- Teresa Graves: If President Nixon's War on Pollution is as effective as President Johnson's War on Poverty, before we know it, we're gonna have an awful lot of dirty, poor people.
- Big Al: I just gave Tiny Tim a nude statue with a clock in its stomach as a wedding present. The clock doesn't work, but Tiny'll never find out. He's too embarrassed to wind it.
- Dick Martin: Hey, listen, Cathy, uh... Why don't we go up to my place tonight? You know, I'm a marvelous cook.
- Cathy: Really? What's your specialty?
- Dick Martin: Breakfast.
- Lily Tomlin: I do believe in getting involved just so long as the involvement is a tasteful one. Why, I even have a "Fight Poverty" sticker on my Rolls-Royce.
- Johnny Brown: You ever heard of a sixty second romance?
- Teresa Graves: No.
- Johnny Brown: Got a minute?
- Dan Rowan: Oh, bookings are very heavy for the new nude movies. First the theater manager books the show, then the vice squad books the theater manager.
- Sister Teresa: Why Sister Goldie, you look absolutely thrilled.
- Sister Goldie: Oh, I am, Sister Teresa. I just took my vow of silence and I can't wait to tell everybody.
- Dick Martin: Detroit, Michigan. In a surprise statement, a representative of the automobile manufacturers said today: we have a plan to get rid of the smog in a year. The year will be: 1982.
- Jeremy Lloyd: You know, our morals really aren't so bad. Some girls on the first date, still won't kiss you good morning.
- Mr. Ormphby: I understand you want my daughters hand.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Well, I was hoping for a little better than that.
- Ernestine, the telephone operator: You are not dealing with just anyone's fool. I am a high-school graduate.
- Ernestine, the telephone operator: [talking to someone at Los Angeles City Hall while trying to get hold of Mayor Yorty] Tell me, is this Mr. Yorty on the lam or something?... Oh, he's, uh, a publicly elected official? Well, who elected him, Pan-Am?
- [laughs and snorts]
- Ernestine, the telephone operator: Hello? Hello? Hello?...
- Arte Johnson: The trouble with the younger generation is, too many of us don't belong to it anymore.
- Johnny Brown: The best way to stop that noise in your car is to let your wife drive it, you big dummy!
- The Parson: I know today's youth show little interest in the church, but at least that gives them something in common with their parents.
- Danny Kaye: I got my girlfriend a birthday present that will show her how much I love her; a cigarette lighter that doesn't work.