Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter's Two Dads (2007)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Asian Kid, Irish Nun

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?

  Meg Griffin : That's not right.

  Peter Griffin : So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?

  Meg Griffin : You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!

  Lois Griffin : Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?

  Meg Griffin : I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!

  [leaves] 

  Peter Griffin : She's the jerk.

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe Grandpa's dead.

  Lois Griffin : Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.

  Brian Griffin : It is a tragedy.

  Lois Griffin : Excuse us.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, we'll be right back.

  [Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside] 

  Lois Griffin : We're all gonna miss him.

  Brian Griffin : Tragic.

• Meg Griffin : Mom, this party sucks! I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together. And he says he's got a big surprise for you.

  Peter Griffin : [entering in clown makeup]  Hey, kids, I'm Peepants, the inebriated hobo clown. I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can.

  Meg Griffin : [indignantly]  A clown? Dad, I'm 17!

  Peter Griffin : Meg, guess what Peepants got you for your birthday. A scarf.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want a scarf, dad.

  Peter Griffin : Well, then, how about... a dozen scarves?

  [humming circus music, he pulls tied scarves out of his mouth, then begins gagging and coughing] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those.

  Peter Griffin : [finishing and coughing up vomit]  Here you go, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want them!

  Peter Griffin : TAKE 'EM! Hey, are my longjohns tied to the end of those?

  Meg Griffin : No.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, god.

  [retching up his longjohns and holding his stomach in pain] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow! Ow! Ow!

• Lois Griffin : All right, come on in, everybody. Have a seat anywhere. Meg's gonna open her presents in a little bit. Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it.

  Francis Griffin : Here. Here's this for Megan.

  Lois Griffin : Oh. What is it?

  Francis Griffin : It's a cookie from lunch period at the home.

  Lois Griffin : Well, I'm sure she'll love this.

  Francis Griffin : I want to see her eat it!

• Peter Griffin : All right, this is gonna blow you aw...

  [falling down the stairs, he lands on top of Francis] 

  Chris Griffin : Grandpa!

  Meg Griffin : Oh, my god! Is he breathing?

  Lois Griffin : Somebody call an ambulance!

  Peter Griffin : Uh, Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

  [he turns around, revealing his unicycle wedged up his butt] 

• Stewie Griffin : This is mine, and this is mine, and that's mine, and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages."

  [opening the box and taking a card out] 

  Stewie Griffin : "Dare card: have her do a striptease and see how long it takes you to get a 'bonner'." What's a "bonner"?

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? You give that back to Mommy.

  Stewie Griffin : No! Go to hell!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. Now, give that back to Mommy!

  Stewie Griffin : Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can!

  [he takes off a pearl necklace and snaps it] 

  Lois Griffin : [spanking him]  That is enough!

  Stewie Griffin : [cowering]  You... you struck me!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, my god. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

  [he starts wailing] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.

  Stewie Griffin : [running out in fear]  No!

  [running to his room and locking the door] 

  Stewie Griffin : [cowering on the floor]  I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa ODed in my car.

• Stewie Griffin : Look! I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Stewie, you've really gotta stop... huh, looks like David Tua. You've really gotta stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, you know what'll ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch!

• Meg Griffin : Mom, can I just open my presents now?

  Lois Griffin : All right, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : Thank you.

  [hearing paper ripping] 

  Meg Griffin : What the...?

  Stewie Griffin : [opening her presents]  Well, let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?

  Cleveland Brown : You're welcome!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, what are you doing? You-You can't open Meg's gifts!

  Stewie Griffin : Hey! These are mine, you hear me? Mine!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, god, not the "mine" phase. Oh, I've been dreading this day.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.

• Lois Griffin : [after Stewie realizes he gets off on her punishing him]  Oh, hi, sweetie. You want some juice?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, that'll be lovely.

  [he deliberately knocks the glass off his high-chair] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Stewie!

  Stewie Griffin : [eagerly]  Yeah?

  Lois Griffin : Look at the mess you made.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I? Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it.

  [dropping his pants in anticipation of another spanking] 

  Stewie Griffin : Go!

  Lois Griffin : Well, I guess it's not that big a deal. Accidents happen.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril?

• Stewie Griffin : [after Lois spanks him for misbehaving]  It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself.

  [dissolve to his perception of the event, in which an exaggeratedly large Hulk-like Lois towers over him] 

  Stewie Griffin : Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes.

  [cowering as she growls in anger] 

  Stewie Griffin : [getting beaten up]  Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother! Sorry I misbehaved! It'll never happen again! I love you, mommy dearest!

  [back in reality] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, it was awful, Rupert. I felt terrified and brutalized and humiliated and... and... and *alive*! My god, I... I haven't felt that alive in years. Rupert, you know, I think perhaps I may be one of those people who... gets a jolly out of being hit.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Stewie, there you are. Mommy is so sorry she hit you. I promise I will never lay a hand on you again.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, let's not make any rash decisions. I mean, I did provoke you. Come on, Lois, hit me! Beat the crap out of me!

  [lying down and spreading his legs] 

  Stewie Griffin : Step on my cubes.