- Finian McLonergan: What do you think makes America different from Ireland?
- Sharon McLonergan: It has more Irishmen?
- Finian McLonergan: America is full of millionaires.
- Sharon McLonergan: But Father, are there no ill clad or ill housed in America?
- Finian McLonergan: Aye, but they're the best ill clad and the best ill housed in the world.
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: You've been violating the law, here.
- Finian McLonergan: Since when?
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: This afternoon. I just finished drafting this.
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: [reading] Local ordinance number 7428: be it known that in the county of Rainbow Valley, it is a felony for members of the Caucasian and Negro races...
- Finian McLonergan: But it seems to me that this law could not be a legal law...
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Of course it's legal! I don't know where you immigrants get these radical, foreign ideas!
- Sharon McLonergan: From a wee book the immigration officer handed us. It's called 'The United States Constitution.'
- Finian McLonergan: Haven't you read it?
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: I don't have time to read it, I'm too busy defending it!
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: My family's been having nothing but trouble with immigrants ever since they come to this country!
- Finian McLonergan: You're an imposter! You can't be leprechaun you're too tall!
- Og: I know, and I'm getting taller!
- Finian McLonergan: How dare you come back here! Didn't I tell you you were an optical delusion?
- Og: I was ready to believe you yesterday but not today. Today I have proof!
- Finian McLonergan: What proof?
- Og: Does an optical illusion feel such a hungry yearning burning inside of him? Does an optical illusion feel the beat, beat, beat of the tom-tom in the roaring traffic's boom in his lonely room?
- Finian McLonergan: Are you flying high and wide on a magic carpet ride full of butterflies inside?
- Og: Aye, and what's worse, smoke keeps coming out of me eyes.
- Finian McLonergan: You go round like an elevator lost in the tide?
- Og: That's the feeling! Day and night, night and day! Give me your daughter, Mr. McLonergan.
- Finian McLonergan: Me daughter? What's she got to do with it?
- Og: She's the one under my skin.
- Finian McLonergan: Leprechaun, you're playing with fire.
- Og: I know, and the fire's winnin'!
- Sharon McLonergan: [looking in Finian's bag] It's gold!
- Finian McLonergan: Aye, it's a pot of gold.
- Sharon McLonergan: And you stole it!
- Finian McLonergan: I did not steal it! I only borrowed.
- Sharon McLonergan: Who did you borrow it from?
- Finian McLonergan: Why do you want to know?
- Sharon McLonergan: So we can lend it right back to him, that's why!
- Finian McLonergan: That's impossible! He's not mortal.
- Sharon McLonergan: You killed him!
- Finian McLonergan: Of course not! He never was mortal. He's a leprechaun.
- Sharon McLonergan: A leprechaun?
- Finian McLonergan: Of course! Who else would have gold in Ireland?
- Woody Mahoney: How'd you get so pretty? And so rich?
- Sharon McLonergan: Well, you see, in Glocca Morra, where we come from, there's an old legend, and it says: 'You'll never grow old and you'll never grow poor, if you look to the rainbow, beyond the next moor.'
- Woody Mahoney: That's a lovely legend.
- Sharon McLonergan: Aye.
- Woody Mahoney: I wonder who thought it up.
- Sharon McLonergan: My father: Finian McLonnergan.
- Finian McLonergan: How are things in Glocca Morra?
- Og: Oh, alas, alack, and willy-wally! I weep for Ireland.
- Finian McLonergan: Why, what's happened?
- Og: A blight has fallen over Ireland!
- Finian McLonergan: The British are back?
- Og: Never have I seen such a curse befall a folk in all me four hundrend and fifty... nine years! Poor Ireland!
- Finian McLonergan: Poor Ireland!
- Og: Suffering Ireland! The native land!
- Finian McLonergan: Me native land! A fine lot of faery folk you are! You and your associates letting all this happen! Why don't you wish it away?
- Og: We've lost the power!
- Finian McLonergan: You've lost the power to make wishes? What has Ireland to live for now! Answer me that!
- Og: Doom and gloom! DOOOOOOOOM AND GLOOOOOOOOM!
- Finian McLonergan: Who's the author of this foul outrage?
- Og: A monster, McLonnergan!
- Finian McLonergan: A monster? You mean the old flame-breathing type with the head of a dragon?
- Og: Oh, no, this is a tiny wee monster, about... your size.
- Finian McLonergan: Lead me to him! Who is this monster?
- Og: You'll excuse me for pointing, Mr. McLonnergan... but it's you.
- Finian McLonergan: Leprechaun, I've come to a decision! I deny your existence! You're only a figment of me imagination!
- Og: I am?
- Finian McLonergan: And I'll prove it to myself by walking right through you!
- [He walks toward Og]
- Finian McLonergan: Step aside!
- [Og jumps out of the way]
- Finian McLonergan: There, you see?
- Og: Oh, this is dreadful! I don't exist.
- Buzz Collins: Well, you'll like working here, Boy. I've hired all the senator's butlers for the past ten years. Hundreds of them. He's a little intolerant at times, but that's just his blood pressure. Now, let's see you serve that julep.
- [Howard serves it]
- Buzz Collins: Oh, no. Rawkins won't like that, that's no way to serve a julep. It's too fast. Get some shuffle into it. You've seen some of the new movies like 'Birth of a Nation' and 'Gone With the Wind,' haven't you? Here, like this, George.
- Howard: Howard.
- Buzz Collins: Yeah, okay, Jackson.
- [He does a splay-legged shuffle and imitates Rochester]
- Buzz Collins: Yo' julep suh, Massa Rawkins, suh, all frossy an' minty, yawk! Yawk! Yawk! You see, George?
- Howard: Uh... why do I have to shuffle?
- Buzz Collins: Oh, I don't have to explain that to you. It makes for kindly feelings between employer and employee. Now try it again, only not so fast this time.
- Howard: Uh... how did you do that again?
- Buzz Collins: I don't understand you Jackson. I mean, you don't walk like your supposed to, you don't talk like you're supposed to, you don't even know how to serve a julep like you're supposed to! Are you educated or something?
- Howard: Well, I'm working on my Masters.
- Buzz Collins: Working on your master's what?
- Howard: It's a college degree!
- Buzz Collins: Oh! Don't mention the word 'college' around the Senator! It upsets him. But that's beside the point, George. Do you want a job here or don't you?
- Howard: Well, yes sir I do, I... Ah needs da money.
- Buzz Collins: [cheerful] Oh! Well, that's all the more reason for you to make good here. Then when you get your... college degree, you've got a job here for life!
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: [dictating a speech to Buzz] Gentlemen, the festering tides of radicalism are upon us. But before I yield up our glorious South -and her sister commowealth, the U.S. of A - I will lay down my life. I will do more - I will filibuster. Back, you crackpots! Forward, America! Forward to the hallowed principles of our forefathers. Forward to the sweet tranquility of the status quo. Forward... to yesterday!
- Sharon McLonergan: [singing] When a rich man doesn't want to work/ He's a bon vivant/ Yes, he's a bon vivant. But when a poor man doesn't want to work / he's a loafer, he's a lounger he's a lazy good for nothing...
- Finian McLonergan: He's a jerk. When a rich man loses on a horse/ isn't he the sport /oh, isn't he the sport / but when a poor man loses on a horse / he's a gambler, he's a spender, he's a lowlife, he's a reason for divorce. When a rich man chases after dames, he's a man about town/ a man about town / but when a poor man chases after dames / he's a bounder, he's a rounder, he's a rotter, and a lotter dirty names.
- Henry: Susan wants to tell you something!
- Buzz Collins: Well, I'm listening!
- [Susan dances]
- Older Man: What's she saying?
- Henry: She says you've got to wait for Woody! He's bringing the money!
- Buzz Collins: I didn't hear her say anything!
- Woman: Naturally. She was born silent.
- Husband: One of the few women ever was.
- Henry: Sure, Mister! She don't do talk-talk, she does foot-talk!
- Buzz Collins: 'Foot-talk?' That's ridiculous! What's she saying now?
- Finian McLonergan: [singing] Green is the color of the shamrocks /and the grass on Blarney hill / Oh, the darlin' green of Ireland /and the good old dollar bill.
- [Sharon pulls Og out of a well]
- Sharon McLonergan: Well, this is a fine kettle of fish! And how do you explain these strange shenanigans?
- [Og hiccups]
- Sharon McLonergan: Well, if you won't speak, back into the well with you.
- Og: Oh, no!
- [jumps out]
- Sharon McLonergan: So, you've found your tongue. Why were you hiding in that well?
- Og: I wasn't hiding. Somebody had set me on fire and I had to put myself out.
- Sharon McLonergan: Who was it that put the torch to you.
- Og: It was a sunbeam.
- Sharon McLonergan: A sunbeam?
- Og: A sunbeam disguised as a fairy queen. But you can't fool me, I know a sunbeam when I see one.
- Sharon McLonergan: Father is a mineralogist from the old country. He can make gold sprout out of the ground.
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Gold? There's no gold in Ireland.
- Finian McLonergan: I meself discovered a vein our countrymen have been searching for ever since the reign of... Alfred the Thoughtless.
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Who?
- Finian McLonergan: You've never heard of Alfred the Thoughtless? He was King of Erin following his father, Thomas the Temporary, who in turn was the only son of the Virgin Queen, Serena the Spotless.
- Sharon McLonergan: Do you mean to say you're taking this land from these people merely because their skins are black?
- Henry: Don't let them chase us!
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Will you shut this kid up? He's making me look like a bully. All right, Sheriff, get them out of here.
- Sheriff: You heard the Senator, you folks better start packin' your things.
- Boy: Is Henry the wrong color?
- Sharon McLonergan: No, of course not. He's the right color.
- [she walks towards Senator Rawkins]
- Sharon McLonergan: But there's something wrong with the world! Oh, I wish...
- Finian McLonergan: Sharon. Sharon.
- Sharon McLonergan: There's something wrong with the world that you and your kind have made for people like Henry! I wish you could know what that world is like. I wish to God you were black!
- [wind, thunder]
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Well, I'm a son of a biscuit...
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: I can't show my face.
- Og: What's wrong with your face?
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Are you blind, boy? I'm black!
- Og: I think it's very becoming.
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: It is NOT! I'm a white man, dammit! A white man! At least I was, up until a couple of days ago.
- Og: Well, that's a coincidence! I was green a couple of weeks ago! Don't you find the occasional change of color interesting?
- Og: I'll have to alter your personality. Stand up please.
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Why don't you leave me alone?
- Og: Oh, this won't be a bit hard. All we have to do is broaden out that narro mind, reduce some of the bigotry, and your pomposity won't show through at all. Wait till everyone sees you in your new spring psyche. People will say you're in love. Now - 'Fiddle, foddle, foil and fiddle/ cure this fuddled individual / whirl, ye waters and unwind/ this tangled, medieval mind / breath of bee and bluebird's wing / make his scowling spirits sing / balm of briar, sandlewood / season him with brotherhood / magic vapors, make this person a better person / Not a worse 'un.' - He sleeps! The cure's beginning to work!
- Finian McLonergan: Have you forgotten my daughter, Sharon?
- Og: [with Susan in his arms] Of course not! She's the woman I love - present company excepted.
- Buzz Collins: [Howard rings the doorbell, opens the door, is tackled onto the ground by a bloodhound] Don't take that personal. He's trained to do that to anyone that ain't white.
- Sharon McLonergan: He's a schemer.
- Finian McLonergan: You're well rid of him.
- Sharon McLonergan: An impractical dreamer.
- Finian McLonergan: It's deplorable.
- Sharon McLonergan: Total no-good bounder.
- Finian McLonergan: Get the wretch out of your mind.
- Sharon McLonergan: He's just like you!
- Finian McLonergan: Aye, a darling of a man.
- Finian McLonergan: [singing] When all your neighbors, Are upper class, You won't know your Joneses, From your - Astors...
- Sharon McLonergan: Where are you going?
- Finian McLonergan: To find me a rainbow. Finian's Rainbow. It never fails to come up when a McLonergan is down.
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: You don't understand, boy. You're nothing when you're black! Nothing!
- Og: Nothing? Who says so?
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: The law says.
- Og: Well, it's a silly law. But is it a legal law?
- Senator Billboard Rawkins: Of course it's legal. I wrote it myself!
- Og: [singing] What if they're tall and tender? What if they're small and slender? Long as they've got that gender, I surrender, Always I can't refuse 'em, Always my feet pursues 'em, Long as they got a bosom, I woos 'em...
- Finian McLonergan: Goodbye, me darling. Goodbye, me friends. I'll see you all in Glocca Morra.
- Woody Mahoney: Sharon, where is Glocca Morra?
- Sharon McLonergan: Well, you see, it's always somewhere - over there.
- Woody Mahoney: What's going on?
- Finian McLonergan: The Senator tried to take our land away from us.
- Sharon McLonergan: Aye. And then I lost me temper with him, and I shouted at him and he turned black right in front of me eyes.
- Woody Mahoney: Don't worry about that. It happens every time that he meets somebody he disagrees with. He sees red, and then he turns purple with rage and then he yells himself black in the face.
- Sharon McLonergan: Do you feel a warmish, kind of glowish, peculiarish sensation?
- Og: No... it's a sort of quiverish, shiverish, flibberty-gibberish sensation!
- Sharon McLonergan: Does it make you feel hummingbirds in your heart?
- Og: Butterflies in my feet!
- Sharon McLonergan: Bees in your bonnet!
- Og: [dancing] Stars in my britches!
- Sharon McLonergan: It makes you want to dance!
- Og: [falls over] I hadn't noticed.
- [first lines]
- Finian McLonergan: Eureka! Sharon, come quickly.
- Sharon McLonergan: What is it now, Father?
- Finian McLonergan: We're here. It's journey's end. Our destination at last.
- Sharon McLonergan: Ever since I was two years you've been seeing leprechauns in the cabbage patch and rainbows over your whiskey jug! Now, what pixified fancy of yours has really brought us to America, huh?
- Finian McLonergan: It's the hill beyond yon hill.
- Sharon McLonergan: I've been hearing about the hill beyond yon hill ever since we left Ireland.
- Sharon McLonergan: I'd rather like to know the more complicated part of the legend.
- Woody Mahoney: It's only how to make yourself immune from the werewolves, that's it.
- Sharon McLonergan: Well, how would I be doing that?
- Woody Mahoney: Well, you have to stand very, very close to the nicest, handsomest fellow around.
- Sharon McLonergan: That must be you.
- Woody Mahoney: Must be. Then you make yourself comfortable on the grass. Now, you blink your eyes - twice and keep them closed. Now you say, "petrified parsley" over and over, real fast.
- Sharon McLonergan: Petrified parsley, petrified parsley, petrified parsley, petrified parsley, petrified parsley, petrified parsley...
- Woody Mahoney: Feel immune yet?
- Sharon McLonergan: No. Petrified parsley, petrified parsley, petrified parsley, petrified parsley.
- [Woody gives Sharon a long kiss]
- Sharon McLonergan: Oh, that's a lovely legend. Who made it up?
- Woody Mahoney: I did.
- Woody Mahoney: Now what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
- Sharon McLonergan: Oh, it's you Mr. Mahoney. I was - lookin' for me father.
- Woody Mahoney: Not too long a girl, if they find a young girl in the forest in the middle of the night, why they'd think that she's - a witch.
- Woody Mahoney: You are looking at the mentholated tobacco plant. Here, smell. Smell the mint-julep nicotine.
- Sharon McLonergan: Mmm. That's nice. Really smells lovely.
- Howard: It's a whole new form of tobacco life. It only has one drawback.
- Sharon McLonergan: What's that?
- Howard: Well, it doesn't burn.
- Sharon McLonergan: It doesn't burn?
- Woody Mahoney: It's worse than asbestos. It actually puts fires out. But, we're working on it!
- Sharon McLonergan: [singing] Stars in the night, Blazin' their light, Can't hold a candle, To your razzle-dazzle, You got me flyin' high and wide, On a magic carpet ride...
- Sharon McLonergan: [singing] Old devil moon, Deep in your eyes, Blinds me with - love
- Woody Mahoney: Yeah...
- Sharon McLonergan: Yeah...
- Woody Mahoney: Mmm Mmm..
- Sharon McLonergan: Mmm mmm mmm...
- Woody Mahoney: Mmm mmm mmm...