- Judy Carne: Chels, I'm confused. What do you drink with soul food?
- Chelsea Brown: Oh, that's no problem. ehm, any good black wine will do.
- Dr. Billy Graham: I can think of no better time than after that last joke to remind all of you: The Bible says, "Thou shalt not steal".
- Dr. Billy Graham: This program reminds me of a modern day Noah's Ark: all the old jokes come on two by two.
- Gladys Ormphby: I was out with a fella last night and he talked me into getting into the backseat, but I wanted to stay up front with him.
- Judy Carne: One of the biggest problems on campus is the alleged racism in fraternities and sororities.
- Arte Johnson: I had a wonderful time last night. I went to see Candy. Tonight, I'm taking her to the movies.
- Dave Madden: Hey, Arte, what's black and white and red all over?
- Arte Johnson: Students For Democratic Action?
- Henry Gibson: The Underground, by Henry Gibson.
- [takes a small bow]
- Henry Gibson: If it were not for the underground, wouldn't we all cave in?
- Judy Carne: And now, for all of you who have been waiting for a Laugh-In News Extra, here's a Laugh-In News Extra you've all been waiting for.
- Pyotr Rosmenko: Wife swapping is, eh, not an original American idea. In old country, eh, my cousin swaps his wife for a tractor. Comes out about even. Wife ploughs better, but the tractor's much prettier.