- Dr. Perry Cox: You know, Newbie, it's so interesting -- I found I couldn't sleep last night, so, in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "Hump Day" and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies. But now, I'm thrilled to announce, your brother tops the list, which is...
- Dan: Hey, chief! Does this speech have an intermission? 'Cause I gotta go to the lobby and take a wizz.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Aaaactually, I'm not so keen on nicknames from guys that barely know me!
- Dan: [imitating Cox] Aaaaactually, why don't you tell me what you keen on?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [near tears] Oh, Dan, no.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I get it. Well, let's see how tough you are without your costume on. Go ahead and--and knock the folders out of my hand now!
- Janitor: [the Janitor does so] What costume?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You weren't wearing a gorilla suit before?
- Janitor: There's someone running around in a gorilla suit? What's he look like?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: A gorilla... .
- Janitor: No, it's not me.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well, then, why'd you knock the folder out of my hand?
- Janitor: Because you asked me to. Here you go.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [He puts his banana peel in J.D.'s breast pocket] I didn't ask you to do that!
- Janitor: Yeah... that comes free with the folder knock.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Hey, sport, how you doin'?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, sir.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: I don't have time to stand here and flirt, son. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dr. Kelso, I...
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr. Dorian, if I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you would be working with my nephew Francis so fast, it'd make your head spin!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sir, I don't follow.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: He cleans pools!... I forgot you didn't know that!
- Dan: So, while I'm here, we should play some Frisbee golf, we should... maybe give dad a call... . Dad. Oh, we should definitely make sure I sleep with that Elliot chick.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's a little weird for me 'cause... I don't know if you'd know this or not, but... we used to be intimate.
- Dan: Int--inimate? What'd you do, bathe her?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, once... but she was wearing a swimsuit.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I can't believe she called me "Sir."
- Dr. Christopher Turk: She called me "Mister."
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Maybe it's because you're bald.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm not bald -- I shave my head.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well, then, let it grow back.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Careful, honey!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: His name was... was... was... uh... .
- [struggles to figure out Carla's signal]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, we used to call him "Old Chicken Neck".
- Woman: This is the problem with doctors today -- they don't care!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: No, no! It's just that, uh, recently I've had a lot of patients, and so it--I've gotten--I've been really busy!
- Woman: Not too busy to come here in the middle of the day and stuff your face with free food!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [to Carla] Damn you, woman!
- Dan: Look, J.D., we're all proud you became a doctor, but just because I haven't achieved as much as you doesn't mean I don't like what I do.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dan, there's nothing wrong with being a bartender.
- Dan: I like living with Mom.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: She makes great eggs!
- Dan: All in all, I'm pretty damn happy! I'm happy... you know?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [voice over] And now for the apology.
- [J.D. hops off the rail and faces his brother]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [out loud] That's a load of crap.
- [Dan gives him a questioning look]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Look, I know you, okay. I know the reason you wanted to pretend you're a doctor yesterday is 'cause you hate working in that bar and you wanted to feel like somebody for once. Come on, man, you're not--you're not driving that car across the country for the $300 -- you're doing it 'cause you like the way you feel when you drive it. And the funny thing is, you could be that guy, but you're afraid that if--if you actually have to try at something you might fail, and that's just not a chance you're willing to take.
- Dan: [pause] What can I say? It's been a real pleasure seeing you.
- [Dan hops off the rail and heads for the car]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Isn't there... something you guys wanna talk about? You know, like cars or sports... or boobs?
- Dan: I'll talk about boobs. Remember Fred Kiefer's mom?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: She wore a tank-top to Fred's thirteenth birthday party... . She taught us how to bob for apples, and three guys passed out.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Okay, great story! Now how about something with a little more substance?
- Dan: Dude, remember the cans on Pat Clark's mom?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah! Those were awesome!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I suggest we do a fem-pop bypass.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Mr. Carney's a frail old man who'd... probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: All I'm saying is if we do surgery, we could improve his quality of life.
- Dr. Perry Cox: The guy's a thousand. What's he gonna, take a steamer over to Europe, open up a café, and finally meet that nine hundred-year-old girl of his dreams?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I made my recommendation.
- Dr. Perry Cox: You stood up for what you believe in, and I respect that.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Thank you.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Twenty bucks says you kill him.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You're on!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Finally, can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition associated with rhinophyma... Dr. Murphy?
- Doug: Uh, could it be... psoriasis?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant.
- [Doug reluctantly removes his rubber nose]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Now if any of you other would-be revelers get the urge to dress up on this, the mother of all non-holidays, please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple. We're professionals, dammit!
- [He gets in Doug's face]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You know... it's nothing personal, son... you just make me sick.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Let's go. Field trip.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I got things to do, you know.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Let me guess. You're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend, and we can just go nuts.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Did Carla put you up to this?
- Dr. Perry Cox: [dryly] No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around. Turn around.
- [Turk turns]
- Dr. Perry Cox: You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong and that the patient died. He's going to tell them what happened, and he's going to say he's sorry, and then he's going back to work. You think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves. That's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And sometimes because it's fun. But mostly, it's the getting by thing.