Stripes (1981)
Harold Ramis: Russell
Photos
Quotes
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Recruiter : Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.
John Winger : Convicted? No.
Russell Ziskey : Never convicted.
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Recruiter : Now, are either of you homosexuals?
John Winger : [John and Russell look at each other] You mean, like, flaming, or...
Recruiter : Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.
Russell Ziskey : No, we're not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*.
John Winger : Yeah, would they send us someplace special?
Recruiter : I guess that's "no" on both. Now if you could just give Uncle Sam your autograph...
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John Winger : C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into Wisconsin.
Russell Ziskey : Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it!
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Russell Ziskey : You could join a monastery.
John Winger : Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
Russell Ziskey : Never.
John Winger : So much for the monastery.
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Russell Ziskey : [trying to teach the platoon to march] C'mon, rhythm! Hut, 2, 3, 4. Black guys help the white guys...
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Russell Ziskey : John, do you think I'm officer material?
John Winger : God, I'm worried about you.
Russell Ziskey : Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.
John Winger : Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!
Russell Ziskey : We've got each other.
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Russell Ziskey : I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.
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[when Russell is teaching English class]
Russell Ziskey : Okay, I know you're anxious to jump right in and start speaking English, but there's a couple of things I need to know first, because I've never done this before. So, how many of you would say you speak English fairly well, but with some difficulties?
[pause]
Russell Ziskey : A little English?
[a man raises his hand]
Russell Ziskey : Yes? You speak some English?
Man learning English : Son of bitch. Shit.
Class : [in unison] Son of bitch. Shit.
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John Winger : Come on. Let's take the truck.
[John stares at Russell. Russell looks away from the manual to John, then up to the EM-50]
Russell Ziskey : Nooo.
John Winger : Oh yeah.
Russell Ziskey : Nooo.
John Winger : Oh-ho, yeah.
Russell Ziskey : No, no.
John Winger : Oh-oh...
Russell Ziskey : No.
John Winger : ...yeah, yeah...
Russell Ziskey : No.
John Winger : ...yeah, yeah...
Russell Ziskey : No.
John Winger : ...yeah, yeah.
Russell Ziskey : No, John. No.
John Winger : I'll drive.
Russell Ziskey : Okay.
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Russell Ziskey : [while Winger is doing push ups for the bet with Ziskey] I think you're ready for the Special Olympics...
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Stella Hansen : Okay, guys, you're home. Get out.
Russell Ziskey : You're not gonna report this or anything, are you?
Stella Hansen : I'm gonna treat it like a UFO sighting. I saw something, but I'm not quite sure what it was.
Russell Ziskey : Thank You.
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Russell Ziskey : [Russell has just accosted John, who is trying to sneak off the base in the middle of the night... Russell has John on the ground] Where do you think you're going? Are you going AWOL? Are you going AWOL?
John Winger : No, I'm deserting.
Russell Ziskey : You idiot! You desert now, it's a federal offense!
John Winger : I'll take my chances with the feds!
Russell Ziskey : You're not going anywhere!
[pulls him up and throws him up against a tank]
Russell Ziskey : You listen to me! You're gonna finish basic training! You're gonna keep your mouth shut, and you're gonna do everything he tells you! You know why?
John Winger : [innocently] Why?
Russell Ziskey : Because you talked me into this, you idiot! It was your idea!
John Winger : I didn't talk you into this. You NEEDED this.
Russell Ziskey : [drags John back to the ground] I'm gonna kill you, damn you! Where's the great pay? Where's the travel? Where's the Winnebago, Goddamnit!
[MPs Stella and Louise pull up in their jeep]
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Russell Ziskey : There are two things I promised myself I'd never do: Kill and die.
John Winger : What if the Russians were raping your sister?
Russell Ziskey : Come on, you know my sister. You practically raped her one night. The Russians would just have to buy her dinner.
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John Winger : I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.
Russell Ziskey : You still have your health.
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Russell Ziskey : [after Winger pulls a gun on border guards] Do the words "act of war" mean anything to you?
John Winger : I have... a plan.
Russell Ziskey : Great! Custer had a plan, too.
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Russell Ziskey : Find John, will ya. I'm gonna kill 'em.
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Russell Ziskey : [At the airport Russell is walking towards a limo with his arm around Louise upon returning home to the USA from Czechoslovakia] No questions please. We just want to go to our hotel room and have some really serious sex!
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John Winger : This doesn't look bad.
Russell Ziskey : What? The Army? You're kidding.
John Winger : No. I've always thought about joining the Army.
Russell Ziskey : Bull shit, you're not the type.
Russell Ziskey : What do you mean I'm not the type? I've seen the kind of guys that enlist in the Army. I saw them when I was working in unemployment. They're just like us, except they're not as - sophisticated.
Russell Ziskey : Yeah, they're not as old either.
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Russell Ziskey : [talking in his sleep] No. No, don't stop. Don't stop. I'll still respect you. I'll respect you even more. Just use more whipped cream!