- Peter Griffin: What do you want me to do, whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, you know I never drink.
- Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?
- Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a woman.
- Peter Griffin: Sure you are. Now.
- Stewie Griffin: [Upon learning that Lois is the target of a hitman] Oh dear, there are so many people to thank! God, of course, and umm... who else? Oh, this is so unexpected.
- [Discreetly checks a list pulled from his pocket]
- Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, SATAN!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get that thing taken care of.
- Peter Griffin: That thing? Oh yeah, I had the doctor look at it.
- [Cut to Peter at the doctor's office]
- Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's not a growth, that's your penis.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, well what about the...?
- Dr. Hartman: Testicles.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, how can we afford this?
- Peter Griffin: Let's just say the car was a steal.
- Lois Griffin: Say that again.
- Peter Griffin: The car was a steal.
- Lois Griffin: This time without winking.
- Peter Griffin: The car was a steal. Wink.
- Peter's Car: Take left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you!
- Peter Griffin: Boy that's getting old.
- Peter Griffin: [is told he has to take Big Fat Paulie to the movies] Can it be any movie? Because if it's anything with Greg Kinnear, you can just whack me off right now.
- Big Fat Paulie: Tell me kid, what are you, like 27?
- Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I'm 13.
- Big Fat Paulie: Still a minor, huh? Hey son, how'd you like to be a coke mule?