- Parson: Ever since my picture appeared in the church journal, my parishioners have referred to me as 'the prayboy of the month'.
- Announcer: Twiggy is secretly in beautiful downtown Burbank, and is hiding behind... Audrey Hepburn.
- Johnny Carson: Doing the Laugh-In show is my second favorite thing in the whole world. My first is having an unclean yak sit on my dinner.
- Dick Martin: You know what, Gina, if you'll accompany me to my apartment, I'll consider it quite an honor.
- Gina: Well, I'm very touched.
- Dick Martin: I'll consider that, too.
- Jack Benny: You know, I hear a lot about all this sex on television today, and it makes me very angry. I keep switching channels all night long, and can't seem to find it.
- Dan Rowan: Did you ever have to work real hard at anything?
- Dick Martin: Well, once it took two dinners and a bottle of wine.
- Teresa Graves: The way the post office handles parcels today is getting rougher and rougher. No matter how your packages start out, they end up... junk mail.
- Lily Tomlin: If Kaye Ballard married former astronaut Wally Schirra, divorced him, married his brother, she'd be
- [sings the melody of the song "Que Sera Sera"]
- Lily Tomlin: Kaye Schirra Schirra.
- Lily Tomlin: Our club tastefully agrees that 18-year-olds should be allowed to vote... just as soon as they become 21.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Miss Ormphby, do you believe in love at first sight?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in two hearts beating as one?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in... mouth-to-mouth resucitation?
- [He falls over]
- Arte Johnson: I just got a job putting body paint on chorus girls. Just fifty dollars a week, but that's all I could afford.
- Pamela Rodgers: When the personnel manager asked me if I was looking for work, I said, "Well, not necessarily, but I AM looking for a job."