- Stan Smith: I can't believe starving to death is how I'm going out. I thought for sure I'd shoot myself in my study.
- Becky Arangino: Hi, I'm Becky, cruise activities director.
- Steve Smith: I'm Steve. I have five friends on MySpace and I'm waiting on approval from a sixth.
- Becky Arangino: You're cute.
- Steve Smith: Oh, in a harmless little brother kind of way, right?
- Becky Arangino: [laughs] No. In an I've taken a lot of boys' virginity kind of way.
- Roger: [to the song "Xanadu"] Xanadu/Can't cry on cue/Now I am here in Xanadu
- [to an older lady]
- Roger: Here you go, ma'am, I talked to the chef. There's no cream in the soup, just like you asked for.
- [back to the song]
- Roger: Xanadu... !
- Francine Smith: Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise ship? Oh, this has Goo written all over it!
- Stan Smith: Kids, you want to play "20 Questions" until we die? I'm thinking of a person.
- Steve Smith: Ronald Reagan?
- Stan Smith: Damn!
- Stan Smith: [Hayley changes her mind about eating Becky] Hayley!
- Hayley: This won't be a problem. I've eaten macrobiotic burritos, I can do this.
- Steve Smith: Dad, can we go to Graceland?
- Stan Smith: Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.
- Klaus: There's an old German saying: "don't blame the fish." There are other sayings, but they, um, mostly involve genocide.
- Stan Smith: I'm going to go check out the situation, and you guys can check out my ass as I walk away. I think you'll be pleased.
- Steve Smith: Becky, thanks for getting us this lifeboat. I mean, lifeboobs. Wait... no, no, I was right.
- Francine Smith: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
- Steve Smith: We could go skiing!
- Stan Smith: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
- Francine Smith: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
- Steve Smith: [pause] Did someone say skiing?