Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Kyle MacLachlan/Sinéad O'Connor (1990)

Kyle MacLachlan: Self - Host, Various, Agent Cooper

Quotes 

• Dale Cooper : Maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer, but... but we still haven't figured out who shot me.

  Leo Johnson : I did! Jeez, you saw me!

• Dieter : Before we begin, would you like to touch my monkey?

  Karl-Heinz Schelker : I would be honored.

  Dieter : Touch him! Love him! Liebe meine abschmeenkee.

• Dale Cooper : [talking into tape recorder]  Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Balsam shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I'll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I'm gonna get naked and slide around in them.

• Sheriff Truman : Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.

  Dale Cooper : Harry, I'm glad you're here. Tonight we're going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins - you know, the one with the eagle feather.

  Sheriff Truman : Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.

  Dale Cooper : Well, that's good news, Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won't be long now.

• Audience Member : Uh, yeah... this isn't so much a question about you, but I'm a big Twin Peaks fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?

  Kyle MacLachlan : Yeah, its... uh.. it's Shelly the waitress, and uh... they're going to reveal that in the last episode, so... Any, eh... any more questions, or...? Okay. Look, we've got a great show tonight. Sinead O'Conner is here.

• Audrey Horne : Agent Cooper.

  Dale Cooper : Audrey. Did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?

  Audrey Horne : I quit that job as soon as I found out that Leo did it.

  Leo Johnson : That's right. I'm the one.

  Dale Cooper : [walking over to Leo]  I'm talking to Audrey.

  Leo Johnson : I got pictures, see?

  [pulls his wallet out of his pocket] 

  Leo Johnson : Here's me, about to kill her. Here's me killing her. Here's me wrapping her in plastic.

• Dale Cooper : We still haven't heard from the Log Lady.

  Sheriff Truman : Cooper, you're not going to hear from the Log Lady.

  Dale Cooper : Why not?

  Sheriff Truman : Well, because there's only two women left on Saturday Night Live, and we've already used them both up.