- Dr. Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy and these are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you're don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
- Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me.
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: Jesus?
- Dr. Cox: That's him.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Keith... you better not tell her who did it.
- Keith: But Elliot scares me...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot is a blonde 108-pound ski pole form a cul de sac in Connecticut; I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fattier and angrier. Now... who are you really afraid of?
- Keith: The fatty...?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Be careful, Keith...
- Janitor: I guess I just never realized how you pick up just from working here. I heard someone yell 'Hold that woman's legs down!' and I instinctively knew what to do.
- Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox and JD examine a patient with locked-in syndrome, who communicates via computer] Go ahead and check Mr. McNair's blood pressure, please, Eva.
- Mr. McNair: I don't get it - Why does he call you a girl's name?
- J.D.: Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "JD, I care about you!" Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox...
- Mr. McNair: Oh my god! I get it now, Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol...
- J.D.: Now you're being a jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
- Dr. Cox: Newbie! I'm relatively certain that the computer is broken.
- J.D.: Oh, my bad.
- [the Janitor has lied about the time to Kelso, and thereby, Kelso went late to an appointment]
- Dr. Kelso: Thanks to your little telling-me-the-wrong-time-prank, I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage, which meant that instead of Pang-Wa, I had to settle for Ching-Dau.
- Janitor: So?
- Dr. Kelso: Ching-Dau is a *DUDE*!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Wow... aren't you the big bad ass attending?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the times he made me cry.
- Dr. Cox: [passing by, counting and moving his fingers] 27, counting this morning.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Mh... yeah. I'm PMSing and he made fun of my shoes.