack Bauer says Damn it. And they show people praying and casting crosses on themselves. It feels out of place. Movies never show random people acting religious. Why is it presented here so aggressively? Was the movie funded by the catholic church or what?

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Vigilante Diaries (2016)

2/10

Not the worst movie I saw, but a clear contender.

29 June 2016

There is no point in beating around the bush. This is a terrible movie.

It has big names in minor roles, but the main cast is actually one of the worst talent-less bunch I've ever saw. But by far the worst offender is Jason Mewes. I've never heard of the guy before but I'll be sure to avoid him in the future. He delivers all his lines in the wrong tone, evoking all the wrong emotions. Almost every second he's on screen is cringe worthy. Yes the writers wanted the character to be cringe worthy, but he's cringe worthy for all the wrong reasons, he's all over the place with his acting, or lack thereof.

The main hero / vigilante is your typical dull B action star, who fails miserably each time he supposed to show any emotion. Seems like a henchman level actor, who somehow ended up getting the title role trough some fluke.

And the story is a mess. All over the place. Out of sequence scenes, unexplained, confusing jumps in the time-line, that add nothing to the story or the drama. A prologue that does nothing to explain characters, and an epilogue scene which equally hangs in a void. Offering absolutely no explanation on not just the events in the movie, but you're left absolutely clueless even on what is happening in the epilogue. They even introduce a new character there. (Who is played by Trejo, so if you'd watch the movie because you're a fan of him, don't)

The action scenes suffer from lack of budget. Like they dump the G-Wagon because it's too expensive to do the chase scene with. But in the end they don't even smash up a single cheapo Russian transportation they switch to either. And even in this basic crash-less chase they manage to have some continuity errors. Like the bad guys vehicle changing from a different trim version of the same car from scene to scene. Gun fire is all done in post, so every car and person seems bullet proof in it.

Sound editing is terrible too. Some of the gun sounds are the worst I've heard on screen.

The only thing not messed up is cinematography which I guess could be called good, except for the shaky camera on action scenes, which some directors still can't leave behind.

All in all it's not the worst movie I saw, but I can't find any redeeming value in it. It's not as bad as the worst it could've been, but it's still very bad. Avoid it if you can.

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Looper (2012)

4/10

House of cards

26 December 2012

I really had a hard time getting through the first half of this movie. I tried to tell my brain not to think, but I just couldn't go "dumb enough". I almost felt like having to bite down on a stick it was so painful.

I mean the movie goes against everything we know about the laws of time and physics. Which in itself wouldn't be a problem (who can tell if what science knows now is completely right?) The problem is that even with the rewriting of the laws of time they still couldn't create a plot that would hold true.

But the biggest mistake they made is that they only tell you at about 45 minutes in that you have to forget everything about time and space to get your head around this movie. Had I known that I might have had less difficulty getting through the beginning.

If you as a movie writer dare rewrite the laws of nature, you'd better make damn sure that your story is plausible in your fictional universe.

Sadly that is not the case here. There are so many huge plot holes I lost count. The only reason I'm not going to write any examples is because they would contain spoilers.

But after getting through the first hour of the movie it starts to become fairly enjoyable even though the ending again contradicts their own theory. But if you manage to watch it till the end, you won't care about that.

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Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force (2000 Video Game)

8/10

Your very own Voyager Episode

31 August 2012

Yep, that's right, that is what this game is. At least it felt like that for me. Through the whole play-through I felt like I was taking active part in a real episode of the show. And one of the better ones at that.

However I wouldn't recommend the game to someone who is not a devoted Voyager fan, because that's the real value in it. The references to the show, and the characters that we became so fond of in seven years. And almost all the major characters appear in the game, voiced by the actor who actually played them in the series, so that's a big plus. Usually they don't pay attention to this in VG adaptations. Especially 12 years ago, when the budget of video games were a fraction of what it is today.

If you haven't played the game back when it came out, and you're a big fan of the show, I'd recommend that you give it a try, even though the graphics are dated. But hey, its a fair price to pay to be able to roam freely in voyager's corridors (this feature only becomes available after you install the latest patch for the game) Also if you can look past the graphics there is a very decent storyline, which would've made an excellent two-hour episode for the real show too.

Unfortunately as others mentioned before the game-play can be a bit boring at times towards the end, but its worth fighting your way through, for those very special Voyager moments.

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Brake (I) (2012)

1/10

Cheap "entertainment"

3 May 2012

I mean cheap because almost the whole movie takes place in a trunk of a car. There are exactly 0 I mean zero on location scenes. I usually don't judge a movie by its budget, and I'm not saying this movie is bad because of the low budget. It's bad because it doesn't entertain. After 20 minutes the whole trunk thing got really boring and pointless, and after 40 minutes I decided to jump ahead to almost the end of the movie and I can say I didn't miss anything. The whole movie can be understood If you watch the first five and the last 10 minutes. The in between part is a completely pointless piece of misery. And I need to state that the last 10 minutes aren't satisfying at all either. You don't get any kind of closure. A normal worthwhile terrorist movie would begin with the first and last ten minutes of this movie, and after that you would get an hour of expanding the plot and entertaining action sequences or whatever you desire.

If I want to sum up this movie its like an action movie with all the interesting and entertaining parts removed.

I'm very upset with myself that I wasted my time on this.

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Eyeborgs (2009)

2/10

What were they thinking?

16 August 2010

Warning: Spoilers

Or rather the problem probably is that they weren't thinking, or thought that the audience won't be thinking. Or any mixture of those.

Every and each character in the movie has an IQ around or less than fifty. While the basic idea and storyline has some faint potential in it (even if its a ripoff of the terminator franchise) the execution is below par, with 1-bit characters, crappy acting and crappy cgi sequences. The last two might be attributed to low budget, but you don't need loads of money for a good screenplay.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that this wasted strip of celluloid has over 5 points rating. Maybe the audience really isn't thinking, or did our standard really fall THIS LOW? What I really don't understand though is why did they make it to end like there is already a sequel in the making, did they honestly believe that this will be a hit or what? Or if I think more on it, the ending makes this look like it was intended to be a back-door pilot for a TV show. The ending could have been a title sequence for a TV series.

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Star Trek: Voyager (1995–2001)

10/10

The outright opposite of DS9

10 February 2007

Warning: Spoilers

Originally, I was very skeptical about Voyager, I was avoiding it at all costs. I was thinking that only the original (TOS) could be good, and the rest is just junk. Hell I was wrong, but don't jump that far ahead yet.

My basic idea was "A female captain? That can only be bad" So I was avoiding it in every way I didn't watch it in television, not even the n+1th rerun. In fact I haven't seen a single episode of it until last year. I only turned to it because when I finished TNG I had nothing to watch. And a friend recommended it, said that it's not as bad as I think. So I gave it a try. The first episode (the Caretaker) hasn't changed my opinion too much, but what came after that, surely did.

I was hooked immediately. Sometimes I watched 8-10 episodes in one day. I thought nothing could be better than TNG, but Voyager is better, it's more enjoyable. Yes there were some brilliant episodes in TNG, but on the whole I think Voyager is clearly better.

---SPOILER in next paragraph----

I loved all the characters in the series (except B'Elanna) but that doesn't mean she was not a good character. I just didn't like her. I was even a bit disappointed when Tom and her became involved. I thought he deserved so much better than a hysterical, arrogant, cocky half-Klingon who wasn't even pretty IMHO. I didn't like Neelix at first, but It changed after season 3. I realized that it was his exaggerated jealousy about Kes what was annoying me, so after Kes was gone, I started to like Neelix.

---END of spoilers---

I heard many ppl refer to voyager as the dumb star trek, or the worst of the franchise, but that's just untrue. I think it's not dumber than any other science fiction series, or Star Trek series. Of course there are some goofs in it, but which series doesn't have its own factual errors? Anyhow what I noticed is that the people who tend to like DS9, doesn't like Voyager. So if you hated DS9 you'll love Voyager, because I can't stand DS9, I tried to watch it many times, but failed at each attempt, I was ... but this would belong to a review about DS9, so I'll skip it now.

In my opinion Voyager is the Best Star Trek series. It has everything I love about Star Trek, while it has very little that I dislike.

---SPOILER Below---

The only thing I could complain about was the series finale if anything was dumb about voyager then that was it. The whole time travel thing and that armour thing was simply dumb, of course they could integrate a technology thirty years more advanced than their own into their ship in a matter of hours, at such scale. But what annoyed me even more about the finale that it didn't take the time, to tell what happened to the crew after their return to earth. It could have been at least one more episode about that.

But fortunately what was missing from the series finale was in the first part of the Voyager: Homecoming book by Christie Golden, so if you felt empty after Voyager, go on and read it. I'd love to see it make it to the screen, much more than this new "young kirk and young Spock craziness" but that just doesn't gonna happen. :(

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24 (2001–2010)

10/10

Don't judge by the first season

2 July 2006

I actually hate TV series. But as for every rule there has to be some exceptions to it. This is on of my exceptions. In my opinion what makes this series great is the actors. I've never seen anything not even big screen movies, where so many characters were this great. Almost every character is believable, or I could even say likable.

It's just can't be explained in writing. I urge everyone to watch this show, or if they don't show it in your country buy it on DVD. And why am I saying don't judge by the first season? Because it's not nearly as good as the rest. I agree the plot gets too thin. But the fact is that they haven't planned on running it for 24 episodes at first. They had to add some silly and unplanned twists to be able to make it that long. And also the regular characters are not as defined yet. I'd still recommend watching the first season, just keep in mind it only gets better for the rest. There are no stupidities in the other four seasons. I'm already frustrated that I'll have to wait at least 6 months for the sixth. (I hope there will be a sixth season)

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Chaos (II) (2005)

7/10

Much better than expected

1 May 2006

When I started watching this movie, I didn't expect much. in fact with Snipes and Statham, I assumed this was a typical silly action flick, like transporter 2. But I was wrong, very wrong. In fact this movie is really good. I've enjoyed watching it, which is a big thing cause it was quite a while since the last time I could say that to a movie. In my opinion Snipes plays a really good villain. But unfortunately for the fans, he doesn't get much screen time. OK, there are some clichés in the story, but it's still not a bad one, and you can't guess what will happen next. The only major weakness in the movie IMHO is Ryan Phillipe, his performance is just simply BAD (that should be in bold). If it wasn't for him I'd give this movie an eight. So all in all, I think this movie is worth watching especially for those who like thrillers. But if you only want to see Snipes and Statham fight, or you're looking for plain action, avoid it. There are no fights, and the action is limited to a single chase, and some gunfights.

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