- Pamela Rodgers: Mr. Benny, would you appear nude in a movie?
- Jack Benny: I wouldn't even appear nude in a bathtub.
- Jo Anne Worley: Engle...
- Pamela Rodgers: Bert...
- Judy Carne: Humper-...
- Goldie Hawn: Dinck!
- Engelbert Humperdinck: [cupping his hand around his ear] AM and FM.
- Announcer: That's the most beautiful thing I ever heard.
- Engelbert Humperdinck: All right, Goldie, how would you pronounce Englebert Humperdinck backwards?
- Goldie Hawn: It's already backwards!
- Jo Anne Worley: I have privacy. I rented an apartment with a private sauna. And it was lovely, until Private Sauna was sent overseas.
- Goldie Hawn: My boyfriend and I keep looking for a place to be alone, but everywhere we go, we're always together.
- Dan Rowan: Boy, did I ever get polluted last night!
- Dick Martin: You drinking?
- Dan Rowan: No, I went swimming in Lake Erie!
- Zsa Zsa Gabor: It's true, I've had five different husbands, but wouldn't it be idiotic to have five of the same husbands?