- The Janitor: I've predicted a couple of things over the years. The kitchen fire of '97. The kitchen fire of '98. The arson conviction of Luis the Fry Cook. And of course, the eventual termination of the hospital's "Convicts-to-Cooks" program.
- Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate again?
- J.D.: Immigrants, Mister Bursick. You hate all immigrants.
- Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate...
- J.D.: I don't have time, Mister Bursick. Guys, if I give you a patient I expect you to work your butt off for him. And P.S., Mr Jenkins is a Vietnam Vet, so let's take care of him like he took care of our nation. Get out of here! That's how you light a fire under their butt Perry, you let them go with some inspiration...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, to much talking, too much talking. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night?
- J.D.: Because she's my patient.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Interesting, since i admitted her.
- J.D.: And I treated her last night.
- Mr. Bursick: Dr Dorian, why do I hate all immigrants?
- J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr Bursick... stealing aaall of our jobs. Perry, we spend an equal lot of time of Mrs Wilk. Now seing that we're both attendings, why don't we let her decide who her doctor is?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Ooor we could skip the day trip to unessesary land and instead simply conceed that Mrs Wilk is my patient. And while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equal. We are UN-equals.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I'm gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse.
- Dr. Kelso: Blah, blah, blah, I'm not doing it.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: This picture is happening.
- The Janitor: No it's not.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh what do you know, mop-jock?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
- J.D.: What?
- Dr. Perry Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times, I would have made a necklace out of your teeth.
- J.D.: I find this highly unproffesional.
- [J.D. gives Dr Cox his stethoscope]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he too deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there.
- The Janitor: Imagine that: I've been working here for 14 years and I guess I don't rate as part of the family.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [surprised] Did you wanna be in the picture?
- The Janitor: No... it's just... who... it's I... I gotta go.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
- J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [on her not wanting to be in Sacred Hearts annual staff picture] Yeah, I don't photograph well. On my drivers' licence photo, I look like Gary Busey.
- Gary Busey: Huh, they say the same thing about me.
- [chuckles]
- J.D.: [about Mr. Jenkins] I know, he's homeless and smells like an obese man's twosie...
- Mr. Jenkins: Hey!
- J.D.: Sorry, thought you were napping.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohh, Roland's gonna be mad.
- J.D.: Oh well. He's 6, what's he gonna do? Kick my ass?
- [thinking]
- J.D.: Again?
- J.D.: This morning you told me you had a great life.
- Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it.
- J.D.: Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry.
- [to Cox]
- J.D.: Tell her it's a misunderstanding.
- Dr. Perry Cox: He's tried to kill before.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Frick, it's Mrs. Peele. One of us has to talk to her.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: All right, the first one who chugs their slushie is off the hook. Come on, here we go!
- [he takes a big sip of his slushie]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Owww! Brain Freeze!
- Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Mrs Peele. We really can not judge...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [screaming] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [embarrased, to Turk] Come on!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: It's so cold!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Peele, even though Dr Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry flavored bawl he's a fantastic surgeon.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [giving her the thumbs up, still in pain] Uh-huh.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: He didn't find anything and I am a great doctor...
- [Turk makes signs which tell that Elliot is not such a great doctor]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: - and I didn't either. Don't you think that, maybe, the pain could all be in his head?
- Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were watching TV and he was in too much pain to get up and use to bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [normal again] Maybe there was a really good game on television.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Probably not.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Where's the donut truck? I was paged there was a donut track out here!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I got paged there was a handbag sample sale!
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: Where's the booby-touching booth?
- J.D.: It's weird. It's like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving running, watching J.D] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!
- Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone... look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!
- [everybody runs away]
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [standing on the top of a ladder] Nobody move! Laverne, door!
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: [standing on the threshold of the hospital's entrance, holding a broom] Nobody's getting past here, baby!
- Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
- J.D.: [Voice over] Okay, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.
- [Out loud]
- J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya.
- Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house.
- J.D.: [Voice over] Oh my God, he's actually thinking about it. Change the subject back!
- [Out loud]
- J.D.: You're seventy-eight, sir.
- Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old?
- J.D.: Jambalaya.