The Amazing Johnathan Live (2007 Video)

The Amazing Johnathan: Self

Quotes 

• The Amazing Johnathan : [Covers hand in cloth]  You like birds, ma'am?

  [pulls cloth off to reveal his middle finger stuck up] 

  The Amazing Johnathan : There you go!

• The Amazing Johnathan : We're going to start with a magic trick. You sir, sitting there. Do you have a handkerchief? Good, can you do this

  [wipes his nose] 

  The Amazing Johnathan : that thing was distracting me getting longer and longer.

• The Amazing Johnathan : Ok. So hold this paper up like this. And say "Wings" 5 times really fast.

  Audience member : Wings. Wings. Wings. Wings.

  The Amazing Johnathan : [Takes paper and puts it to ear]  Hewwo?... No, I'm just fucking with you. Let's do it again.

  Audience member : Wings. Wings. Wings.

  The Amazing Johnathan : Oh, look. They called back!

• The Amazing Johnathan : Ok, tell the audience what you see?

  Psychic Tanya : Ok, I see a 5 of shovels, and an ace of puppy paws.

  The Amazing Johnathan : Might those be the cards I just stapled over your eyes?

  Psychic Tanya : Oh, yeah.

• The Amazing Johnathan : This next girl I'm about to bring out was recently in a car accident. She swerved to avoid a pine tree is her excuse. Then she swerved to avoid another pine tree and another and another and so on. Turned out it was the air freshener swinging from her rear view mirror. You'll understand this this could happen once you meet her.

• The Amazing Johnathan : We're going to blindfold Psychic Tanya...

  Psychic Tanya : No, no. It's "Madam Isabella, queen of the night"

  The Amazing Johnathan : Oh, great. You fucking changed it again.

  Psychic Tanya : Yup. Ha ha ha grrrr. Madam Isabella

  The Amazing Johnathan : Yeah, we heard you the first time. Shut up. SHUT UP. Ok, so we're blindfolding Psycho Tanya...

• The Amazing Johnathan : You stay rigjt here. I dont need you wondering off and getting locked under the stairwell agaub.

  Psychic Tanya : Ha ha ha. That was so funny. Hahaha. It was like "Security Where's Tanya" I'm like "I'm Right here" ha ha ha

  The Amazing Johnathan : Yeah, cause we where looking so fucking hard for you.

• Psychic Tanya : [Off stage having been escorted off by Chris]  NO. Bad touch. BAD touch.

  The Amazing Johnathan : What Did she say? Yeah, Bullshit. If I hear her say "bad touch" around you again, you're going straight back to prison,Chris... . that's her brother.

  [Audience laughs] 

  The Amazing Johnathan : What that's funny to you that her brother touches her?...... .. my kinda people!

• The Amazing Johnathan : [Drinks Windex]  I had an uncontrollable desire to take all my clothes off and run around. This prevents me from streaking!

• The Amazing Johnathan : [Voice over]  Good evening. Welcome to an evening of comedy and magic from the strange and bizzare The Amazing Jonathan. Even tho the management is proud to bring you this show, we do feel it's fair to warn you that portions of this show mat contain violence. Nudity. Graphic masturbation sketches. Tap dancing crack babies. A testicle stretching contest and the needless humiliation of innocent midgets. Thank you.