- Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
- Stanley Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.
- Roger the Alien: [after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
- Stanley Smith: Who?
- Roger the Alien: The black guys that did this.
- Stanley Smith: [to Francine] Sweetie, I made a mistake. Can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and just let it go?
- Stanley Smith: [as Stan is watching "Sesame Street"] Shoot him! Shoot him!
- Elmo: Big Bird, just share it with Cookie Monster.
- Stanley Smith: Don't trust him! He just pretends to eat cookies, but he never swallows anything.
- Francine Smith: I just can't believe Stan forgot our anniversary.
- Klaus: I would never forget our anniversary.
- Francine Smith: We have an anniversary?
- Klaus: October 25, the day you forgot to put on underpants. Let's celebrate early. Quick! Straddle mein bowl.
- Francine Smith: Good morning.
- Stanley Smith: Francine, your negligee is see-through. Unfortunately, you are not.
- Steve Smith: Jewel, I'd like you to meet my friends.
- Toshi Yoshida: Godzilla!
- [Steve's friends run away]
- Jewel: I had this boyfriend. He was in an avalanche. He survived three days on melted snow and his grandfather found him because he had a dream about the exact spot where he was trapped.
- Roger the Alien: Wow! You had a boyfriend?
- Francine Smith: Whoa, Roger. You know you can't leave the house.
- Roger the Alien: Everyone else gets to.
- Francine Smith: Well, everyone else isn't an alien, now are they?
- Roger the Alien: Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.
- Jewel: [to Roger] You can do whatever you want to me.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in that warehouse at the end of "Raiders"?
- Francine Smith: Hayley, do Mommy a favor and put on something less revealing.
- Hayley Smith: There is nothing inappropriate about this outfit.
- Francine Smith: Not if you're gonna spend the weekend tinkling on Bob Guccione.
- Hayley Smith: Oh, God, Mom. Were you ever cool?
- Francine Smith: Oh, yeah, Hayley? Well, I pity the fool who thinks I'm uncool. Get it? I was making a Dr. T reference.
- Jewel: Oh, Roger, stop it. I don't have a hard time looking at you.
- Roger the Alien: At me?
- Jewel: I can see past your hydrocephalic head and into your beautiful mind. You're like Russell Crowe and I'm Jennifer Connelly.
- Roger the Alien: Yeah. Yeah, you're Jennifer Connelly.
- Stanley Smith: Hayley, where's your mother?
- Hayley Smith: Last time I saw her, she was in the kitchen serving up body shots.
- Stanley Smith: What a hostess.
- Hayley Smith: [to Stan] What's the deal with the flower?
- Stanley Smith: On our wedding day, I placed this yellow flower in your mom's white bouquet. It symbolized her sunshine brightening my otherwise cloudy world.
- Hayley Smith: Dad, I've never seen this side of you. It's so sweet.
- Stanley Smith: Well, if you tell anybody, I'll kill you.
- [he and Hayley laugh]
- Stanley Smith: I'm serious. I will kill you. I will reach into your chest, pull out your beating heart and eat it, all of it, every last bit. Well, sweet dreams, angel.
- Roger the Alien: [to Jewel] l... It's not you. It's the timing, you know? I just got out of a bad relationship.
- Jewel: You're lying. I'm a loser.
- Roger the Alien: Don't be like that. You're not a loser. Think how pretty you make people look by contrast. That's a gift.
- Stanley Smith: [to Jeff] Let me get this straight. You ran away with my memory-erased mother to a pagan festival just to get my attention?
- Jeff Fischer: Did it work?
- Stanley Smith: Did it ever!