- Dan Rowan: Is there any alcohol in cider?
- Barbara Feldon: Inside her what?
- Dick Martin: I'll drink to that!
- Judy Carne: I don't think we could get Mr. Nixon to stand still for a Sock it to me.
- Richard Nixon: Sock it to me?
- Barbara Feldon: [as Mrs. Freud] Take this sexy piece of paper. And when you do this...
- [tears the paper in half]
- Barbara Feldon: Now isn't that absolutely obscene?
- Goldie Hawn: I'm so glad the new TV season has started, It gives us all a chance to see next years reruns, early.
- Dan Rowan: Gladys, I'd like you to meet Mr. Hugh Hefner.
- Gladys Ormphby: Oh, Mr. Hefner, Harry says I look like something out of your Playboy centerfold.
- Mr. Hugh Hefner: Yes, eh, the staple.
- Gladys Ormphby: [audience laughs] Oh Hef, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
- Dick Martin: Jackson, Mississippi, a spokesman for the Mississippi teachers association, currently threatening a statewise teachers strike, said today and I quote: all of we teachers are not going back to the classroom until we get paid lots more better. End of quote.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor: This program reminds me of my first honeymoon: nobody knows what they are doing, but everybody laughs.
- Jo Anne: I'm all for school busing. I've learned so much more in a school bus than I'll ever learn in a school!
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Hey, are you doing anything right now?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Are you doing anything tonight?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Are you doing anything tomorrow night?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Well, I'll come back and see you sometime when you're not so busy.
- Chelsea Brown: There's a new Southern margarine called "Imperial Wizard", but you can only use it on white bread.