- Kermit the Frog: What? You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal!
- Fozzie Bear: But Kermit, what's more illegal: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?
- Kermit the Frog: Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie!
- Miss Piggy's Receptionist: She has an opening in early September.
- Walter: Early September? But that's in six months!
- Fozzie Bear: That's nothing. I once waited a whole year for September.
- Jack Black: I'm being held captive by these weirdos!
- Statler: Now you know how we've felt for the last forty years.
- Gary: You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try.
- Rowlf: How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.
- [cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets]
- Kermit the Frog: Rowlf?
- Rowlf: Huh?
- Kermit the Frog: You wanna get back together?
- Rowlf: Okay.
- [cut back to the car]
- Rowlf: Heh heh. Classic.
- Fozzie Bear: Wow, that was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.
- Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!
- Kermit the Frog: Children?
- Walter: No, the OTHER gift.
- Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?
- Walter: No, no, after that...
- Kermit the Frog: Laughter?
- Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!
- Veronica: I'm gonna shoot straight: you guys aren't famous anymore.
- Fozzie Bear: Yeesh. I wish she'd shot a little more curvy.
- Tex Richman: The show's over!
- Fozzie Bear: But we were so close!
- [bangs his head against the score board, which suddenly goes from reading, "$9,999,999" to "$99,999.99"]
- Fozzie Bear: Or... not. Eh, kinda makes me feel better, actually. We were nowhere close at all!
- Gary: It sounds like you guys aren't getting back together any time soon.
- Kermit the Frog: [sadly] No.
- Mary: This is going to be a *really* short movie.
- Miss Piggy: Kermit, we found a celebrity! Jack Black has graciously agreed to host the show for us.
- Kermit the Frog: That's great! Where is he?
- Miss Piggy: In the trunk.
- Jack Black: [Inside car trunk] Get me out of here!
- Kermit the Frog: Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says, I don't care if no one believes in us because... I believe. I believe in you. And you. And you. You know what's important isn't this building or name, it's each other. So I say fine, let's just start from the bottom and work our way back up to the top. Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held up high, as a family because that's what we are.
- [as Gary and Walter prepare to leave for Los Angeles]
- Walter: Maybe Kermit will be there!
- Gary: I wouldn't get your hopes up, buddy. The Muppets haven't put on a show together in years. I don't think they use the studios for anything but tours anymore.
- Walter: I think that's just an Internet rumor, like, "There's a country called Turkey!"
- Gary: Walter, how many times do we have to go through this? Turkey is a real place!
- Miss Poogy: Sorry, Miss Piggy. But you've been replaced... Permanently!
- Miss Piggy: Oh, yeah?
- Miss Poogy: Yeah!
- Miss Piggy: I don't think so... sister!
- Miss Poogy: Who are you calling 'sister', sister?
- Miss Piggy: Oh, look! An omelette station.
- Miss Poogy: Where?
- Miss Piggy: HIYA! There's only room for one Miss Piggy. And that's moi.
- Miss Poogy: Yeah? Well, you ain't seen the last of me. I'll be back.
- Miss Piggy: Yesh, yeah, ever heard of mouthwash?
- Jack Black: [after Rowlf, Sam, Link & Beaker remove towels from his head that is the size of a tennis ball] Wow, it was hot in there. What's going on? Why is my body so big? and what happened to my voice? It sound like a chipmunk! Wait a second, did you guys shrink my head?
- [Tex and Uncle Deadly are atop the Muppet Theater with a pair of boltcutters about to shut off the power]
- Tex Richman: To the end of the Muppets!
- [Uncle Deadly grabs the boltcutters to stop Tex]
- Tex Richman: Deadly! What are you doing?
- Uncle Deadly: Enough! Just because I have a terrifying name and an evil English accent, does not preclude the fact that, in my heart, I am a Muppet, not a Moopet! Looks like it's I who will have the last laugh!
- Tex Richman: What does that mean?
- Uncle Deadly: It's an idiom, you idiot, because you cannot laugh! Ha ha!
- [Tex falls off the roof and lands on the ground with a thud]
- Uncle Deadly: Oopsie.
- [he laughs]
- Tex Richman: Deadly.
- Uncle Deadly: Now *that's* a maniacal laugh for you!
- Fozzie Bear: I went to this bad sea food place the other day. Yeah, it was so bad, the catch of the day was salmon-ella!
- [No one laughs]
- Jack Black: [in pain] That joke is so 50 years old.
- [the audience laughs]
- Jack Black: [after punching Gary] That's my trigger word, too.
- Moderator: Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday.
- Jack Black: Tuesday's another one of my TRIGGER WORDS!
- [punches a classmate]
- Moderator: I DON'T THINK SO!
- [punches Jack Black]
- Moderator: Sorry.
- Sam Eagle: Hello.
- Rowlf: Hello.
- Link Hogthrob: Hello.
- Beaker: Mee-Meep.
- [sees an ax in his own hands, freaks out a bit while getting rid of it to grab a hairdryer]
- Beaker: Mee-Meep.
- Rowlf, Sam Eagle, Link Hogthrob, Beaker: Hello.
- Miss Piggy's Receptionist: Miss Piggy?
- Miss Piggy: [as she's eating a doughnut] What? Can't you see that I'm busy?
- TV Executive: No.
- TV Executive: No.
- TV Executive: Lo siento, pero no.
- Kermit the Frog: [excited] Oh, you hear that, guys?
- [the Muppets cheer]
- TV Executive: That means no.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh.
- Miss Poogy: Fozzie! What the heck are you doing, hibernating? Next show starts in thirty seconds. We hired you and we can fire you, so get your butt in here, now!
- Fozzie Bear: [to Kermit about them] They terrify me. Let's go.
- Mahna Mahna: [sings] Mahna Mahna
- Tex Richman: You're breaking the law! I own that name!
- Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo, do-do do do do do doo.
- Gonzo: [with a bowling ball] Hey guys, I think I finally worked out how to - Whoo-ha!
- [Gonzo throws the bowling ball and hits Tex Richman]
- Fozzie Bear: 'Oil' bet that hurt.
- [Tex Richman starts laughing]
- The Newsman: This just in: Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart, nothing to do with head injury.
- Tex Richman: [sings] Mahna Mahna
- Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo