- Arbie: Say, where did you get this gun?
- Mature Arbie: I've got a whole stash of them here. I keep them hidden here with the childrens' promotional items. I was going to be an alienated employee who kept to himself and then went on a murderous rampage this afternoon.
- Arbie: Carl Junior, it's me, Arbie. I know somewhere deep within the bowels of this creature you've become lives the soul of the beautiful racist, animal-fucking, inbred trailer-thrash I know and love.
- The General: Oh, it's just as my old grandpapa used to say: "Hey junior, get over here with them matches! This cross ain't gonna burn itself!"
- Chicken Zombie: I know it's fattening, but I love the skin!
- Arbie: No, it's not the bra, it's you ditching me for college... and the bra a little.
- Wendy: I'm not ditching you Arbie, and I think you should come with me, there's still time to apply!
- Arbie: Wendy, my mom's a retard and my dad's blind. I mean how am I supposed to take care of them if I'm off somewhere getting smart?
- General Lee Roy: And for the record, having a diaper fetish is a completely normal, healthy, and harmless bedroom activity.
- Arbie: You just won the contest.
- Chicken Denny: What contest?
- Arbie: The wet t-shirt contest, motherfucker!
- [opens fire]
- Denny: You know they always say you can tell the size of a cock by standing down from its beak all the way to its tailfeathers.
- Arbie: [after seeing his exact same tattoo on Old Arbie and ominous lightning goes off] That's strange. Nobody said anything about thunderstorms in windowless basements.
- [from trailer]
- Protestor: General, what are these tiny little bumps all over my chicken?
- The General: [thinking fast] Uh... those are our new... Flavor Pods!
- Carl Jr.: Would you look at the size of my woodpecker.
- [Directing everyone to look at his penis at the end of the mop handle that is shoved through his rectum]
- Chicken Zombie: [after squashing the head of a priest on the floor] Silly priest! Everyone knows there's no such thing as Jesus!