- Avery Bullock: Our Alien Task Force clearly needs some rejiggering. Ray, you're no longer in charge.
- Ray: Of what?
- Avery Bullock: The Alien Task Force.
- Ray: What the hell's that?
- Avery Bullock: The task force you've been in charge of!
- Ray: Oh. How did I do?
- Avery Bullock: Dick, I believe you're up.
- Dick: I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.
- Avery Bullock: I'm giving you a zero for the day.
- Stan Smith: [after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?
- Roger: I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle?
- [begins tearing the nearly complete puzzle apart]
- Roger: I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!
- [Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]
- Roger: What's your name?
- Stan Smith: [through clenched teeth] Stan.
- Roger: Hmm, I already know a 'Stan'. I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.
- [Stan doesn't move]
- Roger: Today, Mortimer James!
- [turns to Bullock]
- Roger: I add his middle name when I'm disappointed in him.
- Avery Bullock: I need a new team leader.
- Jackson: Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...
- Stan Smith: [to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.
- Avery Bullock: What? Jackson, is this true?
- Jackson: ...Yes.
- Avery Bullock: Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?
- Stan Smith: You're okay, I guess.
- Avery Bullock: Good, then you're the man for this job.
- Stan Smith: I just feel so violated by the fact that that thing was inside of me. It would mean a lot to me if I could have the first cut.
- Avery Bullock: All yours, Smith.
- Roger: [screaming] No! Don't put that mask on me! I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!
- Stan Smith: I'm doing what has to be done.
- Roger: [screams as Stan turns on the gas and is knocked out] Huh. He reversed the gas. Son of a bitch Superman 2'ed me!