- Jo Anne Worley: You know, I hate to see this leap year come to an end. I've got five good leaps left!
- [laughs]
- Dick Martin: If you took all the kilts in the world and laid them end to end, you'd have a lot of naked Scotsmen.
- Gladys Ormphby: This year I resolve to stop chasing after every Tom, Dick and Harry, and zero in on Dick.
- Dan Rowan: Well Dick, that was Campaign '68.
- Dick Martin: Hey, we forgot Lester Maddox.
- Dan Rowan: Well, so did the rest of the country.
- Gladys Ormphby: Last night I went to a party where there were three men to every woman. The girl next to me had six.
- Dan Rowan: I'd like to wish a happy 1969 to our new President. To all of you who didn't vote for him, happy 1973.
- Announcer: When we last left Billy and Betty, there were tied to the guide rail of the giant humming bird. As we pick up our story, Captain Midnight, after successfully escaping from the cave of the man-eating beaver, softly utters these words:
- Dr. Frankenstein: Hey man, what are eating that beaver for?
- Igor: [hard to understand] 'Cause it's good for me.
- Dave Madden: Chelsea, did you know a single germ can infect 300 people?
- Chelsea Brown: Wow, imagine what a married germ could do.
- Henry Gibson: Solomon Grundy, by Henry Gibson. Solomon Grundy born on Monday; went to school Tuesday; grew a beard Wednesday; expelled on Thursday; protested on Friday; arrested on Saturday; drafted on Sunday; and this was the end of Solomon Grundy.
- Goldie Hawn: Oh, I heard those Everett Dirksen records. With a voice like that, he oughta go into politics.
- Kate Smith: Oh, boy, New Year's Eve in California is great! Back East, it's snowing so hard, you can't even see the smog!